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Old 04-29-2012, 01:25 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Afraid of Outcome...

Well, I have an issue that I don;t know how to figure out before I comepletly destroy my marriage. I have been with my husband 13 years- 4 of it married. He has been complaing for years of my lack of desire. Background- when I was 26, it was hanging from the chandeliers, wild, kinky and dirty sex! Now that I'm 40, I'm just not into it like I used to be......It's causing a problem. 5 years ago, I had a boob job. The first thing I noticed was loss of feeling in my nipples. Touching them became very irritating and my husband eventually stopped. 3 years ago, I had a medical procedure and then my tubes tied. It has gone dramatically downhill since. My husband has recently told me, that even if I did all the things he suggested to getting in the mood, at this point, he's not into it anymore.... it makes me very sad to think that my husband is no longer sexually excited by me like he used to be. I keep hoping things will change, and have been trying to be more affectionate and tell him it's going to be okay- it's very uncomfortable. I don't kiss him very often, because he does not brush his teeth- it didn't used to bother me. I think I have been pre menopausal for a few years. I need to know how to work on my issues with lack of emotional support from him to do my part in our marriage. I am not one for long conversations about the same old tired issues, but he is. Our communication on almost everything is awkward. I hate seeing him so sad, but he feels it will never change into anything good again- don't know what to do.
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Old 04-29-2012, 01:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Afraid of Outcome...

Sounds like you guys need someone else to step in and help you. Marriage counseling sounds like a useful thing at this point.

Try reading "His Needs Her Needs" and "The Five Love Languages", too. Both are good books that might allow you guys to find a vocabulary through which you can reach each other. Also, look on the Marriage Builders website and see if that offers you some helpful material. I thought it was a very useful site.
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Old 04-29-2012, 01:48 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Afraid of Outcome...

I have suggested counseling, but he says we don't have the money. He wants me to be the initiator when this whole time I have been the submissive. He wants me to change it, but says that things will never get better. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think he really wants to end it although he tells me he dosen't want to lose me. Not only am I sad, I am very confused.
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Old 04-29-2012, 02:50 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Afraid of Outcome...

I don't understand how he could say he doesn't want to lose you, but it will never get better. If your marriage means that much to him, you guys can find a way to afford the counseling. Give him an ultimatum- he can give you 100% to try to turn things around or you should divorce and give each other a shot at happiness. It sounds like you are trying hard to please him and you deserve the same effort in return.
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Old 04-29-2012, 03:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Afraid of Outcome...

My wife has desire issues, and she finds that preparing herself in advance for about 30 minutes before sex helps (and it does help a lot). She has to clear her mind of any day-to-day thoughts and focus on keeping her mind on me.

If you can't afford counselling then yes, get some help from books like the ones suggested earlier. Your situation will not improve w/o more and better communication (books can really help if you go through them together).

My wife and I did what I call "write ups". We each spelled out in painful detail all the things we felt were wrong with our ~15 year marriage separately. We then go together and listened to the other's list while not being defensive, but rather trying to sympathize with how the other is feeling.

We did work out a lot of issues with our write ups.
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