I started visiting this forum about three weeks ago, when I first suspected my wife was having an EA. I didn't have proof, but I knew she wasn't being honest with me.
She started becoming distant a month ago. All the red flags were there. She started working very late every night, she had a new group of friends including males. About a week ago, upon glancing at her cell phone, I saw the first real sign that something was going on. One of her new male friends, after she sent him a text asking what he was doing, he replied with "I'm in bed now. I wish you were here with me." She didn't respond directly to this, just talked about being out with her other friends. When I saw this message, I confronted her, and she said that she didn't even notice that and she didn't reply to him about that. Trusting her, I let it go.
Over the next few days, I noticed she frequently visited his facebook page and texted him. She started listening to music completely different from what she had listened to before. I hinted to her that I wasn't comfortable with how close she seemed to be with this man.
Four days ago, we had a big fight. I told her I didn't appreciate how distant she was being, and told her that I was suspicious of this friend of hers. She apologized and said she has just been stressed and would try to make more time with me. I asked her to promise me she would not become so close to this man, and she told me they barely talked and they wouldn't talk anymore.
I frequently checked her cell phone over the next two days. The last text message from him was from right before our last fight. I still felt suspicious.
Well, my instincts proved to be right. Yesterday, I checked the phone bill (her phone is in my name). She had been texting him very frequently and deleting all the recent messages so it appeared to me that she had stopped.
I was at work, but I couldn't control myself. I sent her a message immediately that I knew she had lied to me about him, and after quite a bit of angry words, I told her she would need to pack her clothes and leave by the end of the day. She replied that she was so sorry and that she doesn't know how I found out and that she wanted to tell me everything. I said that she can tell me whatever she wants while she packs.
She was already home, and crying, when I got there. Words were said, and she begged me to allow her to tell the truth. So, it turns out it was not only an EA but a PA as well. The PA started two weeks ago, and they had been together "more than 5 times".
I have never been so hurt in my life. The details of the PA make me physically sick. The worst and most insulting incident:
Last week, my wife called me to pick her up from work (she doesn't drive). I drove the 15 minutes to her work, and called her from the parking lot. She said "I'm sorry I really need to work on something, can you come get me later?" Annoyed, I went home and waited. She came home about two hours later. She was very friendly to me, as if nothing was out of the ordinary. I found out later that she was with him. I was waiting outside to pick her up, and she sent me away so she could cheat on me. I found this out because she forgot her phone in his car that day. She said one of her female friends had driven her home, but I later saw on her facebook that she told her female friend she had left her phone in that man's car, and she hinted that they had been physical that evening, and that it was not the first time.
I hate that this happened to me. I feel like my life is over. I suffer from bipolar disorder, and last night was one of the worst episodes in my life. I ended up smashing dishes, boxes, everything I could get my hands on. I broke the TV. The police came. My wife sent them away - I would never hurt her, but my disease prevents me from acting rationally. I ended up having to leave because it become a full blown psychiatric emergency. I had to be treated by an on-call doctor who gave me sedatives and told me to sleep it off and see my doctor in the morning.
Since I was already gone, I stayed gone. I went to my mother's house. She drove me back to our home so I could get my meds, and when I walked in my wife was sitting on the couch with a female friend, who was there to comfort her. I just got my meds, packed a bag. She tried to talk to me, and I just told her how hurt I was. Said the same story over and over. She insists that she cares about me and loves me, but I don't know how you can love someone and still cheat on them, especially when they are waiting outside for you.
I left, but last night was an endless stream of furious and hurt texts. I just can't stop telling her how hurt I am. At least she has the decency to cry and be remorseful.
Last night I went public as much as I could, out of pure fury. Unfortunately I could only do it via phone or facebook, but I confronted the other man, her friends who knew and didn't stop her, told her other friends that didn't know, and I contacted the other man's girlfriend.
I hate her so much, but I still care deeply about her. She is 8 years younger than me, and doesn't have a quarter of the life experiences that I do. I hate what she did to me, but I can't help but think that I have made many mistakes in my life... and if I can't forgive her, why do I deserve other people's forgiveness for the times I have wronged them.
I agreed to meet her today, and we spent about three hours talking to her. I gave her my conditions. I told her she must agree to them before I even begin to consider reconciliation. I told her she must immediately stop all contact with the other man, and that entire circle of friends with the exception of two women who I hope will be good for her. I told her she must not develop or maintain a close friendship or relationship with any males, and she was not to be alone with another male for any reason. Finally, I asked her to write me a letter. She must fully disclose all the details of her affair, agree to the terms I set forth, and tell me her plan for reconciliation. I told her that I will agree to meet with her again once that document is written, and we can enter counseling and attempt a reconciliation, but also that my primary focus at the moment is my own mental health and keeping my job (my bipolar episode forced me to miss work today)
Forgive me if my writing is too long or doesn't make sense. I'm not in a very clear frame of mind. I desperately want to be able to some day forgive my wife for what she's done to me, but at the moment I can't see how that will ever happen. But, I guess I have already made progress. Two days ago I was in the mindset that I would send her packing for even an EA. I never would have guessed I would even agree to meet with her again after learning of a PA. It's easy to say you'll never forgive, but life is not so black and white. This last month aside, I have been at my happiest and healthiest due to my relationship with my wife. We are separated for the time being, but I told her that if she agreed to my conditions and did the things I asked of her, I would be willing to meet with her, go to counseling, and possibly schedule some dates together. As long as she commits and is dedicated, I don't see why we can't build a new foundation and find a happy life together.
It doesn't dull the pain though. It REALLY hurts.