I got such good feedback last time I'm posting here again. If you remember, I've been with same woman 20 years never married. Lots of hard feelings over the years between us, but we are in MC and are making strides. We are reconciling after EA last fall. A few weeks ago had a huge fight. She has been acting weird lately and says that she is getting the same feelings that she had before about the relationship that led her to almost leaving (the entire relationship) last fall. She says any time we fight like that , warning signs go off that things are just like they always were. This in turn has made me feel like our entire relationship hinges on her feelings after a fight or when we have an argument. She is fighting these feelings she says and says she understands they are telling her we have an awful relationship etc. not worth keeping. She says she knows they are her own issues about commitment and fights them. My question to you females is this: does this sound realistic? Should she have to work that hard to want to stay in it or can raw feelings cause this conflict inside? She says she loves me dearly and wants to be with me. It feels like every time we fight, she wants to run away from the relationship- she pretty much admits her feelings get ultra sensitive when it happens. But then after things calm down she wants to pursue the relationship, finally get married etc., seems happy and loving. So, we are both really confused. Any input is very welcome.
I'm almost wondering if hormones are an issue. (Is she premenopausal age?) I don't mean to sound like some men I know & jump on the "its that time of the month" wagon.
I am speaking from experience. When I fight with hubby now... I get very unsure of myself & emotions run rampant & I can go way overboard with "do I want this relationship" thoughts... At least right then at that moment after a disagreement.
I never used to be like that. Sure, I liked & wanted hugs & re-assurance from him before... But Now.... geessh,, It's like I NEED those hugs & telling me everything will be alright. I NEED to know that he still wants me. I might have been somewhat insecure before, but the hormones have blown it out of proportion sometimes. Especially if I pick a fight & then he doesn't react the way I wanted. (sad, but beginning to see it's true)
If that is part of her problem, a talk with a doctor & some meds could make all the difference in the world.
She says she knows they are her own issues about commitment and fights them.
She says she loves me dearly and wants to be with me. It feels like every time we fight, she wants to run away from the relationship- she pretty much admits her feelings get ultra sensitive when it happens. But then after things calm down she wants to pursue the relationship, finally get married etc., seems happy and loving
I understand this. I don't have commitment issues, but I do have intimacy issues (not sex, intimacy). So when it became clear that our relationship was serious and we became closer, I started to feel nervous and antsy about it.
The closer we became and the more time we spent together and the more emotionally intimate we became, the more anxious it made me feel. I used to have what I called "epic battles" in my head where I would feel like pulling away and would have to talk myself back into relaxing and enjoying our relationship. I would have to fight against pulling away.
It helped me to know that my epic battles weren't because I didn't love him or didn't want him or didn't want "us". I knew that I was struggling due to my intimacy issues - I was self-sabotaging. I knew that if I could work my way through the intimacy fears, I would stop having those panicked feelings of needing to run away.
In the end, that is exactly what made things better. I worked though my fears with my bf's help, we talked about a lot of the things that were holding me back, and I kept fighting those epic battles in my head until they became smaller and disappeared.
Don't be discouraged! You can work through this, especially since your wife is so self-aware that her feelings of wanting to run away are due to her commitment issues. Be patient, don't push. When she feels like running away, back off a little so she doesn't feel pressured. As you have already seen, she comes back again when she's relaxed a little about it.
Progress will be two steps forward, one step back.
If she isn't making progress through her commitment issues, a therapist might be able to help. Those fears stem from something in her past, so they may need to come out and be addressed. I was able to work through my fears with my bf, but I knew where my fears came from.
I have ptsd, abandonment issues, intimacy issues, and I'm perimenopausal....in short I'm a mess. LOL
3 rounds of therapy, hormones and I still have to fight negative feelings towards my husband sometimes. I'm a 1,000% better than I was but it took some serious work on my part.
Awesome feedback ladies. I realize that in my 40's I am very ignorant. My biggest issue is that I try to "fix" the situation. When she doesn't feel "right" I want to make it right and giving her space is the last thing I want to do. This makes it worse she says. Anyway, thank you all SOOOO MUCCHH for this, you describe EXACTLY what is happening and what she says is happening. God Bless each of you!!!!
If you want the relationship so bad, why can't you control yourself and STOP the fight before it happens?
I was thinking the same thing. My husband doesn't fight with me so I don't have that anxiety on top of everything else I'm dealing with. We have calm discussions yes but no fighting. And if one of us gets too emotional (usually me) I end the conversation until I calm down.
I was thinking the same thing. My husband doesn't fight with me so I don't have that anxiety on top of everything else I'm dealing with. We have calm discussions yes but no fighting. And if one of us gets too emotional (usually me) I end the conversation until I calm down.
I second and third this. My bf has major patience and does not escalate things when I'm emotional. He recognizes it and speaks very calmly with me. That helps me to recognize what's going on, and to either calm down myself so we can discuss or so I can table it until I'm more "myself".
My STBXW always had a beef with me in that I refused to openly escalate a verbal fight with her, saying to me that I did not want/like confrontation with/from her. Is that a bad trait, or does she have any validity to her argument?
So there are calm people out there other than myself? Guess I'll just need to look a little harder the next time that I choose to get romantically involved!
Just a bit of advice on men's vs. women's perspective. Men want to 'fix' things. Women want to 'vent'.
Example:
When I would come home from work and start b!tching about it, my BF would start giving me advice on how to fix the situation. I told him, "I don't want advice. I KNOW how to fix it." He asked, "Then what do you want?" I told him, "I want you to tell me I'm right. I want you to tell me that they're a bunch of assh*les who don't appreciate me and don't deserve my hard work." He said, "Then you don't want any advice?" I said, nope and he said okay.
This is a basic difference I've observed between men and women. If I had talked to a girlfriend about work, she would have AUTOMATICALLY known that I wanted support and righteous indignation on my behalf, not advice UNLESS I specifically asked for her advice on how to handle the situation.
Not sure this will help you in YOUR particular situation, but just a little nugget to tuck away in the back of your mind for future use. And if you could pass the info on to other men, we women would appreciate it!!! We don't always want you to fix things. We want you to listen, validate us, and DON'T offer an opinion unless we say, "What do you think I should do?"
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Question for females 
