lou

As someone who REQUIRES sleep, I have to sympathize with her on some level. If I don't get 7+ hours I am a NIGHTMARE. During crunch time at work, when I get like 4 hours a sleep a night, people actually avoid me. Any common sense, logic, love that I have in my heart is trampled by my crankiness and I am normally described as "excessively perky." And sex? Forget it. Sleep > Sex when I'm only getting a few hours a night :P

HOWEVER

It's not a valid excuse. I deal with it because it's just a few weeks a year for me and I love my job. What is causing her sleep problems? Does she get enough exercise? Do you snore really badly? Is this a new problem? Is she only cranky when she can't get enough sleep? Is this an avenue you can explore with a doctor or a sleep clinic of some kind?

Browncoat

Oh I missed the sleepy part, yeah my wife gets grumpy if she doesn't get her sleep. To the point where I make darn sure I don't wake her if I can help it.

Check with a doctor to see if she has a sleep disorder of any kind for sure, or if she's getting enough quality sleep.

waiwera

Mishy - i'm still curious if this is new behaviour?
Married 6 months...how long have you known her...has she always been moody and easily angered?

Is she this way with her family and friends...people at work?

Or just you?

Mishy

How much? A lot in my opinion, I would say at least 3-4 hours a day before and after work. 100% of this is shows that she streams or download over the internet on her laptop.

I only watch one show with her that is "survivor", and the other was "breaking bad".

Except "survivor" I leave her alone all the time and it's fine with me, I am not really a tv-show guy.

For the doctor/sleep therapy etc. I talked to her about it today but she brushed it away saying that lately she is doing much better. I hope that's true but I also know that those problems are not likely to disappear easily. I think she just doesn't want to go and get checked.

I get cranky too when I don't sleep enough and I am really understanding towards her, but avoiding fights it's a challenge.


@ waiwera

we dated and lived together 18 months before getting married. She has always been like that but lately has become unbearable to me. She is more "brutal" to me than other people. At work she can be b*tchy (and we worked together that's the way I know) but not the way she is at home with me.

waiwera

Mishy - people treat you the way you let them mostly. Are there people she repects that she isn't rude to? I'm wondering if she can control her crabbiness if she needs to.

What would she say if you pulled her up on her rudeness? " hey please do not speak to me like that..it's dispectful/hurts my feeling etc..."

If she is crabby with a lot of people alot of the time she may do it without realising.. but it's not ok. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that...keep reminding yourself of that.

You use the word brutal in her treatment of you...that's so sad. I want home and me to be the soft place my H comes home to each night...brutal shouldn't be part of any connection between a man and wife.

Difficult if this is her personality though... you can't change that.
Only your reaction to it.


"If I am not for myself, who will be" - Pirke Arot

Mishy

Hi Waiwera. Well, you're right about setting boundaries, and I am working on it.
I have grown up in a very strict and weird family and I started breathing freely and to appreciate life and all its colours just a few years ago. This is not an excuse for me being "passive", but it's something that is somewhat there and I am working on.


About explaining to her what I feel when she is rude, I have done that several times. At first she is upset, then after a while (it can be hours) she apologizes to me. I tolerated this but it's not enough for me now. It's like knowing that you hurt someone if you slap him/her but you keep doing it and then you apologize later.


I agree that she may be crabby/unreasonable without her knowing, well I decided to let her know all the time she is.

I think she is a good person. I just want to get along and eliminate this silly fights.

Mishy

An update.


The last few days we had fights again. I find it very difficult to communicate. English is not my first language and I don't know if that's part of the problem too.
I felt that whenever I tried to express my own opinion I was making her mad. This is very frustrating to me so I basically "shut down" and stopped trying to talk.


Anyway she mentioned that she was tired, and she has not slept well. I suggested going to a doctor/sleep clinic to get checked or at least to get opinions/ideas of what could be the cause of not sleeping.
Her reaction was contrary ("NO!") and quite strong.I asked her why she was upset by me asking and she said that her dad went to a sleep clinic to solve his sleep problems but even after surgery the problem is still there.




I was thinking about this the other day. I came home and I was happy, but as soon as I walked in I could feel the tension and of course my wife was moody. That made me really sad.


I don't know what to do.

Browncoat

You mentioned that English isn't your first language, and it sounds like at times it creates a bit of a problem for you. Have you thought about writing down how you feel or what you want to say to her?

I'd also say that writing it on some stationary if you have some, might be a nice touch if it's something beautiful that you want to tell her (that way she has a keepsake).

Mishy

Well, my English level is quite good, I scored and overall of 7,5 out of 8 at the IELTS test 3 years ago and worked and lived in English-speaking countries since 2008.

I guess for me more than the words it's hard to get in the "slang" or the way you use some words that can have multiple meanings depending on the context.

I will try to write something, I don't know what else to do.

lovelygirl

I'm sorry to say she's treating you very disrespectfully and you don't deserve this.
Show her the man you are and put some limits.

Browncoat

That is a lot of TV. She may feel better about herself if she took 1 of those hours and used it to take a walk around the neighborhood.

Sitting in front of the boob tube is easy, but excessive use doesn't do anyone good.

padgalen

yep sound like PMT. But if it really is that then WHATEVER you do , it will be wrong , eg going off to play golf , ignoring it, refusing to respond (she will keep going until you do), being loving to her, being not loving to her ......whatever.

PMT is an interesting thing because it can be viewed in so many different ways : eg "its a disease , and the poor women sufferers should receive only sympathy from the bastard men who dare to whisper that their own lives are made difficult but it " or "its socially constructed and in effect is just an excuse for bad behavior, by spoilt little madams". plus other views and the variations in between.

Anyhow, going off to play golf wont help my friend. If it this bad you are going to have to address it with her in a lucid interval when she is relatively sane. If it that bad the nshe need SSRIs , eg fluoxetine. This is not just for her benefit, but for yours and for the sake of the marriage.

Good luck.
You'll need it.

DTO

Sounds like maybe the early stages of one of these marriages where the lady got married without being sufficiently attracted.

I have a hard time accepting that interpersonal / relationship difficulties simply started so early in the marriage that at six months it has escalated to this level.

Talk to your wife and insist on truth. Listen to what she says but do not accept b.s. Share your thought that this is pretty early in the marriage for these sorts of issues and you are concerned about the implications for her innate commitment to you and the marriage.

The_Swan

Before I realized that I suffered from anxiety, I'd do to my husband what your wife does to you.

I didn't realize just how much my disorder affected so many aspects of our marriage.
I sought treatment and things have been much better ever since.

If your wife has a mental disorder, then have her seek help.