To Leave or Not to Leave... That is the question...

tffny.smth · 05-14-2012, 02:08 AM

My Husband and I haven't even been married for 2 months, yet and I already feel like I'm just waiting around for him to decide to leave me. I don't mean that this is what I want, but that I'm getting the feeling that he wants to leave and he just hasn't yet.

In total we've been together for about 8 months and honestly it's been full of arguments and fighting nearly since the beginning, but I'm the kind of person that throws myself into a relationship immediately and fully. Regardless of whether or not it's "healthy" I fell hard for my DH right away and there was no turning back. I'm the kind of person that doesn't say "Good-bye"... I'm in a relationship for the long hual and subsequently am alwayz the one who gets left rather than doing the leaving.

My DH and I already have a child on the way, due in August. She's my first and his 3rd. I personally believe this is why he was willing to marry me even though occasionally he is willing to say that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. However, it's difficult to get him to say ANYTHING that is romantic or "lovey-dovey".

Anywayz...

My point is that deep down I'm already sure that our relationship can't survive, because I sense that he IS going to leave me one day. And even though I'm VERY anti-divorce, should I give up now when the relationship is still fresh rather than waiting to be left? I don't want to waste precious years in an unhappy relationship only to get discarded by yet another man. But then what if I'm wrong and he IS willing to work this out and stick around no matter what?

Toffer · 05-14-2012, 07:08 AM

Have you talked to him at all about these issues and feelings you have?

As you've said, it would be better to move on earilier rather than later. Tell him this

You can also possibly have this marriage anulled Look into it

Gemwas · 05-14-2012, 07:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tffny.smth

In total we've been together for about 8 months and honestly it's been full of arguments and fighting nearly since the beginning,?

And you are going to bring a child into this?!!

Jacked · 05-21-2012, 12:19 AM

Oh, Gemwas, that wasn't fair. Most women never claim to be smart in relationships. When we fall in love (even in a "high risk relationship") its natural to be loyal, devoted, and believing the best in the one we love. That includes believing life with children will be all we dream it will be. If not, we might as well have arranged marriages. We all do the best we can. But that aside,

Keep in mind that you are pregnant. NEVER MAKE IMPORTANT DECISIONS WHEN YOU ARE PREGNANT. High risk marriages have enormous potential, but they are higher maintenance. You will have your work cut out for you. Heartache will be part of the package. Make no mistake about that.

If you want out, consider what the courts will do being involved in your child's life. You give up a great deal of your rights, and later on if he decides to make trouble, it may be out of your hands. Consider carefully what the courts require as far as his rights before or after the child is born if you divorce now or later. I don't know the ins and outs, but you should get counsel ASAP. Spiritual, Emotional, Financial, Legal. Do it now before the baby is born to make an informed decision.

If you want to stay, remember that you are no longer the woman he married. You are a wife with expectations, you are a pregnant woman, which is an entirely different creature. Then you will be a mother. None of that is what he fell in love with. You will have the task of making sure that he feels you haven't disappeared completely. Invite and involve him, with kindness and laughter as his reward.

Make sure you have support either way. You won't make it with him if you don't have support through the tough times (and there will be tough times). And if you become a single mother, you'll definitely need support. I recommend Jesus. Good luck. Sorry its happening.

frustr8dhubby · 05-21-2012, 06:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jacked

Oh, Gemwas, that wasn't fair. Most women never claim to be smart in relationships. When we fall in love (even in a "high risk relationship") its natural to be loyal, devoted, and believing the best in the one we love. That includes believing life with children will be all we dream it will be. If not, we might as well have arranged marriages. We all do the best we can. But that aside

In love in 8 months? Heck you haven't even hardly broken the farting in front of each other stage yet...

Gemwas · 05-21-2012, 07:43 AM

I think I was completley fair, to the unborn child that is. If the relationship has seen nothing but arguments since the beginning and thats WITHOUT the stress of parenthood, what kind of start is this little one going to get.

Whats not fair is a child being born into a warzone, thats not fair.What is not fair, Is a child being born to parents just thinking of themselves and not in fact what is best for the child. Simply believing that "life with children will be all we dream it will be" is not enough to excuse bringing an innocent tiny human being into a bad situation, which from the outset, the OP admitted that that is what it was.

All the single parents ive ever known ( my own included..I was braught up by my mum, brother by my dad) are just amazing and do a bloody good job.However all the parents i know in bad relasionships do nothing but damage their children emotionally on a daily basis. THAT is not fair.

Jacked · 05-21-2012, 01:04 PM

Granted. But hindsight is the thing that makes that clear. That and being on the outside looking in. But when you are in it, going through it, moving ahead and doing your best to understand things without the benefit of that perspective, no one can fault that. All I can say is that LIFE is not fair. Every child will have something. I still believe we do our best. Tffny.Smith, don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Just love your little one and respect yourself. Life is hard enough without making yourself the enemy.

lamaga · 05-21-2012, 01:10 PM

Tffny, sounds like you are facing a challenging situation. But you said several times that you don't want to leave, but you think he will. I'd recommend spending some time thinking about that -- is it really important for you to be the one who walks? And if so, why?

I'd agree with the person above who said that making major life decisions while pregnant is not the best thing to do -- you are all full of hormones, which aren't really designed for clear thinking.

The only specific complaint I'm seeing here is that he doesn't act romantic and lovey-dovey. OK, that's something that can be worked, or you might have to accept that he shows his love another way. Or you might need to leave at some point, but I don't see the rush here. He's not beating you (is he?), you guys aren't openly miserable, and you have a child due in 2 more months. While I agree that it's better to leave a hopeless relationship sooner rather than later, I just don't see any evidence that this is a hopeless relationship.

Have you talked to him? Openly? Can you?

keylogger · 05-23-2012, 11:57 PM

i think you should talk openly then you can take right decision after discussions.

Chelle D · 05-25-2012, 03:16 PM

tffny never came back?
Sounds like you also only married him because you were pregnant. Sounds like you both feel trapped.

You definetly need to talk & decide if you two want to stick it out together to get to & past the "farting in front of each other" stage.

lamaga · 05-25-2012, 03:33 PM

Chelle -- I guess we lost her. But I think your advice is sound.