SepticChange

I've been married since July but hubby and I have been long distance since November due to me training and whatnot....but I have a tendency to hold grudges and I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest...things that he's said or done to me in the past that has hurt me. I will see him again in a month or two and when we meet again I want to tell him about it.

Thing is, I don't know how. I don't want to unload all these problems and overwhelm him with it because it'll just make him feel attacked and will get defensive. He's accused me of being sensitive in the past which has made me stay quiet about a lot of things but I don't want to do that anymore and want to work on being more vocal about my feelings. I just hope it doesn't turn him away.

Anyway, when we do get back together for good, how do I go about telling him about my bottled up feelings? Little by little or what? He doesn't handle criticism very well and may get defensive which is partly why I've never said anything because I figured it's not worth the arguments and that time would heal everything. Not. I've just been going crazy for a few months. I'm tired of it. Any advice?

deejov

It depends on what you are holding a grudge against?

There are some books you could read before he comes back. And some you could read together.

His Needs Her Needs
The Five Love Languages
These might help you to see each other in a different way.. to avoid doing things to each other that are hurtful. Not understanding each other's needs and love languages can result in someone feeling hurt.


From the marriagebuilders website:
Read the Annoying Habits articles together
Do the Emotional Needs Quiz together

All of these together may help you both to realise that the goal of a marriage is to make your partner happy.


If he is saying things that make you feel hurt... you can try reading some articles on the Dr Phil website (dont' laugh).
If he feels you are too sensitive, you can try to speak your mind in another way, and you can also try to read about not taking that personally. By that I mean you can learn that it is his opinion.. not a fact. And learn to tell the difference. It takes finding your centre of self esteem and not allowing rude comments to get to it.

Journalling is another good way to let it all out. Write it down. Then under each memory that you have.... think about whether it is a deal breaker, said out of nonsense, has repeated itself over and over, and does it truly reflect his ACTIONS?

He may have said something that wasn't so nice.. but did his actions back it up? In other words, can you prove he really meant it, or was his ego running his mouth?

Then try writing out that you forgive him for it.

Browncoat

I'd recommend writing him an email/letter with what you need to get off your chest. You can also talk some of it out over the phone after he's had a chance to digest what you wrote.

The advantage is that if you can deal with those things while he's away, then when you are back together you can spend that precious time doing things you both love rather than arguing.

SepticChange

I'm not sure I forgive though. But whether I do or not my main issue is letting him know how I feel. He thinks it's all ok and it's not. Journaling never seemed to work for me as I don't like writing about my feelings. I have tried to reason with myself to not let things get to me but I realized that even the things I let go, I'm mad at myself for taking it in silence and not telling him when it hurt me and I want him to know that too even though I no longer feel it. I don't know why I'm such a chicken.

He's not open to reading books or seeking such marital help so I will have to do that on my own and maybe adjust a little bit. Thanks.

SepticChange

I'd rather do it face to face. We don't communicate all that well and it's even worse over the phone. We've been in two fights in the last several weeks that I feel would have gone a lot better if he was right in front of me. In fact, it wouldn't have even happened if he was right in front of me but anyway...

He wouldn't take me seriously if I wrote it out in a letter and and would call me yelling about why I held it in or why I didn't have the nerve to say it over the phone, etc....I'm gonna choose to wait till we live together again.

Hopefull363

When you talk to him don't accuse. Tell him your feelings. Start the conversation with a I feel like this when you do that. Give him a chance to let you know what is bothering him as well.

Browncoat

So getting back to the original question, I'd dole them out little by little. Perhaps start talking when on a walk, I know for me I find it helps keep my emotions in check. Last thing your H needs is for you to verbally spew everything stewing in your heart within the first few hours he gets in the door.

I'd also start with the smaller/easier to handle stuff first so that you two can start working through things on hopefully a positive note.

Chelle D

You don't like journaling so, you probably wont' like my suggestion:

Write him a letter.
Tell him how you want to get certain issues off your chest before you meet up again... that you want him to be aware that they are things that hurt your feelings.


Re-write it many times before you send it. Don't read the other first... Just rewrite from scratch.. Then compare the different letters... If you honestly rewrote from scratch each time... there would be slight differences on which are the important issues to address..

Then I would write a final copy... really explaining the most important items that need addressed & talked about as a couple.. so that you can both move comfortably ahead in the relationship.

heartsbeating

I thought similarly about writing...but make it just for yourself, then get rid of it. Burn it, tear it up. It's just a way to release it all for your benefit.

The point is to get all your emotion out. Once you have done that, maybe you could think about what you want from him. What do you want to achieve by telling him what's on your mind?

I'm a big fan of dealing with things in the moment. If things haven't been mentioned and then seemingly come out of nowhere and from the past, how would that be for the recipient? I wonder if you have at least dealt with some of that resentment yourself first, then perhaps your emotion may have calmed so you have a chance at peering into what's really going on and talk to him calmly and openly? And be prepared to potentially hear things from his side that may come back at you that you might not expect either.

With resentment, you might even find that it continues to fester even after the fact. So at some point, you will see it as your responsibility to deal with it. Keep this in mind. If things need to be worked on between you, do that. But be aware, he can't remove your resentment. This will be up to you to work on. I'd start on releasing it to yourself first.

__________________
"Victims; aren't we all" - The Crow

SepticChange

That's a good idea. I'm kinda worried that he'll think I deceived him by suggesting we go on a walk and I tell him this but it's best that we start out calm and everything. And exactly, I don't want to unload all my issues as soon as he arrives. Now I just gotta come up with an opening sentence!

SepticChange

You're right. I should let him know that if he has anything to talk about then I'm all ears so he knows I'm not there to accuse him but just to talk.

SepticChange

Wouldn't me sending him a letter saying I have to talk to him have him racking his brain in anticipation wondering what I have to say though? I know he wouldn't appreciate that because while I was in basic he sent me a similar letter saying he needed to talk to me the next time I saw him and for the next 2 weeks I was crazy trying to figure out what it could possibly be. I don't want to do that to him and already put negative ideas in his head. I wouldn't mind writing a letter actually but it doesn't seem that easy for some reason.

SepticChange

I'm going to try writing it out to get my emotion out. That's a good idea. I have dealt with the resentment myself. Part of the reason why I waited so long is so that I would hope to just get over it. At times I think about what he's said/done and just shrug it off saying that it's in the past. But other times those old feelings will sneak up on me and I just don't feel any closure. I want him to know what he did/said wasn't ok and to be more careful about such sensitive topics in the future. I'm very afraid of his reaction. I'm afraid he'll make fun of me or even worse, blow it off saying I'm complaining or being sensitive for no reason. It would just tear me up and make me feel worse if I get those. I'd rather he say nothing at all and just listen.

But I won't know unless I try.

Chelle D

I'm sorry. I guess I wasn't clear. I meant to WRITE down all that you have to talk to him about. That way, he can digest it and when you get together, you can discuss the points one by one.

SepticChange

Oh ok I see. I could probably do that. Only hope he doesn't think about it too much and throws the resentment right back at me. Thanks.