WOW! Thanks to everyone for your quick replies. Several others have also told me that affairs are not the answer. My son is 4 and we do have 1 or 2 friends who can watch him for a while, but no one who I can leave him with overnight, due to his sleeping issues and various medicines he needs. I've told my wife how I feel and she cried because she didn't know how hurt I was. One of her issues is she is afraid of having another baby. I am too. We talked about it and this week I'm actually going to get a vascetomy. Hopefully that will ease some of the problem.
That is what I was thinking too (about having another one). I'm so happy you communicated with her. And I agree she also needs time alone too not just with you. She has probably understandably lost herself in caring for your children. She needs to care for herself as well. Make time for eachother and look into the respite thing through hour local county. Wish you the best
My hubby had a vasectomy btw he recovered very quickly and it is great not having to worry about that anymore....its a great idea
One of her issues is she is afraid of having another baby. I am too. We talked about it and this week I'm actually going to get a vascetomy. Hopefully that will ease some of the problem.
Wow. It's deja vu all over again. Don't bet on it improving things.
I'm counting two HUGE excuses, either one could have been overcome if it were REALLY the issue. I still blows me away that there are so many smart, experienced people on this board that can't or won't admit that most wives fall out of love with their husbands. Usually between 4- 10 years, but earlier is possible. Women need love for sex. Once the love leaves, the sex is soon to follow.
She's not into you any more. Get used to it or get divorced. I chose getting used to it. Divorce would have been a LOT easier.
I agree with DawnD
Take action. Book the caregiver, get the help you both need (you are both probably tired) and make sure your relationship is a priority.
Just be aware that one date together at this point probably won't turn the tables right away. It might be like starting all over again after 2 years. It might take time.
Why two years? What made you ask for advice at this point?
Has there been ANY sex at all in the past 2 years?
Has she been to the doctor lately? Maybe she needs to be checked out, to rule out anything medically. Could be a number of things though. Is there anything you can think of that she may be harboring some resentment about? Do you help her often with your son?
WOW! Thanks to everyone for your quick replies. Several others have also told me that affairs are not the answer. My son is 4 and we do have 1 or 2 friends who can watch him for a while, but no one who I can leave him with overnight, due to his sleeping issues and various medicines he needs. I've told my wife how I feel and she cried because she didn't know how hurt I was. One of her issues is she is afraid of having another baby. I am too. We talked about it and this week I'm actually going to get a vascetomy. Hopefully that will ease some of the problem.
Talking is good. Now she knows how you feel and that's a HUGE first step in the right direction.
Even if you have friends who can help you out with special needs child care, I would still look into respite care from your county or state. It's free.
The best thing you two can do for him is to be a strong family unit. If you and your wife are both united and working together, you'll do so much for him. You're on a long road and it's hard to go at it as a single, weary parent. When your marriage is strong, you'll both have more to give to your child. It's easy to make a marriage child-centric and a lot of us do that, but when the marriage is focused on the couple, the child/children benefit even more.
Also I wonder if she's depressed. If she's that upset about this that she doesn't want to have another child I'm guessing she is really having a hard time. No offense but not everyone who has one special needs child stops at the first one. I'm guessing she hasn't grieved for what she lost. It's hard to admit that you're disappointed, upset, and you wish your child were different. It feels wrong. I'm guessing she hasn't dealt with any of those emotions because she can't and doesn't have time.
If your child isn't sleeping through the night and she is always getting up, that is a huge libido zapper. I hated feeling like my d was going to cry anytime we did it. You just feel like why bother, the kid is never going to let you do anything that is fun.
My d didn't start sleeping through the night until she was four and when she did it changed me. People just have no idea how it changes your personality and outlook.
People at work tell me when I first started half the time I looked like a zombie.
So your child is two? Have you considered Head Start? If nothing else get respite care and find a special needs play group. Get her into therapy.
And really, I would advise not having the big V until after she's been in counseling for awhile. She might change her mind.
Also have you thought about her getting a part time job solely to get her out of the house and with adults? You could use her earnings to pay for a
special needs sitter. Posted via Mobile Device
Ladies I need your help. My wife and I haven't had sex in almost 2 years. We have an autistic child that takes a lot of her time during the day. She says she is mentally and physically exhausted all the time from being his main caregiver. I help out at nights, after work, and on the weekends. I understand he is handful, but I've told her it isn't fair to me that I have to live in a sexless marriage. I don't want to cheat, but will just for sex.
As the mother of a special needs child, I can tell you it is vitally important you and your wife not neglect your relationship.
Special needs, as you know, can add much stress to the normal daily stresses of marriage. A good sex life will relieve some of that stress and help you two stay connected.
I have no doubt she is tired and overwhelmed. Autism is particularly draining. It is great you are helping out.
If possible, hire an autism-friendly caregiver for your child, if only for an hour. Even getting out of the house together for a cup of coffee, a muffin and some couple time is so helpful.
If she doesn't take care of herself as a woman, and take care of you as your wife, that's not in her best interest or in your child's.
WOW! Thanks to everyone for your quick replies. Several others have also told me that affairs are not the answer. My son is 4 and we do have 1 or 2 friends who can watch him for a while, but no one who I can leave him with overnight, due to his sleeping issues and various medicines he needs. I've told my wife how I feel and she cried because she didn't know how hurt I was. One of her issues is she is afraid of having another baby. I am too. We talked about it and this week I'm actually going to get a vascetomy. Hopefully that will ease some of the problem.
You might want to hold off on that V until you are sure you want to be in this marriage for the long term (without cheating). My sense is that the person who really wants to be permanently sterilized should do it, whether that is the man or the woman.
These folks who say there is always time for sex know what they are talking about. I was the one who handled my son's leukemia treatments for three years until he passed. So it was work F/T, deal with insurance issues, doctor visits (avg. 2x per week, many of them 6 hours), oversee home schooling, and keep up with the housework (have to be clean with immune compromised patients). Yet I always found time and my ex generally was not into it.
What I found was that my ex always had sex at the bottom of the list, stars be in alignment, etc. and needed to be coddled besides. The cancer issue was one more (albeit extreme) justification to not have sex - but the underlying issue was there all along.
If that is your situation as well, you need to make sure you are tackling the underlying issue. If you take the approach "once my child is squared away for a bit she will respond" you are likely to be disappointed.
ETA: also, make sure that the problem with finding care is not that you simply refuse to cede that much control or time away from your child. I don't know much about autism, but I understand the powerful emotion to, as the most knowledgeable one about your child, want to keep an iron grip on his time and make sure nothing interferes with his care.
People who are motivated to have sex make opportunities to do so, regardless of what else is going on. I find it incredulous that she couldn't find 30 minutes in 2 years. She hasn't watched one TV program in 2 years? Hasn't read one newspaper? It takes more time to do either of those than to take care of her husband. I don't think he's expecting her to run a marathon, or swing from a trapeze. As far as extra help being expensive, setting oneself up for a divorce isn't a great way to save money. It would seem that keeping a husband would be rather important for the financial survival of a stay-at-home mom with a special needs child. If she's depressed, dealing with an affair or a divorce isn't likely to improve her mental health.
You are staying with her so you can have a reliable adult available to take care of your special needs child.
She is staying with you because you can provide for hers and your child, financially.
You BOTH need to ask yourselves "who will take care of and provide for our child once we are dead and gone?
Staying in a marriage that is dead only hastens the death of it's participants.
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Re: No sex with my wife in almost 2 years 
