My ears are totally open, I'm just so lost and tired of this merry--go-round we seem to be on. This is long, I'm trying to hash this out in my head too.
Sunday is my husband's traditional cheat day foodwise. Today, we decided that slow cooked spaghetti and meatballs sounded really good for dinner and we headed to the store to get a few missing ingredients.
We get everything we need, he gets a couple boxes of his protein bars, I get a box of Cadbury ice cream bars. (it's Easter after all ) While looking at the choices for Cadbury bars, I was torn between almond crunch and caramel. He says to me "I'm more of a crunch guy, but these are your bars, get what you'd like." I chose caramel instead.
We head to the checkout line, while in line he grabs a nut roll, I see Lindor chocolate bars on sale, I grab one of those. He gives me a look, I pointed at the nut roll and said "nut roll."
We get out to the car, he says "I don't want to fight with you, but I got the nut roll for dessert, and it seems like everytime I get something, you want to get something else as well. How old are you that you have to do this?"
We talked back and forth, he was also upset that I got the caramel bars instead of the crunch bars, and this made him feel that I don't give a crap what he wants.
We get home, I get dinner started and put the baby down for a nap so we could talk. I told him I'm sorry for making him feel unappreciated, I didn't realize you also wanted some of the bars, I got them for me. I pointed out (mistakenly?) that we always eat different things, that I never touch his ice cream, I never touch his fudgesicles, when we share ice cream, if I'm lucky, I get 1/4 of the container. I also never eat his protein bars etc. I am always in a fight for food in my house.
I feel like I fight to get my share of treats almost every single time, so for this reason I don't see the big deal that I got two things for me. I stopped talking, and he explained he got the nut roll for his dessert, and didn't get anything sweet to eat. I (stupidly) pointed out the protein bars,whic he does frequently eat for dessert with his ice cream, and he patronizingly said "well, instead of Cadbury bars, get Nutrigrain bars. Don't tell me what is for dessert." I apologized for interrupting him, and asked him to continue talking. He said "we're done," and turned back to the tv.
Here is how I'm feeling. I'm sad because I apologized sincerely and was blown off. I'm sad because every single time I get something that he doesn't like quite as much as I do, he gets pissed off about it. I'm pissed off because I've told him numerous times how much I feel like I fight for food, that it is a big deal to me and he doesn't seem to care at all or even think about it. I'm pissed because he tells me I'm uncommunicative, and when I sit down to talk, he won't talk or he will patronize the **** out of me. I'm frustrated because once again I'm left feeling shut out, unheard and blown off with no legitimate resolution, and I'm ANGRY that once again, I'm probably going to have to stuff all of this down within myself and move on.
he seems a bit childish really.
if the ice cream bars was such a big deal to him, he WAS at the store with you, could have got his own.
does he act this way about other stuff too?
does he seem to like confrontation in general?
he seems a bit childish really.
if the ice cream bars was such a big deal to him, he WAS at the store with you, could have got his own.
does he act this way about other stuff too?
does he seem to like confrontation in general?
Absolutley he acts this way about other stuff. Our biggest one is cleaning. He's a bit of a neat freak, I'm pretty good at cleaning but organization and my kid are both pitfalls. He likes to get upset over minor household things I didn't do versus looking at the whole rest of the clean house.
Confrontation...I don't think he likes it. He used to do MMA so he's used to fighting, but he doesn't like it when our views differ and I'm not willing to immediately bend to his.
So, my husband and son are gone now, he told me he wanted to enjoy the holiday with the kidlet, I told him nicely I'll meet him at the park and that what had happened is dust off my back. He got upset because I wasn't upset. I'm not though, I can't be upset that he refuses to talk to me when it's a beautiful day outside and this is just another day in our communication issues.
sounds like he just wants his way and if he doesnt get it then he resorts to confrontation. the ways of a child.
maybe he got banged one too many times in the head during his mma days?
sounds like he just wants his way and if he doesnt get it then he resorts to confrontation. the ways of a child.
maybe he got banged one too many times in the head during his mma days?
LOL. I think sometimes he honestly forgets that we are two different people with different perspectives and gets angry when he's reminded of that fact!
He sounds passive aggressive. If he wanted a certain kind of food he should have got it. This is crazy making behavior where he's setting you up
to fail. He specifically said that they were yours but then got mad because you didn't get what he wanted? That's him trying to create drama and fights. He is purposely being conflicted and it's emotionally abusive.
I'm sorry but this seems to be about his issues, not you. Is there a big issue he's angry about that he is trying to express little by little? Posted via Mobile Device
I've asked him over and over and over if there is something that he isn't telling me, if there is something I am doing so wrong, what the issue is. Either he doesn't really know or he isn't willing to tell me.
FF,
I hate to make this sound simple... but try looking at it very simply.
He said he liked the crunch bars better. And he wanted you to get the crunch bars.. just as a stupid symbolic way of saying he is important to you. He wants his ego stroked, he wants to know he is numero uno in your life. He might even think you are selfish. (maybe he is a bit selfish himself).
It's a silly game.... one doesn't want to say outright what they want.. they will hint and see if you care enough to put them first.
"If you really loved me, you would fold the sheets the way I like"
I think men call it fitness testing.
My gf's and I used to call it "looking for their balls".
FF,
I hate to make this sound simple... but try looking at it very simply.
He said he liked the crunch bars better. And he wanted you to get the crunch bars.. just as a stupid symbolic way of saying he is important to you. He wants his ego stroked, he wants to know he is numero uno in your life. He might even think you are selfish. (maybe he is a bit selfish himself).
It's a silly game.... one doesn't want to say outright what they want.. they will hint and see if you care enough to put them first.
"If you really loved me, you would fold the sheets the way I like"
I think men call it fitness testing.
My gf's and I used to call it "looking for their balls".
Oh man, my first reaction to this is straight up "ugh."
I show my husband he is number 1 in my life in so many ways, all day every single day. This isn't hard for me to do, because I love him so much and actually rather enjoy figuring out all the ways to make him feel loved.
Ugh because I do this for him AND my son so much that it almost always takes an intervention from my friends to go and do something for myself. Food is a really simple way for me to be "selfish" without ever being selfish because I always end up giving away most of my entree/dessert/whatever. I just sometimes really want exactly what I want, but every single time I end up doing just that, I get **** on for it.
I've read the general fitness test advice is to let it go with a joke, but how do I joke when the deed is done and the fitness testing is out of nowhere?
***
So, this is how this episode ended.
My husband left with my son, and called me from his car five minutes later. As he was leaving, I said, again very nicely, "I'll meet you at the park!" He stormed out "No, you ****ing won't." and left. Five minutes after he left, he calls me and says "Hey." I said. "Hey, do you want me to meet you at the park or not?" He launched into "No, I want to talk. I want to know what the deal is with you, you were smirking and just-" So, I honestly told him, I already apologized for making you feel unacknowledged, and I apologized when I interrupted you and opened my ears fully to what you had to say, and you shut down. I'm done being upset and I'm going to be in a good mood, and I'm ready to listen but the burden of anger isn't on me anymore.
He said "Ok." and hung up. I watched Battlestar Galactica, he came home with my son to change his shorts after messy yogurt and was upbeat and positive and was for the rest of the day.
I then had angry sex for the first time in my life and it was really empowering. lol.
okay, firstly high five for watching Battlestar Galactica. Good choice.
And as already suggested to you, you're probably realizing it's not about the nut bar or ice-cream or whatever. Scratch beneath the surface. I might be completely mistaken in saying this, but I wonder if you do what you feel that he does? You're frustrated with him, he felt you were smirking at him...the communication between you is flawed from both sides. I wonder why you felt the need to say "nut bar" as you picked up the chocolate? Why justify your action, to the look you perceived from him, by turning it back on him and pointing out what he had? I'm not meaning to pick on you, I promise, just wondering how things might look from his perspective as food for thought.
With my H, I didn't even realize that over the years, while I felt I was more laid-back about certain things, it was actually that I had become apathetic. I hadn't always been that way. Somewhere along the line, I couldn't be bothered stating my case unless I deemed it important enough. Guess what? Little did I realize, he was interpreting this as me not being engaged/caring. I'd even tell him in certain moments that I didn't think it was worth debating, that I really didn't mind what the outcome was. I was never a yes-man, but I'd just pick my battles. Of course, things don't have to be a battle though, do they? I was an idiot to not recognize that these things weren't just about whether we got a brown or cream sofa for our home. I'm easy, it's just a sofa. To him? It represented my commitment and desire to have a home with him. So you see, it's likely not about the ice-cream at all. Just as, it wasn't ever really about whether we got the brown or cream sofa either.
Hubs' motto is now "Better out than in." We had a disagreement yesterday, during which he told me "I feel like you're backing me into a corner and I want to shut down and have done with it." I told him this wasn't my intention. He accepted this and we kept talking...until I felt myself slipping into old laid-back mentality. I then told him that I felt he was pushing me into a corner too and I was probably feeling similarly to how he was before. He got that and we encouraged each other to keep talking. We got to a good mutual place and then decided to have some space. When we came back together an hour later, we were on the same page. I'd come around to his thinking and we agreed. (Actually, he'd changed his stance to my thoughts too. This happens a lot with us when we part to think it over lol.) But how does this relate to you? ....maybe it doesn't but I just wonder if there's room to consider that perhaps you're both doing to one another what you're both actually seeing in one another? And in those moments of 'shutting down' I wonder if "it's better out than in" could gently encourage that communication to remain open?
Hearts, you are hitting some great notes for me. We are totally doing to one another what the other thinks the other is doing...convoluted but absolutely yes.
I really appreciate the suggestion of "it's better out than in." I couldn't find a gentle way to articulate that exact feeling, and that is just wonderful.
Really, after a goods night sleep and reading your post, I kinda think I have a better idea on why our conflicts often play out the exact same way and I have a much better idea on how to gain better resolution. Thank you!
Hearts, you are hitting some great notes for me. We are totally doing to one another what the other thinks the other is doing...convoluted but absolutely yes.
I really appreciate the suggestion of "it's better out than in." I couldn't find a gentle way to articulate that exact feeling, and that is just wonderful.
Really, after a goods night sleep and reading your post, I kinda think I have a better idea on why our conflicts often play out the exact same way and I have a much better idea on how to gain better resolution. Thank you!
Thanks for writing this. I'm glad you're feeling somewhat clearer as a result.
When my H first said to me "It's better out than in.." it was a surprise to me because I'd felt I expressed when needed, but obviously I was detaching at times, in my own way. When he said this, I found myself pausing, considered what I was really thinking and told him I didn't think he'd like what I thought and that he'd already made up his mind anyway, so was it worth it? He persisted, "Let me hear it, it's better out than in." So we continued. With any kind of dynamic/pattern that develops between you over the years, that you're both trying to change (note the word both), there's always going to be that moment where you're aware of feeling the ease of the old way simultaneously to feeling the possibility of what's needed with the new way. Staying comfortable in an old mind-set, even if one knows it's not helping, can be (albeit deceivingly) easier to stick with for many people. I think it takes time, persistence, awareness, and trial and error. All worthwhile though.
Oh my. I don't mean to sound ugly but this is such a trivial thing to argue about. If it is because of a diet issue, he should worry about him and you worry about you. You are both adults. It is never ever a good thing to play tit for tat if that is the correct term. Don't EVER keep score. Life has some many hurdles to cross and this is a very minor thing.
But how to get over it is the issue. I suggest that when you are not angry, have a non confrontation conversation and ask him why he got so upset. Ask him if it is worth a day that is ruined that could be spend just being together. In the scheme of things, did anyone get hurt? Will it matter in a day or two from now?
Tell him that your actions were not meant to offend him and you are not sure why they did. Life is way to short. Love to the fullest.
(married almost 35 yrs, been there done that and have some scars.
5Likes 
How do we get past this? 
) While looking at the choices for Cadbury bars, I was torn between almond crunch and caramel. He says to me "I'm more of a crunch guy, but these are your bars, get what you'd like." I chose caramel instead.
I don't mean to sound ugly but this is such a trivial thing to argue about. If it is because of a diet issue, he should worry about him and you worry about you. You are both adults. It is never ever a good thing to play tit for tat if that is the correct term. Don't EVER keep score. Life has some many hurdles to cross and this is a very minor thing. 
