Not at all. When I confronted him about what I'd found, it was after a couple weeks of being very distant to him and struggling internally with 1.) coming to grips with what I found and 2.) dealing with the guilt I had for snooping. When it all came out, I told him I'd been afraid to talk to him about it because he'd be so mad that I was snooping around his things.
After I was done spilling my soul, I was sobbing pretty bad, asked him if he was mad at me. He said no, not at all, that HE felt bad because, even though I told him that he didn't do anything *wrong*, he felt bad that he had secrets that he kept from me.
He knows I snooped on his phone, and he doesn't hide or clear anything, even now. He also knows which site I can "check up on him" because of his profile -- and he still leaves himself logged in. I would think if it bothered him that bad, he would log himself out, right? (You can still see a lot of the site if you're logged out, just not EVERYthing.)
Ask him for the passwords to all his accounts and see his reaction. If he reacts with transparency and willingness then I don't think there is any issue other than being embarrassed and worried that you would think him a pervert. If he reacts badly, it's time to start really looking around at his activity online.
I found out about WH because he started hiding chat windows every time I'd pass by. That's when I put a keylogger on the computer and my whole world came crashing down in a matter of three days of information...we're reconciling and it's coming up on two years in January.
I have trouble with the concept of "secret" email accounts. What makes it "secret"? I have many email accounts, for various things....
Same here. When I set up an SBS or dedicated Exchange server for a customer, I'll create an email address under their domain for my own use. It's a useful tool in the first few hours of a server rollout to verify functionality and identify DNS and blacklisting issues.
Sometimes I delete them, sometimes I don't and sometimes I just forget. There's probably hundreds of working addresses.
On the flip-side of the coin, my wife has professional boundaries that it would be illegal for me to breach and as an I.T. person, they would absolutely throw the book at me if I did. There's no way I could pretend that I didn't know what I was doing.
We're not trying to be opaque with each other -- that's just the way things are.
Sorry to bring my old thread back, but I wanted to update, and thank everyone who commented here. I'm not sure who it was, but one or more posters said that it seemed that although I *said* I was okay with the porn, it didn't really seem to be that way.
And the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true. Most of what I found I was okay with -- the stories, certain sites, etc. But there were a few sites that I was not okay with at all. And, in fact, he and I had arguments over similar sites back in the beginning of our relationship. He told me he wouldn't go to those types of sites anymore and when I found out through my snooping that he never really stopped going, I was very hurt. I tried to push it away for the last few weeks, but I kept getting more and more upset inside about it.
So, this past weekend it all came to a head and we had lots of heated arguments. I went about it the wrong away on Friday night and basically bombarded him with everything I knew and how terrible I thought he was because of it. He felt attacked, rightfully so, and I ended up leaving to go for a walk to cool down, and he slept on the couch most of the night.
Saturday evening we sat down and discussed it with much more level heads and made promises to each other. I promised him that I would stop stalking him online and snooping through his things, and he promised not to go to the certain sites that were unacceptable to me. I told him in no uncertain terms that if I found out he was going to those sites again, be it two weeks from now or ten years from now, that I would leave him.
Since the conversation, things have been much better between us (let's hear it for good make-up sex, huh?) and I haven't had an urge to snoop anymore, at all. I feel that now that things are up in the air we can move on, and move forward.
I do, however, find myself triggering and getting upset, and worrying about finding these sites years from now. I mean, he promised me he'd stop once... and he didn't. How can I trust that he really will stop this time? I expect that it will just take time, right? It took me a long time to get over it the first time, and I expect it'll take a while for me to forgive and forget the second time, too. We have a whole lot more to lose now than we did 12 years ago.
Anyway this ended up being wordier than I anticipated, but I really do thank who responded before, it really helped put things into perspective for me to help me realize that I did have a right to be upset about certain things, and I have a right to set boundaries and dealbreakers in my relationship. Things are worlds better now, I am just hoping that this is just a small hurdle that I will be able to get over.
I have trouble with the concept of "secret" email accounts. What makes it "secret"? I have many email accounts, for various things - forums I belong to, signing up for random stuff, online shopping email, two personal email accounts, work emails, all kinds for various reasons. They are a convenience for me, so I can keep marketers out of my personal email, among other reasons.
So if I don't disclose all of them to my partner, which he's never asked for anyway, does that mean they are "secret"? Or does that merely mean I haven't mentioned it because I didn't really think to bring it up?
that's me as well. And I haven't told my bf about the e-mail account that gets updates from this message board. I am trying to decide what I need to give up when we move in together.
He knows that I visit relationship message boards, so last week he asked me if I do this due to the problems we have had. I told him "no" because I remind myself that now he is doing everything right and I didn't want to revisit the (ugly) past.
omg... my hubs did the same thing. the secret emails... the whole 9... i decided a long time ago.. you dont need secret email accts to visit porn sites. if you're having secret email accts it is to interact with someone secretly. and why the hell would he need 2?? i have problems with my hubs watching porn.. and he has problems with me masterbating as well. sometimes we have a healthy balance with it.. sometimes not. i go into phases where it really bothers me.. and sometimes when i couldnt care less. still dont know why.
BUT. it bothered me enough to tell him to stop. i put a k9 blocking software on our puter at home (because of porn and social networking... which he's both had issues with)... if he ever asks me to take it off i will.. and i'll pack my stuff and be gone. chronic masterbation is too much for me to handle. every once in a while is ok.. but constantly?? and hiding emails?? no way. its just part of being with me. i'm not forcing him to stay with me. if he wants to be with me.. then he must behave. the end.