Po12345

A year ago my "perfect marriage" spun out of control. Married in 2005, two kids, 4 and 2 years old. Wife said she wasn't happy, then I did some Facebook snooping, found out she was ready to leave me, and that she had gone to see a former boyfriend while visiting her parents 2000 miles away from me. More snooping and I found a personal journal (an online diary) where she said all sorts of horrible things about me, and also talked about this other man constantly, even mentioning "I can't stop thinking about his penis" etc.

She also wrote about not sleeping with him, which was a bit of a relief to me, and also "I don't think I can ever love another man as much as I love (other man)" and "I do not know if I'm depressed because my marriage is really as bad as I think or if it because of him." (Him being the other man). She also mentions how ashamed she feels about her feelings for him, but it went back and forth. She's had the journal for years, but I always respected her privacy, till things really went to shxt for us, I read about 3 months worth and it was awful for me. My wife was extremely pissed off that I read this "private journal", and stated that she posted things there that she was too afraid/ashamed to bring up in person, and that it helped her to get it off her chest. She has a very timid personality, does not like crowds, hates confrontation, etc. I am 99.999% sure she didn't sleep with him when they visited, unfortunately because she rocked my trust, it destroyed our foundation, and I don't know that I can ever be 100% sure. I am trying very hard to rebuild things now.

She met this other man online 12 years ago, went to see him after one month, they slept together, then he disappeared, wouldn't return calls, would not answer her emails, basically screwed her over, quite literally. Then a couple weeks later he finally communicated with her and said he "had met someone else", a girl he later married. The other man is still married, with two kids. When I confronted my wife about visiting him, she said it was "unrequitted love", but then backed off that and said that she "needed closure", yet she goes back and forth, removing him from Facebook, adding him again, and constantly searches him on Google, and other web social spots, like Linked In, etc. She makes sure her computer history is deleted now because she says she has always done that (she hasn't) and says it helps her computer run better.

As far as the two of us, she says she loves me but she doesn't know how she feels beyond that. I am totally in love with her, and I have told her that I am in this marriage to the end, that I will not leave her, because it appeared to me that she was trying to make me the bad guy, to blame me for all the woes of our marriage. I am not perfect, I am dealing with issues I brought back from Iraq, some PTSD and anger issues, never hit her, but my immature anger responses combined with her personality made her feel very belittled and unappreciated. I have worked VERY hard to fix that and show her how much I care.

I am trying very hard to be patient in all of this. I never cared if she was friends with an ex boyfriend until she went to visit him, that crossed the line, especially combined with her hiding it from me, all while deciding that she was going to leave me. Now it eats at me, I try to avoid looking at her phone and internet history because I want to trust her, but when I have moments of weakness I find that she's still constantly looking at anything related to him online. Near as I can tell, other than a comment here and there from him on Facebook (maybe once every week or two weeks, public comments), the other man doesn't really stay in any contact with her. I know she's removed him from her Facebook from time to time but she always seems to come back to friending him again. I try and talk to her about it but she always has excuses about "Oh he's only a friend" or "I would feel bad if I blocked him" etc.

I really want her to get over him, I don't feel like her contact with him is okay given the feelings she has for him, she tries to deny that she's still in love with him, but her behavior seems to show differently. I believe her feelings for him are hindering out ability to have a complete and meaningful marriage, and I am wondering what I should do at this point, what is acceptable, or how long I should wait?

Was I wrong for reading the journal? Am I ignorant for trying hard to avoid her phone/computer history at this point? I never attempt to read her journal now because I look at it like a Pandora's Box and nothing in it would likely help my situation. I feel like a sap and that I've been reduced to something less than a man by all of this, that standing up for myself will result in nothing more than losing my wife and kids.

Am I out of line for feeling betrayed by her personal feelings for this other man, even if the other man does not reciprocate the feelings?

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that_girl

She's delusional.

You are NOT out of line. She is having an emotional affair and cheating on you. And she's completely in 'the fog' of the affair.

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Po12345

I wanted to add this in: There is a really big reason why I want to be very patient with her.

I wasn't the best boyfriend when we first got together, I held onto my previous girlfriend, talked to her on the phone late at night after my wife (girlfriend at the time) and I had movied in together, even told my ex I still loved her, I was trying to keep two women happy at one time, a huge mistake. It was an EA, and it was really poor judgement on my fault. My gf (now wife) put a keylogger on the computer and confronted me about the issues, and I cut off all communication with my ex gf, committed myself to my current relationship, and did everything I could to make it up to her. We got married about a year later.

The only contact I've had with my ex was one facebook message that I told my wife I was sending, because a mutual friend had died of ovarian cancer at 31 years old and I was expressing my condolensces.

So I'm willing to be extraordinarily patient as I was not the best boyfriend early on. I just don't know how patient I can be. One thing I never did was visit my ex gf, nor do I have any desire to, or to even contact her.

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that_girl

No. You were DATING her when you had issues with your ex.

She is YOUR WIFE and she thinks of another man's penis. WAKE UP.

Divorce her and let her have this other man who is 1.married and 2. doesn't give a rats ass about her. He slept with her and avoided her and she pines over him. Wow. She has issues.

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AFEH

You’ve been abused and betrayed for many years and you are still living with and giving love and comfort to the woman who abused you and who betrayed you.

Painful that. Very painful and deeply wounding.

But she hasn't as yet hurt you enough such that you end your marriage.

Dollystanford

how long are you going to beat yourself up about something that you clearly feel bad about and actually did something to change? You said yourself that you cut off communication with this ex and did everything to commit to the marriage - and yet you're using this as a stick to beat yourself with and a reason for putting up with this sh*t

no my friend, she's a lying, deceitful cheater and this isn't going to get better whilst she's talking about it being 'unrequited love', believe me

what happens if he snaps his fingers - she'll go running right? Are you really going to wait around for that to happen? Find someone that loves and respects YOU, not some other dude
x

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Learn how to talk proper, know what I mean?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dollystanford I don't sweat....I glisten

Po12345

Ending my marriage is not something I want to do, at least not right now, I love my children too much and I am happy a lot of the time. The crappy part of all of this is something I can't even explain to her: She's pining over someone that doesn't even exist. She's thinking of this guy she met 12 years ago, and this dream of what he's like, and he's NOT that guy.

He's apparently having major issues in his own marriage now (wow, big surprise), which is likely what's got me more concerned recently. She's really not a horrible person, but she seems to believe that it's okay to carry on feelings about someone as long as she keeps it to herself. I know though that when you split your heart between two people you can never fully love one or the other, I personally know that from what I did when we first got together.

I just don't know how to talk to her about this, it's like I can read threads by other people on here and provide advice but maybe I'm just too close to the fire on this to think straight

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LadyFrogFlyAway

Your bad actions do not excuse hers.

that_girl is right. EA. "Secret crush" makes it sound innocent. I am amazed at how tolerant and calm you are. Lying, cheating, betrayal, wow.

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Pick a tiki....ANY tiki!!

ITW...Keeper Of The Flame.

CharlieParker...who is he, really?

Po12345

She doesn't recognize what she did/is doing as an EA. Maybe what I need to do is find some sort of productive way to communicate this without it turning into a huge blow up where she threatens to leave me... she continues to insist that she didn't do anything wrong, other than stating she shouldn't have hid it from me, but even then she makes excuses "You would have been so pissed off" to which I finally said "You say I would have been angry, but let me ask you: What man or woman for that matter, would have been okay with this?" and that sort of tripped her up a bit.

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Dollystanford

I just fear for you - you say he's having troubles in his marriage

be honest with yourself, what do you think is going to happen next?

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Learn how to talk proper, know what I mean?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dollystanford I don't sweat....I glisten

livelaughlovenow

I think you need to be very upfront with her that she needs to get her closure with him, and move in with her life with you, and cut off all contact, and that said closure needs to be transparent, you need to know what it is, this "patience" is going to eat you alive from the inside out. You are not wrong, yes maybe she had some issues from the beginning of your relationship and maybe there is more an what you see, also I think that it is foolish to think he has not communicated back,people get the hint very quickly if another party is not interested and will not continue to pursue, in some way shape or form, he has left an open invitation to her contacting him. You need to be very cler about the boundaries you want and the expectations of what you want in your marriage. I also understand the looking at the computer once you find your spouse hiding something it is hard to not look, and you have every right and reason to.
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canttrustu

The word 'Secret' is very dangerous. It allows them to have a fantasy relationship and leave you on the outside. Anything that goes on between them that is 'secret' especially, is very dangerous. If Your spouse is keeping secrets, this is a HUGE RED FLAG.

canttrustu

"am I out of line for feeling betrayed by her personal feelings?"
WTF??? Her PERSONAL feelings are that she LOVES another man!
Are you serious? You have to take the bull by the horns here and do it yesterday.

Po12345

This is exactly what I have the most fear about, but she repeatedly tells me that she can't and never would be with him because of what he did previously... But she still stays in contact with him which has to be incredibly conflicting, I KNOW THIS, I have been there.

I can't make her stop talking to him, I can only express my displeasure with it, she has attempted to break away from being his friend several times, then she goes back again, I REALLY dislike Facebook. It seems to be the cause of so many problems for people, our relationship is no exception.

A counselor is the person who recommended I just say to her that "You can be friends with whoever you want, but I really don't like that you are friends with him", that way it puts the ball in her court, and she won't have that "secret" appeal.

It has worked to some extent, she is a lot more open to talking to me about him, and what is going on with him, apparently he's out screwing around on his wife with at least one younger girl, perhaps another. That's actually been a good thing for me because she sees him in a more correct light as the person he really is.

There is one point I really want to stress here, the really innappropriate stuff that I have seen was all from her journal, not anything she ever said to him, and no one ever saw her journal except for me briefly. She tells me repeatedly (and also in the journal) that she would never ever cheat on me, but her inability to see that she was in an EA is the big hurdle that I see, in terms of us getting back to a productive marriage and moving forward. She needs to somehow realize she is not the victim in all of this.

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Po12345

I meant secret as in, even he doesn't know about it. She keeps this completely to herself. I know about it because of the journal. She has him as a friend openly on Facebook, and they don't discuss anything in private messages, he just posts up a comment once a week or so on her page. I'm not sure he even knows he is stringing her along.

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