What comes to mind for me is that this is somewhat similar to asking your husband 'Does my butt look big in these jeans?' It might be putting him on the spot to either lie if he thinks it does but does not want to hurt you or tell the truth even if he knows it will hurt you.
It sounds as though the frequency is there in your sex life. Do you spice things up? Leave the lights on? He may just be spicing things up in his mind by thinking of 'taboo' scenarios, which I don't think equates to him not being turned on by you, especially since he is describing scenarios not specific women. Have you considered doing some dress up to spice things up and explore his fantasy as a couple in a way you are both comfortable with...maybe sexy school girl outfit?
our sex life is not really vanilla but not wild either,he kind of likes our "routine that works" as he puts it..
When role play has come up in our talks, he says that kind of thing is silly and he would not be into it...
and apparently his fantasies don't involve me....
He told me when I asked that I am not one of the women, or the young girl in his scenerios.
He spends a good amount of time with his eyes closed during sex...which never bothered me till now...
now every time he closes his eyes I am going to wonder what or who he is thinking about...
Female here - I think you are allowed to feel hurt, but not allowed to make him feel bad for his feelings. It's kind of a lose/lose here. You're being a little overly sensitive and he probably should have kept his trap shut. Ignorance is sometimes bliss.
I have thought about other people when having sex with my husband. Sometimes even my ex boyfriend!! Does it mean I really want to be with him - no. But sometimes you need a little something different or exciting. It does NOT mean your husband is going to act on these fantasies, and to be quite honest, if he can't tell you this kind of thing, who can he tell?
our sex life is not really vanilla but not wild either,he kind of likes our "routine that works" as he puts it..
When role play has come up in our talks, he says that kind of thing is silly and he would not be into it...
and apparently his fantasies don't involve me....
He told me when I asked that I am not one of the women, or the young girl in his scenerios.
He spends a good amount of time with his eyes closed during sex...which never bothered me till now...
now every time he closes his eyes I am going to wonder what or who he is thinking about...
Ask him. When he closes his eyes ask him who he is thinking about. It will ruin the moment, but isn't that what he's doing when he closes his eyes and thinks of things of unmentionable. Why should he be allowed to get off while you're now left wondering if its you in there. Posted via Mobile Device
Ask him. When he closes his eyes ask him who he is thinking about. It will ruin the moment, but isn't that what he's doing when he closes his eyes and thinks of things of unmentionable. Why should he be allowed to get off while you're now left wondering if its you in there. Posted via Mobile Device
Yeah. That's really gonna help the relationship.
That's like telling a guy he can't look at porn. People need outlets. Have you guys ever kept a secret from your husband that could hurt him? Same thing here IMO.
Yeah. That's really gonna help the relationship.
That's like telling a guy he can't look at porn. People need outlets. Have you guys ever kept a secret from your husband that could hurt him? Same thing here IMO.
Telling my SO I think about other people during sex is not an appropriate outlet. And no I don't keep secrets from my H. Posted via Mobile Device
Female here - I think you are allowed to feel hurt, but not allowed to make him feel bad for his feelings. It's kind of a lose/lose here. You're being a little overly sensitive and he probably should have kept his trap shut. Ignorance is sometimes bliss.
I have thought about other people when having sex with my husband. Sometimes even my ex boyfriend!! Does it mean I really want to be with him - no. But sometimes you need a little something different or exciting. It does NOT mean your husband is going to act on these fantasies, and to be quite honest, if he can't tell you this kind of thing, who can he tell?
Not his wife that's for sure. This kind of thing out in the open makes the SO insecure about themselves. Posted via Mobile Device
Female here - I think you are allowed to feel hurt, but not allowed to make him feel bad for his feelings. It's kind of a lose/lose here. You're being a little overly sensitive and he probably should have kept his trap shut. Ignorance is sometimes bliss.
I have thought about other people when having sex with my husband. Sometimes even my ex boyfriend!! Does it mean I really want to be with him - no. But sometimes you need a little something different or exciting. It does NOT mean your husband is going to act on these fantasies, and to be quite honest, if he can't tell you this kind of thing, who can he tell?
cherie, so have you told your husband you were thinking about your ex while you were having sex with him??
and if so how did he react???
Ask him. When he closes his eyes ask him who he is thinking about. It will ruin the moment, but isn't that what he's doing when he closes his eyes and thinks of things of unmentionable. Why should he be allowed to get off while you're now left wondering if its you in there. Posted via Mobile Device
Horrible advice.
All you're going to do is destroy your sex life with such crazy antics.
People fantasize about others during sex.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cindy1968
cherie, so have you told your husband you were thinking about your ex while you were having sex with him??
and if so how did he react???
It would be hurtful and pointless to share these private fantasies with a sex partner and serve no purpose.
Not his wife that's for sure. This kind of thing out in the open makes the SO insecure about themselves. Posted via Mobile Device
I don't think that he should have said it. I'm not saying that. But he has these feelings and did try to share, doubtfully trying to hurt her. That is all I am saying.
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedwithconflict
Telling my SO I think about other people during sex is not an appropriate outlet. And no I don't keep secrets from my H. Posted via Mobile Device
I said I agree it would hurt to hear...I don't think you got my point. TELLING her wasn't his outlet, but thinking of it was, and I think his overshare has now hurt him b/c of how it made her feel. I was just saying cut the guy some slack, we all have our imperfections. This is the real world, not a fairy tale. Not everyone thinks of their SO every time they have sex.
cherie, so have you told your husband you were thinking about your ex while you were having sex with him??
and if so how did he react???
No, because that would be pointless and stupid, and yes, probably hurtful. I think it was a bad call for him to tell you, but I'm merely saying these things happen. I am pretty sure my husband doesn't only think of me during sex. I'm not hurt by it but I prefer not to know WHO he is thinking of. The pain is the details.
I understand why you are hurt. I think of only my wife, and would be hurt of she thinks of others.
While you probably need to address this, please take care in doing so. Your husband was honest with you. Yes, it hurt, but he did not lie to you. That has value and indicates a certain strength in your marriage. If you react to harshly, he will hesitate in being honest when truth might hurt you. That is a bad things, so be careful how you raise this with hi,
I understand why you are hurt. I think of only my wife, and would be hurt of she thinks of others.
Really? You have never once fantisized about someone else?
I just find that hard to believe about anyone. (Not just you, but anyone, male or female, that they only think about one person EVER during sex).
I think of my husband 99% of the time, but I can't say there are not days when my mind might wander to someone else albeit briefly.
My wife told me she fanatasies during sex too. I don't (except about her) and I was hurt too. However, according to something I saw either on Dr Phil or Dr Oz (take these sources for what they are) it is natural for both sexes to fantasize.
I don't buy it. I guess I'm just more into her than she is into me. Would explain alot about our love life!
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Re: husbands confession, would this upset you?? 
