A few weeks during a conversation about our sex life, (which has always been pretty good, 2-3 times a week) My husband told me that he often fantasizes that he is having sex with other women while we make love....He said it is not specific people we know, but about things things like him having a threesome with two women he just met, or that he is an older man having sex with a young college age girl.
I was very hurt by this, but he says I have no reason to be...that they are just fantasies he likes to use to "get off" when we have sex..
I only think about him when we are making love...
am I wrong in feeling hurt ?
Am I being to sensitive as he says ?
Unless you want him to shut up about every fantasy that he ever has had or will have, then yes, you're being too sensitive.
Just my opinion, as a guy... But judging anyone's fantasies as wrong or icky is a good way to shut down communication. They're fantasies, he's not asking you to bring someone else in your bedroom or do something you're uncomfortable with, so let it go.
Female here, Cindy, and yeah, you are being a bit too sensitive. All men do this. No, he shouldn't have told you, but try not to dwell on it. It's very normal.
I might be weird here, and I'm not a man so I don't have that perspective but-
I'd totally be hurt too. Sex for me is intensely sharing with a driven focus on how I can make my husband feel like fireworks. I have nothing else on my mind when we are getting down except how we can make this experience better. Even when it's not optimal conditions, I don't wander in my focus.
I kinda expect the same focus from my husband on me. I want him taking in all of ME, not all of the mind movies in his head and I'd be pissed off if he checked out like that. To me that would immediately signify he checked out on passion and is using my warm holes just for masturbation purposes. Tell me what I can do to make this truely me and you, whatever making this me and you entails. If you can't be bothered with the chore of making sex bonding between us, go and jerk off in the other room with whatever porn you choose.
This isn't advice at all, and I might be too sensitive too, but I know where you are coming from.
It would upset me, too. I expect him to have fantasies when he's "enjoying" his alone time, but when he's with me I would hope that he's with me in body AND mind.
And if he's not, he should keep it to himself. I don't see what good he expected to come out of telling you that.
I might be weird here, and I'm not a man so I don't have that perspective but-
I'd totally be hurt too. Sex for me is intensely sharing with a driven focus on how I can make my husband feel like fireworks. I have nothing else on my mind when we are getting down except how we can make this experience better. Even when it's not optimal conditions, I don't wander in my focus.
I kinda expect the same focus from my husband on me. I want him taking in all of ME, not all of the mind movies in his head and I'd be pissed off if he checked out like that. To me that would immediately signify he checked out on passion and is using my warm holes just for masturbation purposes. Tell me what I can do to make this truely me and you, whatever making this me and you entails. If you can't be bothered with the chore of making sex bonding between us, go and jerk off in the other room with whatever porn you choose.
This isn't advice at all, and I might be too sensitive too, but I know where you are coming from.
Complety agree with you. Its disrespectful that he even told you this. I would be extremely bothered by the comment. If my H ever told me this I'd tell him that's fine he can imagine his hand are the other women! It would hurt me to know I wasn't enough for my husband to get off just being with me, and he likes to fantasize about other women WHILE we were doing it. Posted via Mobile Device
I guess that means my DH is lying when he says he only thinks of me during sex? I think only of my DH, even when getting in the mood when he's not around. My own experience, when I think of someone else, it leads to disaster.
Also for me there is a difference between sharing fantasies and straight up saying "Dude, when we are having sex, I'm not even thinking about you," which is what I would take away from Cindy1968's husbands comments.
we were in a general discussion about our sex life...all positive.
when the topic came up...I guess he thought it would turn me on...I don't know, just told me very matter of factly,
Then he was totally dismissive of my feelings, and is saying I am being silly and I need to get over it, and that I have no right or reason to be hurt or upset...
Female here, Cindy, and yeah, you are being a bit too sensitive. All men do this. No, he shouldn't have told you, but try not to dwell on it. It's very normal.
Here we go again. No, all men do NOT do this. I do fantasize about other women/threesomes/etc but not when I am with my wife.
I have to agree that I would probably be hurt too if my wife told me that. Though the points about shutting down communication are valid too...
I guess that means my DH is lying when he says he only thinks of me during sex?
Yes he's lying but it's one of those acceptable white lies such as when you tell your wife she looks great even though she's put on 30 lbs since you got married.
The guy who tells his wife he fantasizes about other women.. well he's being honest, can't fault him there but he needs to understand that women just don't understand that guys think this way and telling his wife isn't going to gain him any brownie points.
I've never thought of anyone else when having sex with my wife.
I know plenty of men (and women) that do. I can see why it would hurt you. More telling is that he said it at all. Why would someone bring that up unless it was to hurt the other person? I would chalk it up to your husband being a bone head.
As a guy, I agree and would be hurt. If he wants to mentally act out a fantasy like that he should ask you to go along with it. Way more fun that way...
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husbands confession, would this upset you?? 
