Mishy

Hi everyone,

I want to share with you what's happening in my marriage. I am worried that this is going to affect our married life in a very negative way. My wife is often cranky. When she is like that nothing is right and everything I do seems to make things worse.
She has trouble sleeping and that's one of the causes of her being nervous/tense. But I don't deserve to be yelled at or snapped at just because I happen to be there when she feels bad.

To know a bit more about us I posted also this on the forum She says she has low libido but..

The thing that hurts me is that when she is cranky we fight for studid things and she always doesn't want to speak to me AND not be touched (I can't hug or take her hand) by me for some time (it can be 2 hours up to 1-2 days). I am really hurt all the times when she does that.
Sometimes I don't even have to say a word and she is mad at me for hours for silly reasons (e.g. I made a noise while she was watching a tv-show).

I am the one always trying to reconcile and make peace but lately I am sick of being the one trying to save things.


Can anyone help me understand what's going through her mind? I have the strong feeling that because I am a "boy" she sees me as an "enemy".

I found this behaviour really immature (and she is 35), I don't know what to do about it.

I tried to talk when we both are calm but I don't get anywhere.

that_girl

Sounds to me like she's disengaging and doesn't want to be with you She just doesn't know what to do about it.

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SunnyT

Will she go to counseling with you?

Mishy

@ SunnyT

I don't know about that. I will have to talk to her about it.


@ that_girl

We got married less than 6 months ago. Now that I read my post again I forgot to mention that when she not mad anymore she acts like nothing happened and she is close and affectionate to me.


I don't understand.

kittykat09

Has she been checked for depression?

waiwera

Is this a new behaviour...the crankiness?

Must say... your not having much of a 'honeymoon period' are you?
Your sexlife sucks and your wife is angry and crabby and rude to you.

None of this is how a 6 month old marriage should be.

Lordhavok

Could be hormone imbalance, or thyroid gland trouble. I have to deal with both and sometimes It drives me up the wall. Whats fine to say now might not be so good in an hour or two without her getting upset or pissy.

AFEH

Sounds like PMT. Sometimes you just gotta duck and then go and play golf or something. If she's aware, she'll recognise what you're doing and appreciate you for it. It'll take time but don't take it personal and whatever you do don't respond to her jabs or even her left hooks and uppercuts.

AFEH

You may want to bear in mind the joke “PMT is something wives have and husbands suffer from”. It takes nothing away from the wives suffering and some do a lot.

But unlike wives, husbands do have a choice as to whether they suffer or not. In essence if you suffer from your wife’s PMT (if indeed that’s what it is) that is your choice. The worse thing to do is to take it personal even though it feels very personal. It has nothing to do with the person you are, you just happen to be there!

So just duck when she’s having a go, make yourself scarce and go and do something you enjoy doing. I cottoned onto this when our sons were quite young, we all suffered. So I taught them to duck and make themselves scare, do something they enjoy doing. After just a little while my wife saw what was happening and she handled her PMT much better from then on!

Browncoat

Is it possible that she wants some alone time now and then and isn't expressing it at all well? I'd talk to her, because if that's the case it might be easy to let her have her time alone for an hour every now and then and just get back together once she's composed herself.

I know for me, I have my "man cave" (lol my wife even got a sign that says just that) that I can retreat to for a short while when I want to be alone for 10-15 minutes. We even have a system: door open = I'm just putzing around come on in, closed door means give me a little while.

Mishy

@ waiwera:

Yes, it sucks. But I would prefer to find a solution than to cry/complain and do nothing.



@ Lordhavok:

She got a thyroid check (2 times) a few months ago and there was nothing abnormal.


@ AFEH:

I had the same thoughts but this happens in every time of the month, so I guess it's not related to pmt/pms.


@ Browncoat:

I just started to build my "cave", where I can "play" with electronics, a hobby that I have since I was child. Plus I get out of the house cycling (when is not snowing). Sometimes it works I have to say, but some days are bad no matter how nice/polite/delicate I try to be.

As I mentioned before I talked to her about it and she said she would make an effort, but so far she never did.

AFEH

With my wife with these things, the “tests” of whatever I typically responded as a codependent would. In that I’d try and get her to “see the light” and change her ways. Crazy or what? I was trying to change another person!

Codependents typically have very poor boundaries and as such they are easily hurt. Simply because without boundaries they let things right the way in to their heart and soul. Codependents are exceptionally easy to hurt, they are very sensitive people and it is easy for another to control the codependent’s emotions.

If this is the case with your good self then you need to take control of yourself. In essence you need to take the remote control your wife has and uses to manipulate your emotions.

This is done with boundaries. You simply don’t let that stuff in. It no longer gets to your heart or your soul. Read up on boundaries, take a look at Relationship Book, Self Help Relationship Book For a Man, Best Manual for Men and get some other books on the subject.

It does mean instead of trying to “understand”, as you are here in the thread you started, you do become intolerant. And what you become intolerant of is your wife’s abusive behaviour. And because of that, your wife will see a new you because you will indeed be a different person.


Then it is totally and absolutely up to your wife as to whether she changes or not! If you do make these changes, it will come as a shock to your wife, not the least because she can no longer control your emotions. You should give her time to adjust to the new person you’ve become.

Browncoat

Well my "man cave" idea was actually directed at your wife... perhaps she wants a "woman cave". A place she can go to be alone for a bit and decompress, or just hang out.

If she could have an easy way too of letting you know if she wants to be alone or not within her cave might help as well.

Mishy

Thanks a lot AFEH! I will definetely read the book.
I already started "No More Mr.Nice Guy" as suggested in the other thread I opened.

Thing is I am becoming intolerant day by day. I reached the limit and I don't want to be affected by those silly fights anymore. Every time a fights happen I am more observant of my and her reactions and my feelings. Sometimes she tries to play with guilt and I am forbidding myself to feel guilty.

Some things have changed but I guess it's not going to be quick.

I guess that she has troubles with "guilt", I tried to talk about it but it was like talking to a nice wall.


@ Browncoat:

She already has a place like that: it's the bedroom where she spends a lot of time watching tv-shows. I leave her alone because I don't like to lie in bed if i am not sleepy.

Browncoat

How my TV does she watch?

If she watches shows at a specific time every night perhaps try and find something for you to do during that time. Perhaps something out of the house or in your man cave. Maybe she just needs to feel more space from you during her time (assuming it's a reasonable amount of time).