No sex with my wife in almost 2 years
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Old 04-25-2012, 02:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default No sex with my wife in almost 2 years

Ladies I need your help. My wife and I haven't had sex in almost 2 years. We have an autistic child that takes a lot of her time during the day. She says she is mentally and physically exhausted all the time from being his main caregiver. I help out at nights, after work, and on the weekends. I understand he is handful, but I've told her it isn't fair to me that I have to live in a sexless marriage. I don't want to cheat, but will just for sex.
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Old 04-25-2012, 03:39 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex with my wife in almost 2 years

I agree with Coffee Amore, especially about cheating not being the answer. It will likely ruin your marriage.

CA also had some great suggestions. Just try and find ways to give her a chance to recover and feel like a woman rather than a caregiver 24/7.

Perhaps arrange for a weekend away together (leave your son with family?). You two need some time to talk it out. Somewhere you both can relax and enjoy one another. Don't spring the conversation on her right away too... let her breathe a bit before you get into serious conversation.
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Old 04-25-2012, 04:27 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex with my wife in almost 2 years

Don't cheat on her just because she won't have sex with you.

You're not happy, lay it all out for her to consider and if she won't give it to you then tell her you're getting it elsewhere and if she's not happy with a marriage of convenience then divorce her first and THEN go find yourself a sex partner.
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Old 04-25-2012, 04:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex with my wife in almost 2 years

Seriously? This woman hasn't had any energy at all to do anything other than provide for your son for two years? I don't have a special needs child but my wife gives the "too tired" excuse, too (among dozens of others). She finds the energy to work in the garden, paint, do crafts, shop, go for motorcycle rides, or anything else she wants to do. Hire a caregiver for a couple months. If you're still getting turned down, you know her excuse is just that...an excuse.
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Old 04-25-2012, 04:43 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex with my wife in almost 2 years

Two years is a very long time. You've reached now or never mode, meaning you all either work on this now or you need to be thinking of alternative strategies. Those alternative strategies are for you to decide, but it's not OK to be trapped in an asexual marriage.
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Old 04-25-2012, 05:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex with my wife in almost 2 years

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Originally Posted by Lonelyandmarried View Post
Ladies I need your help. My wife and I haven't had sex in almost 2 years. We have an autistic child that takes a lot of her time during the day. She says she is mentally and physically exhausted all the time from being his main caregiver. I help out at nights, after work, and on the weekends. I understand he is handful, but I've told her it isn't fair to me that I have to live in a sexless marriage. I don't want to cheat, but will just for sex.
OP, I have an autistic son who is now almost 9 years old. I get that it is a lot of work, but I think you are addressing this backwards.

Spending all day with a child with special needs can be frustrating, especially if you have a lot of people tell you "Oh, I totally get it, my best friends cousins uncles sister has a kid with autism" and you want to just slap them. Its hard to relate, and often the support groups turn into " My kid has it worse than yours" sessions.

Instead, I would ask if you could manage to inform her that her energy level is probably zapped, and that she needs to get into a regular gym routine to pick it back up. She needs that something for herself before she is going to offer you much of anything. I kid you not, I have two kids by myself, one who is autistic, has IEP meetings, therapies, teachers, etc, etc all week long, and I am still raring to go when my H is home. She needs to get herself back up and get into running, walking, jogging, pilates, something. Get that energy back.

I do agree that you need to talk to her and also inform her you are considering divorce over the lack of sex. I certainly wouldn't be down with my H cutting me off, so I don't expect you would be either. If you cheat, you are having an effect on things you would never even think about. Keep it clean, and keep it in your pants until you are either divorcing or having sex with your wife.
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Old 04-25-2012, 05:34 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex with my wife in almost 2 years

I had a severely handicapped child for almost 25 years. She was totally dependent on others for everything in her life. She could not hold a cup or feed herself.

My wife and I still managed to make time for each other. It can be done.
Your child is not the reason or a decent excuse for no sex life.

It takes both of you to raise and care for your child. Without the two of you taking care of each other, then the child will not be properly cared for.
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:00 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex with my wife in almost 2 years

WOW! Thanks to everyone for your quick replies. Several others have also told me that affairs are not the answer. My son is 4 and we do have 1 or 2 friends who can watch him for a while, but no one who I can leave him with overnight, due to his sleeping issues and various medicines he needs. I've told my wife how I feel and she cried because she didn't know how hurt I was. One of her issues is she is afraid of having another baby. I am too. We talked about it and this week I'm actually going to get a vascetomy. Hopefully that will ease some of the problem.
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:23 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex with my wife in almost 2 years

Have you talked to her about getting into a workout/gym routine to increase her energy level?? Honestly, most people I know who work out(myself included) feel a ton better when they get into a routine. More energy, better mood.
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex with my wife in almost 2 years

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Seriously? This woman hasn't had any energy at all to do anything other than provide for your son for two years? I don't have a special needs child but my wife gives the "too tired" excuse, too (among dozens of others). She finds the energy to work in the garden, paint, do crafts, shop, go for motorcycle rides, or anything else she wants to do. Hire a caregiver for a couple months. If you're still getting turned down, you know her excuse is just that...an excuse.
I doubt his wife has the time or the energy for any activities for herself. These children often require care 24/7 due to severe behavioral and sleep issues. My sister and my best friend are both living it. My friend's child is 10, still is not potty trained, and she still has to get up during the night, every night, to care for him.

Hire an alternate caregiver? It costs more-- a lot more-- to find someone able and willing to deal with it.

Exhausting isn't the word. This isn't a typical "sexless" situation.
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:57 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex with my wife in almost 2 years

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I doubt his wife has the time or the energy for any activities for herself. These children often require care 24/7 due to severe behavioral and sleep issues. My sister and my best friend are both living it. My friend's child is 10, still is not potty trained, and she still has to get up during the night, every night, to care for him.

Hire an alternate caregiver? It costs more-- a lot more-- to find someone able and willing to deal with it.

Exhausting isn't the word. This isn't a typical "sexless" situation.
I have been living with it as well, and still manage to have a huge sex drive. It is about priorities. She has to make him one. Yes, special needs children are exhausting, especially with prolonged and uninterrupted contact. She needs to get something to do for herself, and give some more focus to her husband. It is very doable, and there are a lot of parents with these same circumstances who make it happen because it is important to them.
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Old 04-25-2012, 10:03 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I have been living with it as well, and still manage to have a huge sex drive. It is about priorities. She has to make him one. Yes, special needs children are exhausting, especially with prolonged and uninterrupted contact. She needs to get something to do for herself, and give some more focus to her husband. It is very doable, and there are a lot of parents with these same circumstances who make it happen because it is important to them.
Good for you- I'm glad that you are able to cope so well with a difficult situation. Some people are not though. She is probably depressed. I'm just saying there are other factors here. I don't think anyone else should judge until they know what they are. Marriages with special needs children are much more vulnerable to divorce due to the added stress, especially if one partner is doing most of it herself.
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Old 04-25-2012, 10:49 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex with my wife in almost 2 years

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Originally Posted by TeaLeaves4;704525Marriages with special needs children are much more vulnerable to divorce due to the added stress, especially if one partner is doing most of it herself.
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And 98% of the parents I know who have divorced and have special needs kids is because one or both partners has been neglecting the other. No one is saying she isn't depressed, I advised he get her to the gym daily (natural mood lifter) to try and improve her mood and energy. Either way you look at it, sexless marriages will more than likely end or involve third parties.
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Old 04-26-2012, 12:01 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex with my wife in almost 2 years

Damnnnnn, and I thought no sex for 4 months was pretty bad(and we have NO kids)!
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Old 04-26-2012, 02:05 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: No sex with my wife in almost 2 years

People who are motivated to have sex make opportunities to do so, regardless of what else is going on. I find it incredulous that she couldn't find 30 minutes in 2 years. She hasn't watched one TV program in 2 years? Hasn't read one newspaper? It takes more time to do either of those than to take care of her husband. I don't think he's expecting her to run a marathon, or swing from a trapeze. As far as extra help being expensive, setting oneself up for a divorce isn't a great way to save money. It would seem that keeping a husband would be rather important for the financial survival of a stay-at-home mom with a special needs child. If she's depressed, dealing with an affair or a divorce isn't likely to improve her mental health.
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