I would like your help in "reframing" this open ended debate about sex, men and wants vs. needs.
I am going to start with what seems to be a paradox and will try to keep it concise.
I am going to pick two periods during my marriage. I will make each one year for ease of comparison:
1998: 8th year of our marriage
Frequency: 5 times a week on average
Quality of the physical act: 9.9
My emotional response to sex that year: conflicted, often resentful
My W, for reasons that (I understand now) I didnt understand back then, would consistently come to bed late. So I often had to choose between sex and a
full night sleep. She was typically 30 to 60 minutes late. I usually chose sex but we had a lot of conflict over this. Oddly enough she didn't use this: show up late, escalate conflict = get out of sex. She would apologize, defuse me enough for is to start and then it was so good that when it happened a night or two later I couldn't manage to say "nope not tonight".
But that isn't the point of the story. The main point is that by year end things were at best ok from where I sat.
2011: year 22 of marriage
Frequency: about twice a week
Physical quality: we can't really have intercourse die to her condition
My emotional reaction to sex. Is a ten. I know she loves me and wants to connect with me.
I would trade 2012 for 1998 without hesitation.
So from now on when someone,an or woman posts about a lack of sex, let's call it what it is: their partner isn't meeting their EMOTIONAL needs. And by repeatedly rejecting them without honest explanation, their partner is abusing them emotionally.
If when my W said "ILY", I just looked at her and said, "I don't feel like talking right now, and I did that day after day and when
Asked why said "everything is fine", that would also be emotionally abusive in the same way. Posted via Mobile Device
I dunno. We have always had a passionate relationship, but our emotional needs mesh nicely. If you have a husband who meets your emotional needs but does not want to have sex with you, you have a roommate.
You are willing to forego intercourse because you have a long-term relationship with your wife. Would you have felt the same way if this happened in the first few years of your marriage?
I understand your point about emotional needs being paramount, but most spouses want to express this sexually. Being intensely desired by your partner says you are special, you rock my world, I love everything about you.
When you have had a tough week and feel beaten up by the world, there is nothing like having a spouse who helps you feel like you are cherished enough to share their body with you.
and given your wifes medical issue, she is still willing to be intimate with you even when intercourse is of the table. she sounds like a wonderful wife.
i would feel the same way you do. i just want my wife to want me, other obstacles would not stop us from being happy
Good post and I am glad you figured out what is important to you. For me personally, the lack of sex was a physical issue but I don't think it ever felt like it had an impact on my emotional needs...but I guess maybe that is just me.. Posted via Mobile Device
This is how I see it.... our emotional connection is awesome and our sex life is amazingly awesome.... (due to the emotional connection, right?). I think, if for some reason one of us could not have intercourse for some reason.... I could live with that. We have had such a sexy, creative, AND loving sexlife so far that I think everything else is just gravy! The memories would be enough.
Loves,
If we weren't doing "anything" that would be a problem. But that isn't the case at all. We just can't have intercourse because it hurts her. If this had happened 10-15 years ago it would have been more difficult for me then.
Do you think your man would bail if you had chronic pain and couldn't have straight sex but you did "other stuff" with him regularly?
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesherman
I dunno. We have always had a passionate relationship, but our emotional needs mesh nicely. If you have a husband who meets your emotional needs but does not want to have sex with you, you have a roommate.
You are willing to forego intercourse because you have a long-term relationship with your wife. Would you have felt the same way if this happened in the first few years of your marriage?
I understand your point about emotional needs being paramount, but most spouses want to express this sexually. Being intensely desired by your partner says you are special, you rock my world, I love everything about you.
When you have had a tough week and feel beaten up by the world, there is nothing like having a spouse who helps you feel like you are cherished enough to share their body with you.
This is how I see it.... our emotional connection is awesome and our sex life is amazingly awesome.... (due to the emotional connection, right?). I think, if for some reason one of us could not have intercourse for some reason.... I could live with that. We have had such a sexy, creative, AND loving sexlife so far that I think everything else is just gravy! The memories would be enough.
Loves,
If we weren't doing "anything" that would be a problem. But that isn't the case at all. We just can't have intercourse because it hurts her. If this had happened 10-15 years ago it would have been more difficult for me then.
Do you think your man would bail if you had chronic pain and couldn't have straight sex but you did "other stuff" with him regularly?
No, I don't think my man would bail. It seems like the point of your thread is that meeting emotional needs should be enough, that people do not have physical needs as well. I don't feel that way.
The point of my thread - which I apparently did not succeed in making was this:
For a man, sex IS an emotional need. So all these threads where the man says: she won't have much/any sex with me and the response is "you must not be meeting her emotional needs". My point was:
- If you aren't haveing much/any sex with your man OR
- You make it clear you don't really WANT to be having sex with him when you do connect
Then:
You aren't meeting his emotional needs
And the general "theme" on many of these threads is very simple: Sex is a "want" not a need, so the man's "focus" is described as a "want" because hey - you can "live" without sex, but womens "focus" are described as "needs".
In short form:
Her emotional "needs" are compared to his sexual "wants".
This makes it seem as if the female focus "needs" is more valid/more important than the male focus "which gets described as wants".
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesherman
No, I don't think my man would bail. It seems like the point of your thread is that meeting emotional needs should be enough, that people do not have physical needs as well. I don't feel that way.
The point of my thread - which I apparently did not succeed in making was this:
...
This makes it seem as if the female focus "needs" is more valid/more important than the male focus "which gets described as wants".
I saw your point, but then again I'm a man. As far as I can tell, women are generally dubious of this fact. It's almost as if there's a desire not to empathize. Doesn't make sense to me, especially since women are more perceptive in general.
I saw your point, but then again I'm a man. As far as I can tell, women are generally dubious of this fact. It's almost as if there's a desire not to empathize. Doesn't make sense to me, especially since women are more perceptive in general.
I actually laughed out loud at the head-scratching responses. Rather ironic under the circumstances ... yet illustrates the core of the issue perfectly.
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An open request from one of the men 
