Bodhitree

I'm trying this forum again because I seem to get great feedback. As you may (or may not remember) spouse and I are trying to recover from EA 7 months ago. MC going well, feeling closer etc. However in the back of my mind some of her story about OM is gnawing at me. I strongly feel she isn't giving me the entire story on a couple of particular items. I have asked her repeatedly about it but continue to get same answer. Rather than tell you the situation and have you give whether you believe her or not, I am asking this: things are progressing. She is not going to tell me anything different than in the past despite my disbelief on two items. How relevant is it at this point to keep ruminating about whether I'm getting the truth or not. I am convinced I am not, but all she is going to do is tell me same thing which [I]could[I] be true but is really hard to believe. Is it time for me to let it go being its been 7 months ago. I get answers like well if you can't believe her stop the relationship- okay fine- but what if she is telling me everything? Any advice on how to proceed is appreciated. It's gnawing at me almost non stop - but again, maybe she has told me everything as unbelievable as it may seem to me. Here is the catch though: my history with her has always been "if we can get over this one problem we will be happy". Of course it's always something she needs to do and never happens in my eyes. So part two of my question is this: I know something took place with OM. She told me details of encounters etc. that I would NOT know if she hadn't told me. I believe there are additional unsaid things despite my questions. We seem to be doing fairly well. Any advice on this? Let go of it as it was 7 months ago? Pursue it- but how and to what end? Will it only make things worse? Helpful input appreciated.

turnera

Tell her you need her to take a polygraph or you just can't continue as is.

tacoma

If you can let it go then let it go.

If you can't then the polygraph is probably the only thing that would convince you she's truthful.

We do tend to give "truth detection" far more credit that it deserves though.
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Bodhitree

I think I'm looking for permission (from myself) to let it go. Am I a fool if I let it go? I feel in some weird way if she's still lying that she "got away" with her affair with no consequences. That is the real source of my not wanting to let it go. Does that make any sense.

AFEH

You never forget these things. Once in your memory they stay there forever, it’s how our memory works, it’s what its designed to do. It does what it says on the packet.

So lets say you now convince yourself to put it behind you. Eventually it’ll go into your long term memory simply because you’re not ruminating over it every singly day of your life. Our long term memory is like a dusty folder on a dusty shelf in a cupboard. It’s dusty because it’s unused.

Now say your wife betrays you yet again in the future. Part of the recovery (if it’s possible) from her new betrayal will be that you’ll go into that dusty old cupboard and look in the dusty files on the dusty shelves!

Another term for not resolving issues and conflicts at hand is “Stuffing it under the carpet”.

I reckon you must fully resolve the issues you have at hand now, otherwise they’ll raise their head down stream. Don’t bury things, that’s like ignoring a cancer that just grows and becomes 100 times worse.

Bodhitree

All points well taken. However you say "stuffing under the carpet". I have brought them up many times which indicates not stuffing under the carpet on my part- and she says she is telling me the truth. So am I at the point of either believing it - or not once and for all so to speak? Lie detector ain't gonna happen- counselor won't have any of that in our situation.

Dollystanford

what's your gut instinct? it's probably right, mine was

__________________
Learn how to talk proper, know what I mean?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dollystanford I don't sweat....I glisten

tacoma

It makes perfect sense.

You seem to be at a point where you either have to push yourself to accept what you know as the final truth or shake the foundations of the R you`ve built so far in order to have the leverage to go after the "truth" which may or may not even exist and it may or may not be possible to gain that "truth" by undermining your relationship.

Going after more truth is a serious risk to what you`ve accomplished so far with little likelihood of satisfactory closure.

To my mind your best bet is to accept what you have as "good enough" and keep building on your R.

I`m not in your position though so I don`t really know how possible that is for you.
Only you can say.

AFEH

But if you don’t resolve it to your satisfaction but move on regardless, that will be stuffing it under the carpet. It’s difficult to offer any more advice without knowing the actual details.


I think the really big thing is that you’ve been betrayed and you feel she’s got away with it. That may be to do with a specific issue or the whole package.

Betrayal is a nasty business. Your wife has betrayed you and should come clean. She should accept responsibility for her failure and apologise in ways you feel she means it.

Bodhitree

Letting go isn't stuffing it- letting go of it is releasing it from under the carpet if you will. Agreed betrayal is nasty business. She has apologized to me multiple times telling me " I want to be with you if you will still have me". I really think she means it because her actions over the past months especially show it- she left good paying job where OM was, gone to a lot of MC, says she loves me often, doesn't get mad at me when I need to talk like she used to - and on and on. This is part of my dilemma. All this she is doing and I'm focused on some items that I feel she may not have fully disclosed. This is my dilemma right now.

Verushkita

bodhitree - i'm almost in the same boat as you. it's hard. i don't have any true advise for you because i'm very conflicted too. my husband was starting an EA, he said nothing PA, but he came home the next day which he does every now and then. he swears nothing happened, that he told me everything. he only told me because i had gathered some information, texts mainly. we too are in marriage counseling, and i'm trying to so hard to repair our marriage. down the line, we had become emotionally disconnected and distant, but co-existing for the sakes of our new baby.

i can't shake my suspicions sometimes, for the most part, we are both trying and doing a good job becoming closer - intimately and emotionally but there are times, when i start to question everything.

it's not healthy, but i don't know how to stop?

Bodhitree

Tacoma: an absolutely perfect analysis of where I am right now. I want the agonizing over this to stop and quite frankly ready to move on. Your post helps a lot. I still think I have a history of sabotaging (just like her) our happiness. We are learning in MC a lot about our dynamics surrounding how we each have trouble "just being happy" with each other.

tacoma

One more thing to think about and please do try to falsify this in your mind in order to determine whether you`re sincerely guilty of it or not.

When I`ve been betrayed or manipulated by a woman in the past I`ve often become "hyper-paranoid".

The mantra around here is "Trust your gut" but I`m telling you once your whole world and security has been upended by the one you trusted implicitly the time to "trust your gut" is over.
Your gut is in far too much pain and turmoil to be picking up on reality alone.
This is the time to attempt to be as objectively mentally rational as possible, yes I know it sounds impossible but must be attempted.

Your intuition is leaning towards a bias of mistrust and everything can seem like a potential lie when you really do already have the whole truth.

Don`t let possible paranoia throw you.

I`m not saying your feeling of still being lied to is wrong.
I`m just saying you are very susceptible to believing everything`s a lie.

Take some time and chew on your feelings and compare them to reality as objectively as you can.
You don`t have to figure this whole damn thing out right here and now.

Work it around your head, analyze her actions, and keep up with your R.

You may find that these feelings of mistrust over this one specific point aren`t really important in a month or so.
You may also find you can`t go on without "knowing" and those feelings are everything.

Point is, there`s no rush right now.
Take some time.

turnera

You can weigh knowing for sure against her ACTIONS post-DD. Is she everything you want in a wife? Is she making life good for you? Then let it go and move on.

If she acts selfishly or petutantly, don't let go.

Bodhitree

Tacoma: Once again an excellent post. I think your point about "mistrust bias" is well taken. You are right- everything about the affair is questionable in my mind- even things she has told me that match up with phone records, texts etc. with OM. I've made a point recently to watch her and she really is coming around to me - deep hugs, kisses when home from work, talking about things she wouldn't talk about before, going to MC , opening up a little more. Its hard because I think she is changing and I'm still in suspicious mode like you say. My big question focuses on whether she had plans to spend the night with OM last fall. I know it didn't happen because that is when I proved via phone records that something was amiss. So , I'm saying I KNOW she was going to meet him and she is saying NO she wasn't. Is it irrelevant because it didn't happen anyway? She ended up coming home that night but I'm convinced she had plan to spend night with him. Anyway thoughts welcome.