my world seems to always revolve around my man,, what is he thinking what is he doing how is he feeling, did i do something wrong, guilty conscience...i dont want to let him go,,, i have always had letting go issues, and control issues, and this time i cannot control the fact that he is angry with me, i cannot make him come home and stay...i hate the way i can be,, i focus intirely too much on him,,, and i do what ever he wants to make him happy,,, dont get me wrong he has done nice things too
the idea of tackling parenting alone frightens me,,, lying in my bed alone.,,i know im needy,,,always saying do u love me,, am i good enough, pretty enough,, and iin the past if the guy i was with didnt appear to show it enough i searched for someone else that did.,,,for the moment,,, i am very insecure,,, and it happened again, i started checking old emails,, getting the excitement of someone else still finding me attractive, even if i dont,,,i was caught,, he left tonight,, and besides the fact that all his stuff is here,, i dont think hes coming back,,, ya maybe for his things, but i have this crazy idea, hes up and left and going to move back to where he was living before,, in a totally other country...after all of this since hes been gone tonight and i dont know where he is my thoghts are also that he got drunk at a bar and went home with a woman to pay me back,,, im rambling, im tired, but cant sleep,,,
Don't jump to conclusions. He's just very hurt by your actions as most men would if they found out their wives were looking up old flames. He needs time to clear his head and you're going to have to be very remorseful for the pain you've inflicted.
You also need to get therapy as you're on very shaky ground. If you're the type of person that needs constant reassurance and ups and leaves their partner for that temporary high, you need to tell your husband what he's in for so you can both deal with it in a manner you feel appropriate.
Is this the first 'crisis'? Or do you have a history of blow ups and dramatic stuff happening in your marriage? You mentioned alcoholism. He may simply feel that this is all a bit overwhelming and beyond what he thinks he can handle right now. Whatever is 'compelling' you to engage in self-destructive behavior, you need to face it and get a handle on it. You've given us almost no information about your relationship with him aside from this particular event but in reality, you have a 10 month old daughter together, so it's highly unlikely that you'll never see him again.
However, it's very important that you don't build up this 'will he come home again?' thing in your mind into a major crux so that when he does come home, you assume that all is well and forgiven and go on as before. You may have a chance to fix the mess but only if you can deal with it conscientiously and without looking for a quick fix or a 'let's just put it behind us'.
When he comes back, the work begins... repair your relationship, repair yourself, especially whatever it is that is making you engage in self-destructive and family-destructive behavior. You're a mother and an adult for goodness sake. Get it together. And I say that with all the warmth and care in the world.
i did not cheat,, tho the email implied that we were in the plans to meet up and he was to also give me money,,,i have a past history of this sorda thing which i havent done in 9 months...and when i seen the email that this person wanted to see me,, i entertained the idea and said yes, but then i went to work and felt so guilty i was too delete the account when i got home, but he found it before me,,,so im sure he thinks im lying and that i would have seen it through...he just thinks im a bi""""" and a wh''''re
thats so true cause when he came home this morning i tried to be nice but he did not want to talk at all he was still very much livid,, i ended up getting angry and saying get over it,, i didnt do it,, i wasnt going to,, bla bla ..Also, you are right i am a mother and I HAVE to get it together for my child,, otherwise who else will,,, he is so angry right now hes willing to walk out on us both,, and make arrangements for her...but the fight is still fresh so only time will tell, but the bitter ickyness of waiting this pain out is killing me,,, im sure its killing him inside more,, hes a man,,, he doesnt want a wife that does degrading things for money,, especially when both parties are working,,, gosh as i type this all im thinking is WHAT WAS I THINKING
yes i need to be remorseful, i didnt do a very good job as i told him to "get over it" at one point,,,i know i do feel remorse,, i just hate feeling this way
Ok wait a minute--still confused. Yu wre going to meet up with another man to give you money??
Who is the other man? How do you know him? How long ago was the meet up supposed to happen? What was the money for?
You are being vague so it's hard to give advice.
Your husband no doubt, is suffering a loss of trust in you. A breach of trust is major.
Have you ever considered that you are so insecure and alwaysasking him if he loves you because in fact, you wre the one being shady?
You said this has happened before--expand.
The more info you give, the better we can advise you.
Ok wait a minute--still confused. Yu wre going to meet up with another man to give you money??
Who is the other man? How do you know him? How long ago was the meet up supposed to happen? What was the money for?
She was going to do "degrading things for money".
To the OP you need help professional help. Problems like this don't just go away because you will them to. You need to get to the bottom of what drives you to behave like this.
If I met another man who was going to "give me money", I would find divorce papers on the dining room table.
Mavash, I really hope for the OP's sake that you are wrong about the prostitution. I have an inkling that you are correct, but I so want to believe that the OP would not do something so vile.
You really need to get into counceling. Looking for attention from other men to make you feel validated is all sorts of wrong. How can you expect your marriage to survive if you go looking to meet up with other men? Would you put up with that kind of behavior from your husband?
You need counceling for your own sake. Good luck to you.
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dependant on a man,, 
