I feel like my husband uses me!
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Old 03-03-2009, 12:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I feel like my husband uses me!

I'm at a total loss of what to do and would really like some suggestions. Here's my situation - my husband and I got married in November. When we got married he was working full time. Coincidentally, the first week he moved in with me and we got married, he ran out of work. I work full time and I have two kids from a previous relationship. Anyway, when we got married I lost help for my day care because it was for single women so I now have to pay 5 times as much for a babysitter than before I was married. So here's my husband at home, sleeping till 1 or 2 in the middle of the day, then getting up and playing football on Playstation while I'm paying someone to watch my 4 year old daughter cause he refuses to get up early. Then I get home from work, do all the laundry, all the cleaning, alll the cooking, bath kids, etc,. while he's still playing football. Then he takes my car (he doesn't have one) to run around all evening to visit friends and family running all the gas out of my car. Not only that, he smokes two packs of cigs a day that I have to buy! Then I let him use my ATM card for some money and he took out double what I told him he could and overdrew my account. I started getting really aggravated with him so he went back to working 2-3 days a week for about 5-6 hours a day. Just enough to give HIM a few dollars for cigs, and his damn pills he's addicted to. If he's going to the store in my car and I ask him to pick me up something he makes me give him the money for it first even though I have totally supported him all this time. Now he wants me to pay $200 and half of the expenses so he can go to a NASCAR race with his friends. Not once has he gave me a penny for bills, food, etc., or volunteered to help me with babysitting. To top it all off - I'm 4 months pregnant and I'm worried to death about how I can afford to be off work for 6 weeks and pay for an additional babysitter so I can go back to work. I try to talk to him but he acts like he doesn't even hear me and just walks away or never wants to talk about it. He never shows me any appreciation for what I do, never a thank you or a hug or anything. I'm lonely and miserable and only been married for a little over 3 1/2 months. And people, I am not one of those girls that makes a lot of money. I am supporting 4 people on less than $10 an hour. So any suggestions?
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Old 03-03-2009, 03:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like my husband uses me!

get rid of him and go back to being single. the state will at least help you out. he doesnt seem to want to.
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Old 03-03-2009, 03:32 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like my husband uses me!

I don't usually just say leave, but mrsvain is right... this guy is not married to you, from the sounds of it. He's using you, just like you said.... I wouldn't stick around for that kind of mal treatment. You've only been married a couple months, and he's already this low? You either have a ton of work to do, and need to talk to a counselor or priest, or you need to leave and get on with your life... this man is not a Man, real men don't do that kind of thing.
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Old 03-03-2009, 10:26 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like my husband uses me!

with both the posts above. There is NO WAY I would stick around for this type of treatment. You need to really reevaluate your marriage. If it's this bad after only a few months, what do you expect will happen after a few years....ten years...? And more children? Doesn't look promising does it?
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Old 03-04-2009, 09:47 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like my husband uses me!

I know deep down that's the thing to do but I think I'm in denial. I'm 29 years old and he's 32 and this is the first marriage for both of us. I always swore I would never get married unless I thought it was forever because I never wanted to go through a divorce and I guess I don't want to admit I really screwed up. The sad thing is that I was so in love with him before. We couldn't wait to see each other in the evenings after work and he was always so nice and understanding of everything. He never tried to change who I was and just acted like he loved me for me. He's the one that wanted a baby so we talked about it and I went off the pill. Now here I am STUCK! I think my problem is that all of my exes were either abusive or tried to make me change into another person and he doesn't. My family moved away last summer and I'm scared to death to have this baby on my own but I know I can't afford to keep him. He's actually working a full week this week and he's already talking about what all he's going to buy on Friday even though he owes me hundreds of dollars and has never given me a cent for bills. He even asked me for $60.00 to buy me a Valentine's Day present and all he got me was a card and a single rose (which was last minute - he used my car on V-Day to go get it). If he just showed me a little appreciation for what I do I don't think I'd mind so much but a get NOTHING!
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Old 03-04-2009, 10:51 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like my husband uses me!

Never beat yourself up, for making a mistake. This kind of stuff happens to Everyone. We all do things we wished we hadn't. so if that part of it is stopping you from sticking up for yourself, dont' let it, dont' feel badly that you might have done the wrong thing for yourself. You deserve a lot better than this man will give you. If he's already treating you so badly in the first few months, chances are , he'll continue it, and it will only get worse. But, if you truly don't want to leave, and love him enough to put up with it, then you'll have to talk to him, let him know his behavior is not going to be tolerated, and then ask him to seek some counseling with you. I hope you can get it worked out. I know you are probably really scared , especially since you're pregnant. You are strong enough, we all are... you've only to find that strength. Do what you feel in your heart, is the right thing for you and your kids.
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Old 03-04-2009, 12:12 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like my husband uses me!

Thanks for the advice. The thing is - my hubby is not a talker. I'll try to start talking to him and he just acts like I've never said anything or he just comes up with some excuse to defend himself. He's the type that would just pack up his bags and leave rather than face a confrontation. He hates to argue or talk at length so it makes it impossible to tell him how I'm feeling. He thinks I'm just hormonal cause I'm pregnant. Just like when he overdrew my account - he didn't think I'd find out. He didn't know I check my account every few days and then when I called and asked him about it he lied. I even believed him enough to call the bank and flip out on them. Then the next day he admitted it but not until after packing his bags and getting ready to leave cause he was mad that I was mad over it. But he caaused enough overdraft fees that it made me work all week to have $5 to my name. He's very selfish.
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Old 03-05-2009, 10:18 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like my husband uses me!

Well - I guess I donn't have to worry about him using me anymore because now he' s leaving me. I wrote him a letter to try to make him undestand that I need to start getting some help from him and he told me that he hasn't been happy for a while now and after reading my letter he made up his mind to leave. He is moving in with his aunt and uncle (someone else who lets him freeload). He says he needs to be alone to have time to figure out what HE wants. F**K me and my feelings. So now I'm married to the dumbass, pregnant with his baby, and completely alone. I seriously think I'm having a nervous breakdown. He said I won't be alone after I have the baby - he'll TRY to get it once in a while after it gets older. LOL! He said he hadn't been happy for a while now but of course he never tells me any of this until after I spend all of my tax return on everything he wanted. I think I'm going to go through everything I bought him and give it to my brother (or else have a bonfire). I'm feeling VERY alone right now. When I asked him why he asked me to marry him he told me I should've said no. That's the only thing he said that actually made any sense.
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Old 03-05-2009, 10:28 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like my husband uses me!

I'm so sorry. I know this hurts you. But really, it wasn't a surprise was it? I mean, consider your post above, and remember the horrendous way you said he'd been treating you. It was obvious he was not in it for you, and to provide as a husband should. He was using you, is what it sounds like to me. I am so sorry that you're pregnant and alone. but, you can make a life for yourself, and your kids. It won't do any good to try to get a man like this one back. I am going to be totally honest with you.... from what you've told us, how he treats you... he sounds like a total jerk... not worth his salt... so , even though it hurts right now... I have a strong feeling you'll be Much better off in the long run. Keep everyone posted. And remember that everything happens for a reason.... When God closes one door, he opens another one.
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Old 03-05-2009, 10:39 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like my husband uses me!

Steps I would take.

1. Sell some of the stuff YOU bought FOR him to get some money.
2. Use that money for a decent divorce lawyer.
3. Get a divorce.

He will be forced to get a job and pay child support for the baby you are pregnant with, that will help out some. Will it be enough to fix your finances? Of course not, but it will help.

He was not ready to be married, he still wanted to be a boy, not a man.

A lot of us like to play video games, I do, but there HAS to be a healthy limit to how much you play them. He appears to be well past that healthy limit.

He really might have a gaming "addiction" and the playstation or xbox might need to be one of the first things to "go".
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Old 03-05-2009, 11:59 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like my husband uses me!

Thanks for the advice guys. I know your right but I'm so crushed right now. My best friend talked to him and she told him it wasn't right for him to do this to me and he told her it wasn't about me. I don't understand what I did wrong - I treated him like a king and he just s**t on me. Hell - he's the one that wanted a baby. And as soon as I ask for a little bit of help he wants to leave. Before I said yes when he asked me to marry him the first thing I asked him was if he was going to help me out with the bills and he said of course he would. What's really messed up about this whole thing is all when all of my other long-term relationships started to go bad - I dreamed of the day I could be on my own and get rid of them, but for some reason I actually wanted this one to work out and tried everything to make it work. I feel like the biggest idiot that ever walked.
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Old 03-05-2009, 12:19 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like my husband uses me!

Well, now let the court force him to help with the bills in the form of child support.
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Old 03-05-2009, 12:49 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like my husband uses me!

you're not an idiot. He took advantage of your love, trust, and admiration for him. He hasn't even come close to being what a husband, spouse, partner, lover, real man is supposed to be. Don't ever feel stupid for believing in him. That is on him, not you.
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Old 03-05-2009, 01:24 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like my husband uses me!

We all make mistakes!! What we do is we "settle". Settle for the guy who seems normal, makes promises, etc. But deep down we know they arent right for us. Dont feel so bad, this may be God's way of telling you that theres so much more to life out there! And God has a plan for your baby...It may seem like life is ending, but it doesnt have to be that way, dear. Get yourself to counseling for you and for the sake of your baby. Ask your ob doc about finding help that has little or no cost and get on your way to living a healthy, happy life! Stay strong! You do NOT need him! Good Luck to you.
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Old 03-06-2009, 08:14 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like my husband uses me!

adp79: Check WV's laws on marriage (I wasn't married in WV, so I don't know what the law says).

You said you've only been married a few months, maybe you can save yourself a lot of money and get an annulment.

This might not be an option, of course... but perhaps you could put the baby up for adoption? You could give the baby a good life by doing that and you would have that knucklehead out of your life completely. Forget child support. If he's a deadbeat now, he'll be a deadbeat then (even if you have the state law behind you).
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