I appreciate the comment. Someone wrote earlier that I was wanting justification that I was a good husband, and I suppose that's true to a point. There were no issues like cheating or abuse, so the demise of my marriage was more of a puzzle to me.
She dated a guy for a while and she told me that "he is better to me than you ever were." So, in a few short weeks, he outdid my entire 18 years with her. He then dumped her for "another" woman and married her.
Southbound ...it seems to me (offering up this thought in a humble tone as really, whadda I know?) that you were out of touch with your wife's needs because:
a) you remained unaware instead of being in-tune with her
b) she didn't give you the chance to actually know
I would think that with both of these options there is responsibility on both of you. This wasn't about what you did or didn't do. Whether it's just one that has become uninspired in the relationship, or both, it seems there's mutual responsibility for the break-down of an otherwise "healthy" relationship. And then there's mutual responsibility for the potential fight to make it work too.
Sometimes people come with their own previous experiences too, life stories, that can also influence how they handle situations. Whether one is a cut and run or work it out. It's not an easy thing to summarize and wrap up neatly, to allocate a cause or blame. Truth is, most of the time, no one side actually is to blame. And assigning blame to the other seems a convenient way to side-step having to take responsibility ourselves. And shouldering the blame yourself, seems rather unforgiving too.
I hope you can reconcile in your own mind, this wasn't just about you. It wasn't just about her either. In time, perhaps there will be room for forgiveness and acceptance.
Southbound ...it seems to me (offering up this thought in a humble tone as really, whadda I know?) that you were out of touch with your wife's needs because:
a) you remained unaware instead of being in-tune with her
b) she didn't give you the chance to actually know
I would think that with both of these options there is responsibility on both of you. This wasn't about what you did or didn't do. Whether it's just one that has become uninspired in the relationship, or both, it seems there's mutual responsibility for the break-down of an otherwise "healthy" relationship. And then there's mutual responsibility for the potential fight to make it work too.
Sometimes people come with their own previous experiences too, life stories, that can also influence how they handle situations. Whether one is a cut and run or work it out. It's not an easy thing to summarize and wrap up neatly, to allocate a cause or blame. Truth is, most of the time, no one side actually is to blame. And assigning blame to the other seems a convenient way to side-step having to take responsibility ourselves. And shouldering the blame yourself, seems rather unforgiving too.
I hope you can reconcile in your own mind, this wasn't just about you. It wasn't just about her either. In time, perhaps there will be room for forgiveness and acceptance.
Thanks for the comments. Now that you mention it, she dealt with people with the cut-and run method; she did it with other people in her life. I guess I didn't pay much attention until she did it to me.
Southbound isn't it possible that it is your wife and not you? That you were a loving, helpful partner but that your wife was incapable or unwilling of accepting that love and help? Maybe you need to come to terms with this so that you can move on with your confidence in tact and be ready and willing to accept love from another woman who will appreciate you for who you are, strengths and weaknesses, and be open enough to share with you herself.
It is my humble opinion that the end of your relationship had very little to do with whether or not you were doing chores in this case.
Southbound isn't it possible that it is your wife and not you? That you were a loving, helpful partner but that your wife was incapable or unwilling of accepting that love and help? Maybe you need to come to terms with this so that you can move on with your confidence in tact and be ready and willing to accept love from another woman who will appreciate you for who you are, strengths and weaknesses, and be open enough to share with you herself.
It is my humble opinion that the end of your relationship had very little to do with whether or not you were doing chores in this case.
AMEN SISTA!...
My thoughts exactly. When i said something had to be wrong in the marriage for the divorce & that I was betting it was not about his helping household chores.... I was not trying to imply that he was at fault. I was not trying to say that he "wasn't" a good husband.
Just felt like he wanted some justification. I agree that he needs to be confident that he will find someone more compatible next time & stick with doing things in a relationship for his woman that he wants to do for her.
Southbound isn't it possible that it is your wife and not you? That you were a loving, helpful partner but that your wife was incapable or unwilling of accepting that love and help? Maybe you need to come to terms with this so that you can move on with your confidence in tact and be ready and willing to accept love from another woman who will appreciate you for who you are, strengths and weaknesses, and be open enough to share with you herself.
It is my humble opinion that the end of your relationship had very little to do with whether or not you were doing chores in this case.
Yes, I believe it was mostly her being different than most women or people in general. I just consider it a learning experience to look at all the possibilities. I don't want to drive another woman to unhappiness.
Yes, I believe it was mostly her being different than most women or people in general. I just consider it a learning experience to look at all the possibilities. I don't want to drive another woman to unhappiness.
I find it sad that you consider 'driving another woman to unhappiness' ...I think self-awareness and not wanting to repeat the same mistakes is positive but it doesn't seem you have given yourself much room for the potential thought 'wanting to attract a woman that deserves this'. Okay the word deserve is a bit diva-ish but your wife had a huge part to play in this too. Try not to shoulder it all and become the victim as a result.
I find it sad that you consider 'driving another woman to unhappiness' ...I think self-awareness and not wanting to repeat the same mistakes is positive but it doesn't seem you have given yourself much room for the potential thought 'wanting to attract a woman that deserves this'. Okay the word deserve is a bit diva-ish but your wife had a huge part to play in this too. Try not to shoulder it all and become the victim as a result.
To be honest, reading comments here has caused me to shoulder more of the blame to a degree. I was a good provider, wouldn't cheat, was a good father, etc. I come from an area of the country where unless it;s cheating or abuse, people work it out. She just became unhappy because I didn't seem to want to do anything anymore. Once she decided she wanted the divorce, she looked back and it appeared I never did anything right. Everybody I talked to in person thought she had lost her mind after 18 years, even some of her own family.
Then I come here and discover that there are people who just "fall out of love" or suffer in silence or would divorce because their spouse became a little boring over the years. So, I had to start rethinking my role in this. I started this thread because I read that some women think its not sexy if their man does household chores, etc. I know she didn't divorce me over that alone, but perhaps it was a hundred little things like that that caused the unhappiness.
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Re: Household chores 
AMEN SISTA!... 
