Okay as many are aware SO had EA last fall. We have been rebuilding, but I have to admit feeling very sad and depressed even this far beyond the situation. Sometimes when it is a beautiful day I reflect back to how she was meeting, enjoying and digging the OM on a similar day while I knew nothing about it last fall, and it depresses me. Yesterday, she was discussing various wines with my daughter and she said there was a wine that went with steak and was good etc. I pretty much KNOW this must have been at one of her dinners at OM house. Also, there is a love song that she absolutely loves that was popular around that time. Should I confront her about this? Just the fact that she gave herself to another person sucks. I feel like I'm just not ever going to get over this fact with her. I've run out of gas but put on a happy face. She has been really good to me lately and tells me how much she loves me often. Counselor says its a defense mechanism because I'm afraid of being vulnerable. I have a hard time believing she loves me after what happened. I still think she isn't telling me everything that happened and this makes me sad too. Will I ever get over this or am I just wallowing in the past? HELP!
I've run out of gas but put on a happy face. She has been really good to me lately and tells me how much she loves me often. Counselor says its a defense mechanism because I'm afraid of being vulnerable.
Uh, yeah .. DUH! How do you feel about your counselor? Do you feel he/she is really helping you get in touch with the hurt and resentment you still have in order to work through it? Okay, you are using a "defense mechanism." That is a label; that does not actually DO anything constructive, as far as I'm concerned, other than give you a name for what you are feeling.
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Originally Posted by Bodhitree
I have a hard time believing she loves me after what happened. I still think she isn't telling me everything that happened and this makes me sad too. Will I ever get over this or am I just wallowing in the past? HELP!
Is your wife in counseling? Does you join you in all, or any, of your counseling sessions? Your wife can treat you as sweet as honey, but has she made genuine amends to you? Has she admitted to her wrongdoing?
This is my personal opinion, mind you, but when it comes to marriage counselors, I believe I had one of the best in the business. He goes to Seattle yearly for a Gottman conference. Go to Amazon or Barnes & Noble and search for books by John Gottman. He is considered one of the "gurus" on marriage counseling. I've read two of his books, and he is right on the money. My Gottman-trained counselor was right on the money too; he told me he didn't see my marriage surviving, and he was correct. In the meantime, we focused on ME and getting me past the resentments I held.
Yes, I am living proof that today I am past the hurt and despair that came with my marriage blowing up in my face. I went through lots of pain, doubt, and a tremendous sense of loss.
But here I am, in one piece and moving on with my life. Still "legally" married to husband, but haven't seen him in almost three years, and we live 2,700 miles apart.
To me what you are describing is still an EA with its signs of addiction-related behaviors. All aspects of the affair have to be deliberately eradicated for the addictive elements to disappear. The wine and the lovesong re-ignite the feelings that were attached to the OM and that gets the same juices going that by now should be going with YOU.
It would be fair to ask her, What about that time in your life provided something that you still want, and can we plan to provide that for you together in our marriage?
I had a deliberate sexual affair to end my former marriage. My ex assumed it was a classic EA ("because that's what women do"). It was not! It was very non-emotional. I had a celibate marriage--my ex had zero libido-- and with the OM I was getting sex! So simple. And if only my ex had provided sexual energy in the marriage I would not have left. But all he cared about were his ideas of why I had an affair, rather than listening to reality. After the OM encouraged me to get an attorney, and I started the divorce, I stopped seeing him; he had served his purpose. I know that sounds strange but it's an illustration of the idea that we are using the other person to get something satisfied. Interestingly, although I had not planned to remarry, after the divorce one guy came along who overwhelmed me with attentive sexual energy and, well, I knew what I wanted and we are now married. He knows how to keep me happy, if i was willing to have an affair over NOT getting it the last time around! (Sexual energy embraces a lot of other things, naturally, not just sex... it's a way of being.)
I am one of those who believe that an affair is not a one-time event, it's a long process that ends in adultery. It slowly provides something that was not being provided elsewhere. If you can be brave and listen to WHAT was being satisfied, what need was there, then you should be given the opportunity to build that into your marriage with her. Meanwhile, come up with new love songs for the two of you, and explore new things--maybe that is what the wine did for her. Ask. And listen. I deeply believe that the 2 of you can learn to create an extraordinarily satisfying "new" marriage from here on out.
But of course that's just me. I'm not a professional by any means. Just another woman who walked away from a man who wouldn't listen.
Okay as many are aware SO had EA last fall. We have been rebuilding, but I have to admit feeling very sad and depressed even this far beyond the situation. Sometimes when it is a beautiful day I reflect back to how she was meeting, enjoying and digging the OM on a similar day while I knew nothing about it last fall, and it depresses me. Yesterday, she was discussing various wines with my daughter and she said there was a wine that went with steak and was good etc. I pretty much KNOW this must have been at one of her dinners at OM house. Also, there is a love song that she absolutely loves that was popular around that time. Should I confront her about this? Just the fact that she gave herself to another person sucks. I feel like I'm just not ever going to get over this fact with her. I've run out of gas but put on a happy face. She has been really good to me lately and tells me how much she loves me often. Counselor says its a defense mechanism because I'm afraid of being vulnerable. I have a hard time believing she loves me after what happened. I still think she isn't telling me everything that happened and this makes me sad too. Will I ever get over this or am I just wallowing in the past? HELP!
First of all, her EA was only last fall. That's still pretty fresh. You have to take as much time as you need to "get over" it. Pushing yourself to do so will only cause resentment inside you.
I am bothered by the fact that she would have such a discussion. To me that signals that she still has pleasant memories associated with the EA/OM. There is a song that reminds me of my EA and it sickens me. I can't listen to it. If it comes on the radio I have to turn it off. And mine happened a very long time ago.
She needs to honestly be disgusted with herself for what she did, and truly remorseful deep down, or else you're not going to be able to get over the pain of her betrayal. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's how I feel, having been there.
Wait....so she was going over to have dinner with this guy at his house and they had a romantic song together and she says there was nothing physical? I find that hard to believe. Posted via Mobile Device
Tell her! Confront her! If she's really trying to work towards R she will amend her ways. She needs to know. More importantly, you need to know where she stands
I'm trying to R with my BS and I am constantly reminding him that he needs to let me know what else I can do.
First of all, her EA was only last fall. That's still pretty fresh. You have to take as much time as you need to "get over" it. Pushing yourself to do so will only cause resentment inside you.
I am bothered by the fact that she would have such a discussion. To me that signals that she still has pleasant memories associated with the EA/OM. There is a song that reminds me of my EA and it sickens me. I can't listen to it. If it comes on the radio I have to turn it off. And mine happened a very long time ago.
She needs to honestly be disgusted with herself for what she did, and truly remorseful deep down, or else you're not going to be able to get over the pain of her betrayal. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's how I feel, having been there.
If (and when) I were to ask her about this she would say something to the effect that since they were only friends there is no emotional memory associated with OM. She would say she was talking about wine not the time with OM even though he probably gave it to her. As far as the song goes, I want to be sure that you know that is my interpretation. I know it was popular during the time that she was resolved to end our relationship and found a "listening ear" in this loser of a man (and he is a BIG loser). I think she is completely embarrassed and wants it long gone, but then she'll say things like about the wine- on mothers day no less. She has said to me "I never ever want to be in that place again" - referring to last fall. She was working like 70 hours a week and was staying up all night literally bringing work home. Says she was sleep deprived and was actually almost out of body when telling lies about whereabouts etc. Right now she is the perfect partner- quit job, goes to counseling, and reiterates at least three times a day that she loves me. But then I tend to focus on these "little" things that bother me and feels like I'll never get past this. Oh well.
If (and when) I were to ask her about this she would say something to the effect that since they were only friends there is no emotional memory associated with OM. She would say she was talking about wine not the time with OM even though he probably gave it to her. As far as the song goes, I want to be sure that you know that is my interpretation. I know it was popular during the time that she was resolved to end our relationship and found a "listening ear" in this loser of a man (and he is a BIG loser). I think she is completely embarrassed and wants it long gone, but then she'll say things like about the wine- on mothers day no less. She has said to me "I never ever want to be in that place again" - referring to last fall. She was working like 70 hours a week and was staying up all night literally bringing work home. Says she was sleep deprived and was actually almost out of body when telling lies about whereabouts etc. Right now she is the perfect partner- quit job, goes to counseling, and reiterates at least three times a day that she loves me. But then I tend to focus on these "little" things that bother me and feels like I'll never get past this. Oh well.
I"ve read your other posts. The impression I always get (forgive me if I'm off base here) is that you have put yourself on a timeline for getting past what she did.
The BS is the one who gets to decide when things are better, not the other way around. It doesn't matter whether she was talking strictly wine or not. She shouldn't be bringing up anything that happened during that time frame in a positive way.
Meant to post this in this forum- accidentally put on coping with infidelity forum. Okay need help again- you can see the history- I kept getting slammed for starting new thread. I continue to obsess about "what really happened" last fall with SO and OM. The hurt I feel is sometimes at fever pitch. She is doing an awful lot to pursue relationship with me- she used to get angry with me about almost everything. She has now become more approachable, and in the past two weeks two times she has said "I'm sorry" to me when we were at the beginning of an argument. In the past she would have gotten angry and it likely would have led to huge blow up. She consistently tells me she loves me as well. So here is my dilemma: I still feel like I've contributed a lot more to the reconciliation -admitting I could have been more intimate, more attentive, less judgmental, investigating my insecurity issues and mother issues in counseling. I'm also frustrated with counseling- it seems to be helping but when I have brought up her lying the counselor just looks at me. I think he is trying to take approach of "staying in the present" and not dwelling on the past. He appears to think we are very compatible and love each other so wants to move us forward so to speak. Also, since we are not legally married, and finances were one of her issues that she felt I kept control (we never combined money and she always felt she had less than) we opened a joint account and I have helped set up where she can get a lower interest rate on her credit cards (I am ultimately responsible if we separate). So I feel I have put myself on the line. To an extent as described above , so has she. New job etc. And here is the shocker (sarcastic)- she seems to have lost interest in sex and sleeps out on the couch most of the time. In my mind after she said attention was a big reason for her EA, this is hypocritical. She says it is because of her PMS and period and she is uncomfortable a lot of the time and can't sleep, is restless etc. The sex part the fact is that ever since the affair she has not been that "in" to me. No "fun" things like it used to be. She sort of laughs when I ask her if she is attracted to me, as if to say, yeah right is that a joke- of course I'm attracted to you. Just doesn't want sex very much like before affair. In my mind I'm saying it's because she never told me what really happened with OM i.e. sex and that somehow she is using that against me mentally. Anyway thoughts welcome- I am one of those people known to create stories about others motives etc. , but on the other hand is there anything to my thought process? I play the whole affair thing in my head at least a couple of times a week because I still can't believe she did it and that leads to me not believing that there was no PA. But she insists not. I'm driving myself crazy. Counselor says I "find" things to keep myself distant from intimate relationships and don't trust. I say no **** when someone lies to you like she has why should I trust that she loves me. Comments welcome.
Hi Bodhitree - Your wife had an EA - it's no surprise she isn't attracted to you. It obviously has nothing to do with PMS, period, insomnia, etc. She is probably stressed, doesn't sleep well, and has no libido around you because she probably feels you are the cause in some way.
I'm wondering why you want to stay with her? Do you think that you can't find another woman? Is this marriage better than being single?
My impression from your posts is you have self-esteem is low. Whether your self-esteem was low and that is WHY your wife had an EA or whether it's low BECAUSE she had an EA doesn't matter. What matters is right now. And right now, your self-esteem is low, and that's not very attractive to anyone.
I see two plausible directions for you marriage:
(1) Understand your limitations, go love yourself more, be completely awesome and seduce the hell out of your wife. (She liked you once for a reason, no?)
(2) Understand your limitations, go love yourself more, be completely awesome and seduce the hell out of someone else. (As in, why stay with this woman if you can't feel good around her and she doesn't like you and can't get over all the history?)
I've been in a similar situation with an unsubstantiated rumor about an affair but it hurt nonetheless to imagine that H might have had an affair. I've pretty much had to cope with the possibility because there was no proof for or against it.
I understand your counselor's suggestion to live in the moment instead of in the past. What actually happened really doesn't matter and it doesn't help you to move on. You have no control over what happened. There was a point where I was obsessed with finding out the truth and learning everything I needed to know about what might have happened. I couldn't find anything but that didn't stop me from obsessing. Now I tell myself that I had and still have no control over any of it. I only have control over me. When I feel myself obsessing or throwing myself a pity party, I ask myself "what is most important right now?"
I agree with Relationship Coach about why she may have lost sexual interest. Also, I think you need to find your confidence. If you don't think you're sexually attractive, she's not going to either. Don't ask her if she finds you attractive anymore, she's only going to give you the same answer.
Meant to post this in this forum- accidentally put on coping with infidelity forum. Okay need help again- you can see the history- I kept getting slammed for starting new thread. I continue to obsess about "what really happened" last fall with SO and OM. The hurt I feel is sometimes at fever pitch. She is doing an awful lot to pursue relationship with me- she used to get angry with me about almost everything. She has now become more approachable, and in the past two weeks two times she has said "I'm sorry" to me when we were at the beginning of an argument. In the past she would have gotten angry and it likely would have led to huge blow up. She consistently tells me she loves me as well. So here is my dilemma: I still feel like I've contributed a lot more to the reconciliation -admitting I could have been more intimate, more attentive, less judgmental, investigating my insecurity issues and mother issues in counseling. I'm also frustrated with counseling- it seems to be helping but when I have brought up her lying the counselor just looks at me. I think he is trying to take approach of "staying in the present" and not dwelling on the past. He appears to think we are very compatible and love each other so wants to move us forward so to speak. Also, since we are not legally married, and finances were one of her issues that she felt I kept control (we never combined money and she always felt she had less than) we opened a joint account and I have helped set up where she can get a lower interest rate on her credit cards (I am ultimately responsible if we separate). So I feel I have put myself on the line. To an extent as described above , so has she. New job etc. And here is the shocker (sarcastic)- she seems to have lost interest in sex and sleeps out on the couch most of the time. In my mind after she said attention was a big reason for her EA, this is hypocritical. She says it is because of her PMS and period and she is uncomfortable a lot of the time and can't sleep, is restless etc. The sex part the fact is that ever since the affair she has not been that "in" to me. No "fun" things like it used to be. She sort of laughs when I ask her if she is attracted to me, as if to say, yeah right is that a joke- of course I'm attracted to you. Just doesn't want sex very much like before affair. In my mind I'm saying it's because she never told me what really happened with OM i.e. sex and that somehow she is using that against me mentally. Anyway thoughts welcome- I am one of those people known to create stories about others motives etc. , but on the other hand is there anything to my thought process? I play the whole affair thing in my head at least a couple of times a week because I still can't believe she did it and that leads to me not believing that there was no PA. But she insists not. I'm driving myself crazy. Counselor says I "find" things to keep myself distant from intimate relationships and don't trust. I say no **** when someone lies to you like she has why should I trust that she loves me. Comments welcome.
Sorry I didn't see this thread originally when you started it. I just want to mention that though I'm not a woman I'm going to comment anyway, I'm in a similar situation to yours and it also sounds like we have similar personal outlooks on the whole thing, though of course I can't be sure of that just from what you've posted. My wife's EA was longer ago than your wife's and this stuff still bothers me, so don't worry about hurrying to get past it, because there isn't a deadline. The worries you express are apparently common, including whether it went physical. Also, I still have resentments when my wife brings up relatively innocuous things like a work project that involved the OM, so of course you feeling that way over things like a particular wine or romantic song is to be expected and is reasonable. But the main thing now is your wife needs to be doing all she can to help you get past all this. Her sleeping on the couch and avoiding sex has to be dealt with at some level fairly soon. I can't see things getting better no matter what she says as long as that kind of thing is happening.
7Likes
Am I being too sensitive.. Ladies help 
