Re: Wife wants me to cut contact with a female friend. Women's opinions?
I was going to say the same thing. Your inability to just say goodbye means you are emotionally attached to her and you WANT to be able to contact her again.
How would you feel if your wife told you that about HER old boyfriend?
Re: Wife wants me to cut contact with a female friend. Women's opinions?
WTHeck is so hard about just sayin "Sorry we can not be friends any longer, its just not appropriate"... end of story, no explaining, no rationalizing, no anything...you owe her nothing, you owe your marriage everything.
Re: Wife wants me to cut contact with a female friend. Women's opinions?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
You said “she purposely mentioned the ring and likely was giving other signs during dinner of her interest”
Yet you still cannot tell her she the friendship for over for good because she insulted the woman you love? Really? That makes sense to you?
I think you have a stronger emotional attachment to this friend and should let your wife go. You obviously value an immoral, jealous, devious woman above a woman who committed to you.
Do you get a charge out of her wanting you? Do you enjoy having two women fighting over you? You like keeping you wife in a state of anxiety to make you feel that you are so attractive that treating her badly does not make her leave?
Let me give you a tip. You have more problems in your relationship than you are aware of. The behavior you revealed here - is it a pattern in your relationship?. Do think it is OK to dismiss your wife’s apparently legitimate concerns?
If that is so, you are the type of man that will likely have a walk away wife. It will seem sudden to you but she will reach a point of no return after giving you a chance to change your dismissive treatment of her.
They try to get their husband to change to address their concerns for a time and then reach a tipping point. If he does not see her concerns as important and ignores them, she gives up. When she leaves it is over for good.
These are incredibly wise and insightful words!!
I myself am on my third go-round of the H insisting on caring for an ex-GF either excluding me or inconveniencing me or embarrassing me to go see them. He calls them "old friends." No, they're not. And three times = enough, I will indeed walk out next time.
I am learning a lot from this thread about my own situation. I am seeing that I have to insist that my H not just "blow off a lunch date" because I was so pissed. He also has to tell the ex GF why it was inappropriate for him to be there, and he has to do that without just blaming me. "Da Wife didn't want me to go." Bull. How about, "I realized it's out of line for you and me to meet for lunch without inviting DW. After all, I'm married now, and that's the most important thing you need to know, so don't even ask." He hasn't done that yet which means he is more afraid of alienating them than me.
It's just wrong and stupid and inappropriate, and most grown-ups eventually figure it out. Sadly, it's too often AFTER the spouse has reached "the tipping point" and walked out. Optionally after doing some physical damage to something you value.
Now i see how I have been putting up with a flimsy outcome--he just "blows off" the arrangement that made me angry. Now I see I have to insist he take it a step further and say WHY, and cut the other person off for good.
Quester I think you have given him too many chances and he does not think you will leave. I am not saying you should leave but back off completely.
Don't say anymore about it no matter what he does. He knows where you stand and he knows what your reaction will be. He is not concerned but he has fun pushing your button.
Why provide him with a show? Change up what you are doing is not working. Stay out of that rat hole.
You meet his needs right? Why? If he can keep you off balance give him a taste of his own medicine. ignoring him and cooling off towards him will get his attention.
there are some needs that you should withdraw. Tell him you are cannot meet his needs for now because you are considering what you want to do.
If you are not going places without him, start. Just meet gf for dinner go to a club. Have drinks with friends. Go some place after work if you are employed. Get yourself in shape like you are going to date again. Wear makeup hair etc. If he complains just repeat you are thinking give you space.
You have to get yourself in a mental state to let him go. If you do not want to live in a state of anxiety then you must be willing to leave. If he cares enough he will change. If he does not care you may as well get out.
Re: Wife wants me to cut contact with a female friend. Women's opinions?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
You said “she purposely mentioned the ring and likely was giving other signs during dinner of her interest”
Yet you still cannot tell her she the friendship for over for good because she insulted the woman you love? Really? That makes sense to you?
I think you have a stronger emotional attachment to this friend and should let your wife go. You obviously value an immoral, jealous, devious woman above a woman who committed to you.
Do you get a charge out of her wanting you? Do you enjoy having two women fighting over you? You like keeping you wife in a state of anxiety to make you feel that you are so attractive that treating her badly does not make her leave?
Let me give you a tip. You have more problems in your relationship than you are aware of. The behavior you revealed here - is it a pattern in your relationship?. Do think it is OK to dismiss your wife’s apparently legitimate concerns?
If that is so, you are the type of man that will likely have a walk away wife. It will seem sudden to you but she will reach a point of no return after giving you a chance to change your dismissive treatment of her.
They try to get their husband to change to address their concerns for a time and then reach a tipping point. If he does not see her concerns as important and ignores them, she gives up. When she leaves it is over for good.
This makes me feel terrible reading this.
She asked me to skype with her late at night after the initial time i blew her off and asked if i was alone she than asked again on Saturday via text saying "i miss your voice" this was after my last post. (i told my wife about this)
Today i sent her an email and told her that is inappropriate she texted me asking me what gives.
I called her today with my wife present and i told her that we cant be friends anymore and that her comments and actions are out of line i told her i wish her luck and a good life and she said fine and hung up.
Re: Wife wants me to cut contact with a female friend. Women's opinions?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Goldmember357
This makes me feel terrible reading this.
She asked me to skype with her late at night after the initial time i blew her off and asked if i was alone she than asked again on Saturday via text saying "i miss your voice" this was after my last post. (i told my wife about this)
Today i sent her an email and told her that is inappropriate she texted me asking me what gives.
I called her today with my wife present and i told her that we cant be friends anymore and that her comments and actions are out of line i told her i wish her luck and a good life and she said fine and hung up.
This is how TAM is supposed to work. You come here for advice, you get the truth and you make changes for the betterment of your marriage. Good for you for ending things with her.
Re: Wife wants me to cut contact with a female friend. Women's opinions?
Quote:
Originally Posted by goldmember357
i called her today with my wife present and i told her that we cant be friends anymore and that her comments and actions are out of line i told her i wish her luck and a good life and she said fine and hung up.
thank god.
Now start channeling your true self into your marriage and share everything with your wife.
Re: Wife wants me to cut contact with a female friend. Women's opinions?
Wow.. a guy who actually listens to reason and makes the right choice.
My husband, on the other hand, has been having what I consider to be EA's with other women for years. One particular woman, who he has admitted he was in love with for the past 20 yrs (she never wanted to date him though) he sees, texts, meets and "helps" behind my back. He has discussed our marriage problems with her too.
I told him a few mths ago he had to cut all contact with her. He did, then a few weeks ago I found out he is back in contact with her. His excuse is she was going through a personal crisis and "needed" him. She is married by the way. He loves to rescue her and "be there for her".
He has absolutely no idea what a marriage is. He told me he is not willing to give up "friends" he has known for a lot longer than me. He told me I am asking him to be only loyal to me. I am trying to make him give up his "friends", trying to control him, etc.
I stand firm that if she is in his life in any way I am NOT. Goodbye... Hope she keeps him warm at night and is there for him like I have been for 12 years.
Please don't feel bad. I was trying to get you to see how it may appear to your wife. You could not seem to see things from what may have been her perspective. What I wrote does not describe what you meant to have her feel.
I put myself in her place and tried to imagine how I would feel if my husband wanted to maintain a friendship with a woman who was my enemy. Any woman who try's to get a man to cheat is an enemy if he loves his wife.
I think you have to take a fresh look at your relationship and how you let your wife know her value to you. I am not sure that she feels important to you right now. It took you a long time to fix this thing with this friend. It took her obvious persistent attempts to have an affair for you to finally see the light.
So this is not the end of the thing. Women don't forget. If you want to sustain a good relationship with your wife, you are going to have to make changes. I think you owe her an apology.
This drama could have been avoided if you were not so focused on your right to have a friend. Maybe focus on how your action affect your relationship and make reasonable changes.
Consider anything that distances you two as a big problem that needs attention. Making changes in yourself to suit your wife is not a capitulation to her control if they are simple request that are easy to honer and yield a big payoff in making your wife feel loved and important to you.
Re: Wife wants me to cut contact with a female friend. Women's opinions?
Moving forward...
Read His Needs Her Needs together
Start spending 15 hours a week together on bonding time
Print out the Love Buster questionnaire from marriagebuilders (avoid their toxic forum - you will get creamed), both of you fill it out and then share, so you each know how you LB (harm) your partner; spend the next 2-3 months eliminating those bad habits
After 2-3 months, print out their Emotional Needs questionnaire and do the same; change how you are meeting each other's ENs
Set aside one HOUR each week to discuss the status of your relationship; the rest of the week, HAVE FUN and ENJOY each other. Build up the feel-good chemicals all over again.
One thing that has not been mentioned and is extremely important - how well do you feel your wife meets your needs?
Can you think of why you may have wanted to hang onto to the friendship dispute her discomfort? Miight it have been your way of telling her that there is something missing.
Of course don't use this as an excuse if there are areas that need attention. If you were aware that your needs were unmet, there are healthy ways to deal with it.
Look especially at what this friendship did for you and how it may relate to what may be missing from your relationship.
Make sure to use this unfortunate episode to examine you satisfaction and your wife. This could really be a boon to your relationship.
Re: Wife wants me to cut contact with a female friend. Women's opinions?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
One thing that has not been mentioned and is extremely important - how well do you feel your wife meets your needs?
Can you think of why you may have wanted to hang onto to the friendship dispute her discomfort? Miight it have been your way of telling her that there is something missing.
Of course don't use this as an excuse if there are areas that need attention. If you were aware that your needs were unmet, there are healthy ways to deal with it.
Look especially at what this friendship did for you and how it may relate to what may be missing from your relationship.
Make sure to use this unfortunate episode to examine you satisfaction and your wife. This could really be a boon to your relationship.
Your first paragraph is the first thing I thought when I read this thread. Your second paragraph is why I didn't post my thoughts. Reading this site the last few months I'm beginning to think that there really are no healthy ways to deal with it. Your spouse either meets your needs or not. And you either choose to live with it or don't. But there seems to be no fixing it. Can't think of any success stories I've heard on here where that's happened.
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Re: Wife wants me to cut contact with a female friend. Women's opinions? 
These are incredibly wise and insightful words!!
