Household chores
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Old 04-14-2012, 08:42 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Household chores

I know there have been several threads over time about what a man's role should be in housework. It seems that some men are totally lazy and won't lift a finger, and women don't like that. On the other hand, it seems that if a guy does too much, it's not very sexy from the woman's point of view. It appears that women would just like some recognition about how hard they work in the home.

I had a unique situation, however, that a female TAM friend said I should ask here. In my 18 years of marriage, I did a lot of housework. I did most all the laundry always, and there were times when I did a large portion of the other housework. I did a lot of diaper changes and getting up in the night with babies. When my x became "no longer happy" and wanted a divorce, all that didn't seem to matter, although I never heard her complain during the marriage.

My situation was that I got a lot more vacation time than my wife. I got 8 weeks in the summer and a few weeks here and there throughout the year. The thing is, I would have felt like a total slob to have just sat around on my time off and waited for my wife to come in and clean the house. During the times I was off for long periods and she was working, I did most everything. I would cook supper, etc. It just made sense to me under the circumstances.

Are you ladies split on this? Would some of you have loved it while others would not? If the way i did it was a mistake, how should I have handled it differently?
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Old 04-14-2012, 09:04 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Household chores

I would have loved that. Dr Phil is right when he says if you want to turn your wife on, do the dishes. If I don't have to mentally check of all ether chores I have to do when I get home, I can think about what a hot **** my husband is and get excited for him.
It us totally possibles that tour wifely behavior turned your wife off though.
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Old 04-14-2012, 10:22 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Household chores

Hi southbound ~

I think the only time it could qualify as being a 'mistake' is if the housework being done is deceitful ... in otherwords, if you are only doing the housework in order to get something (oh, maybe something like sex ) out of your wife ... so in essence if it is a covert contract that likely has never been shared with your spouse then I don't think it's a good thing for the relationship.

Likewise, if your spouse takes advantage of your generosity and doesn't also pitch in, then I also don't think it's a good thing for the relationship.

But, otherwise, helping out around the house, especially if you have more time off... simply because you ARE a member of the family is all good, in my opinion. Too bad that your wife couldn't see that.

Best wishes.
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Old 04-14-2012, 10:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Household chores

I never even think about housework. I work half of what Hubs works, so I'm home more, so I do most of the housework. But he takes care of the yard and lately, since surgery, he's been AMAZING at doing some of the things I can't.

He also does deep cleaning once a month--- moves furniture and vacuums. Sexy. I just sit and watch my "wife porn"
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Old 04-14-2012, 10:59 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Household chores

I love it when my husband helps with the housework. I did have to learn early in our marriage that he does things his way, I need to keep my mouth shut about my standards if I want his help. I think it was very loving of you to see what needed to be done, and do it while you were home and she was working.

Do you think that you did too much for your wife? Did you feel that her needs were more important than your needs? What was her attitude about you doing the housework?
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Old 04-14-2012, 12:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Household chores

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Hi southbound ~

I think the only time it could qualify as being a 'mistake' is if the housework being done is deceitful ... in otherwords, if you are only doing the housework in order to get something (oh, maybe something like sex ) out of your wife ... so in essence if it is a covert contract that likely has never been shared with your spouse then I don't think it's a good thing for the relationship.
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Do you think that you did too much for your wife? Did you feel that her needs were more important than your needs? What was her attitude about you doing the housework?


I'm sure I brought it to her attention in later years, especially during the divorce, that I had been rather handy around the house, but that certainly wasn't how it got started, nor was it the attitude I gave in the beginning. As I said, I got a lot more vacation time than her, and I never was the kind of guy who had a wood project going in the basement or stayed in the garage all the time; so, it just made sense that I would take care of these things. I would have felt like a complete idiot to have done nothing.

Another factor was that her job was more physically demanding than mine with more daily hours. She was really exhausted at first. Sometimes she would come in and it was like all her energy had been drained, so, I didn't mind cooking supper for my new bride and helping out. She always seemed to appreciate what I did, but I do believe she took it for granted over the years.

It was years into our marriage that I started to hear things, like from the Dr. Phil show, that helping around the house could actually help with the sex life because it was a positive thing instead of a negative, like sitting on your butt. I realized that I already did all this stuff, but it didn't seem to help. I later started to hear that husbands doing too much housework might actually be a turn-off.
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Old 04-14-2012, 01:52 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Household chores

If you had the time to help out & you did, then you did right.

You're just wanting justification that you were a "good husband". Something went wrong, for you to be divorced. I'm guessing it was NOT over fights that you helped out too much with the chores.

Yes... it's a good quality to help out. If your next relationship, you find that she doesn't appreciate it, or that she thinks you are in some way telling her she doesn't do a good enough job.. .then I'd say you two are not compatible and that you should find a lady who will appreciate the things you are willing to give in a relationship.
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Old 04-14-2012, 03:29 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Household chores

i do my fair share around the house and have a fulltime job and am the sole breadwinner. i do what needs doing without any intent to get anything back for it, which is good cause i dont
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Old 04-14-2012, 04:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Household chores

I would have loved it - my ex wasn't too bad but left earlier than me and got home later, so expected me to do it all and do the dinner despite having done a full day at work too

funny, it's much cleaner and tidier now he isn't here....
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Old 04-14-2012, 05:19 PM   #10 (permalink)
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If you had the time to help out & you did, then you did right.

You're just wanting justification that you were a "good husband". Something went wrong, for you to be divorced. I'm guessing it was NOT over fights that you helped out too much with the chores.

Yes... it's a good quality to help out. If your next relationship, you find that she doesn't appreciate it, or that she thinks you are in some way telling her she doesn't do a good enough job.. .then I'd say you two are not compatible and that you should find a lady who will appreciate the things you are willing to give in a relationship.
Good point. I guess she didn't divorce me because I was too helpful. And i suppose i did do everything I thought made a good husband, yet I still drove a woman to unhappiness. It just seems weird sometimes.
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Old 04-14-2012, 07:05 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Household chores

I would have loved it had my estranged husband helped with the household chores. We worked the same number of hours, yet he did very little to help around the house. Every time I asked for help, he disappeared off to play another video game or get on the computer. My parents really felt sorry for me and helped out more than my husband. Dad took care of the yard and Mom sometimes did some of the housework or helped the children with homework.

Your wife was blessed to have you around!
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Old 04-14-2012, 08:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Your wife was blessed to have you around!
I appreciate the comment. Someone wrote earlier that I was wanting justification that I was a good husband, and I suppose that's true to a point. There were no issues like cheating or abuse, so the demise of my marriage was more of a puzzle to me.

She dated a guy for a while and she told me that "he is better to me than you ever were." So, in a few short weeks, he outdid my entire 18 years with her. He then dumped her for "another" woman and married her.
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Old 04-14-2012, 10:01 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Do tell. What's your "wife porn"?
Just him cleaning and working around the house. he'll do it shirtless with his tool belt. It's sexy.
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Old 04-14-2012, 10:16 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I would have loved that. Dr Phil is right when he says if you want to turn your wife on, do the dishes. If I don't have to mentally check of all ether chores I have to do when I get home, I can think about what a hot **** my husband is and get excited for him.
It us totally possibles that tour wifely behavior turned your wife off though.
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SB, I think there might have been some other reasons your wife wanted out. I don't think you doing the chores was the reason.

I've heard Dr. Phil say this, too. And it's probably true with healthy wives. Now that I've realized I'm married to someone who probably has Borderline Personality Disorder, a lot of things from our past 18 years make sense.

I did the dishes a lot. And rather than turning her on, she would usually get angry with me. She had various reasons, but here are some of the tops: (1) When I'm doing dishes, I'm not spending time with her. Never mind that all she was doing was watching TV. If I didn't watch TV with her, she felt abandoned. (2) I didn't wash them the right way. If I didn't put the dirty dishes on the left of the sink and the clean ones to dry on the right, I was messing up her little system. Never mind that I might like having the clean ones drying on the left because there's more room there. If I put the dishes on the "wrong" side of the sink, I'd get a lecture. (3) I didn't put them in the right cupboard. I tried to, honestly. But sometimes I would put a plastic cup in the cupboard with the glass ones. OH MY GOSH the anguish that would cause!

Finally, I gave up. Let her wash her own damn dishes.

But in my case at least, Dr. Phil was full of crap. Me trying to help out was a major turnoff. Of course me NOT trying to help out is also a turnoff. Everything I do is a turnoff. Sigh....
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Old 04-15-2012, 08:37 AM   #15 (permalink)
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SB, I think there might have been some other reasons your wife wanted out. I don't think you doing the chores was the reason.

I've heard Dr. Phil say this, too. And it's probably true with healthy wives. Now that I've realized I'm married to someone who probably has Borderline Personality Disorder, a lot of things from our past 18 years make sense.

I did the dishes a lot. And rather than turning her on, she would usually get angry with me. She had various reasons, but here are some of the tops: (1) When I'm doing dishes, I'm not spending time with her. Never mind that all she was doing was watching TV. If I didn't watch TV with her, she felt abandoned. (2) I didn't wash them the right way. If I didn't put the dirty dishes on the left of the sink and the clean ones to dry on the right, I was messing up her little system. Never mind that I might like having the clean ones drying on the left because there's more room there. If I put the dishes on the "wrong" side of the sink, I'd get a lecture. (3) I didn't put them in the right cupboard. I tried to, honestly. But sometimes I would put a plastic cup in the cupboard with the glass ones. OH MY GOSH the anguish that would cause!

Finally, I gave up. Let her wash her own damn dishes.

But in my case at least, Dr. Phil was full of crap. Me trying to help out was a major turnoff. Of course me NOT trying to help out is also a turnoff. Everything I do is a turnoff. Sigh....
I'm sure she didn't divorce me because I did too many chores, but there were no big issues like cheating or abuse. It startled the kids because they though things were fine. Since there was none of the obvious reasons, I'm just looking at all the other stuff. In my situation, Dr. Phil was full of it too.
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