Husband thinks I am not affectionate enough
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Old 03-21-2009, 11:19 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband thinks I am not affectionate enough

I have been married to my husband for 6 yrs. He has a very high sex drive where as I do not. He and I had a argument in fact we have had more than one about the fact he feels I am not affectionate enough. I feel that I am, sometimes I am happy to just cuddle in bed and not have all that can go with it, sometimes I am very tired and just want to sleep, or I dont feel well and again just want to rest to get better. Other times he tsk tsks me on how I kiss him other times- saying" Its just a peck" When I wasnt trying to just quickly kiss him, I simply just kissed him and it wasnt all romantic and long- I also do those too but not every kiss of course as I am sure anyone doesnt. In church you would think we are newlyweds- in a proper setting of course I am always holding his hand, or leaning on him etc. I really dont get where he thinks I am not affectionate- and yes we do also have fun in bed, maybe not as much as another couple but since my drive isnt as large as his, I can go a bit and not and be happy.
This whole arguement angered me. I thought " Thanks for sharing your feelings but you are up in the night" I love him, I show that I do, I go to college with him and when he is at work I do housework that needs to be done- he is never without anything he needs. I just dont like being a) somthered b) expected to be more affectionate than I feel up to sometimes- I let him have his level more often than not. He has known me for 7 yrs he should know Me by now and know how I am, that I am not selfish, I do love him and spend time with him. At end of the day I dont know what he wants from me exactly that he doesnt already get- which is alot- every day I hug him and kiss him, I dont skimp on my affection but I am not clingy and am not some escort paid to do his every bidding.
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Old 03-21-2009, 11:47 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I am not affectionate enough

maplechic,

i can tell you, you are making a HUGE mistake. i too was very happy & had no idea my husband was feeling this way. he often complained about the lack of sex. he never expressed the lack of affection though until about a month or so ago & by then any changes i was making or willing to make were too late. i know it seems silly, but we find happiness much easier than our men. i have first hand experience with this issue (read my other posts) & it has hardened my husbands heart so i can no longer get through to him. he is extremely bitter and against trying to make our marriage work.

unless you are ready to accept an EA, PA or seperation, change your ways now. this behavior is detrimental to his well being and how he views himself as your mate. he will swear you just dont want him. please for your own sake turn it around before it is too late. i dont want you to experience the pain i am dealing with now for exactly the same reason. he wont take much to please him.
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Old 03-21-2009, 11:57 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I am not affectionate enough

well my husband certainly isnt bitter, but he is a needy person- he got an A in drama if that is anything to go by- he likes being the center of attention. He also feels he may have some autism and autistics have a hard time showing emotion, I know because my older brother has it- I dont have ESP, we have to find a way to tell each other how we are feeling. I know for a fact I am trying my best to be affectionate because I keep a diary, a detailed one and I know the things we do together- I didnt mention it but I am working on building trust with him because he took out several pay day loans awhile back and did not tell me- not till after. He also put a personal ad on a web page and listed himself separated- when nothing of the kind was happening and he had not begun to complain to me about our relationship yet. Trust is something you build and he has had to rebuild mine- so dont think of me as callus or stingy, I am working on trusting him because at the moment I cant go away on a short trip like people do to see a friend in another state- I dont know what he will do in my absence.
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Old 03-21-2009, 12:40 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I am not affectionate enough

Hi!

I've heard this complaint before too. If we aren't in the mood, they take it as rejection. And when the males feel rejection (at least in their minds), it is amazing what damage can be done. You should see what damages my husband caused for us last year. I'm still living in that nightmare!

So, now I'm going to explain what makes some of us women "not in the mood". Let's say the woman works at a demanding job 60 hours per week and does ALL of the housework. In addition, she takes care of the children, ALL yard work, and ANYTHING else which arises. The woman begins her day at 4:30 am and gets in bed at 10:00 pm. Meanwhile the man gets to sleep until 6:00 am . He then goes to work and only deals with work. He comes home, eats dinner, and watches TV or plays computer games. He then goes to bed at 11 or 12 pm. Guess what? The exhausted woman is getting some much needed sleep at that time. He wakes her up and attempts to initiate sex. The drowsy woman declines the invitation. The man can't understand that and feels total rejection. Next thing you know, the husband is busy having affairs and boosting his ego. Utter chaos then follows. I don't know if your situation is anything like the one I just described, but that was my life story for 10 long, miserable years. Yes, I loved my husband. However, I was just too stressed and tired to be affectionate ALL of the time.

After my husband moved out last year, I figured many things out. This is one of those great mysteries I solved. All of the reading of self-help books, individual counseling, and many hours of quiet time spent reflecting has been very beneficial. If you haven't already read "The Five Love Languages", I think you will find it helpful. You will then know what things your husband must do for you. And when your needs (your love languages) are met, you'll feel a lot more affectionate towards him. This affection thing is a TWO WAY street. Unfortunately, my estranged husband just couldn't grasp that concept.

Wishing you the very best as you tackle this problem.....
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Old 03-21-2009, 12:54 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I am not affectionate enough

Men like me feel loved when we get sex. If I don't get it, I don't feel loved. It makes no difference what other input I get. I am receptive to one language and that is sex.

On the other hand, my wife feels love when I hug her and make her cups of tea and buy her little gifts. So I do that for her. Each partner has to speak the other's love language. When he says affection, he is probably too embarrassed to admit that he simply wants more sex.

However, it might also be that you feel resentful towards him about something, and that is causing your affection towards him to dry up a bit.

Can you put some numbers on it? How many often do you guys have sex?
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Old 03-21-2009, 01:05 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I am not affectionate enough

In one form or another 3-4 times a week ( not going to break that down into specifics)
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Old 03-21-2009, 05:29 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I am not affectionate enough

just wondering what the heck is EA and PA? I am no where near separation either so I dont know what you are getting at picabu- in 6 yrs he has only just expressed how he feels- he has had ample time to do so, and I am a very good listener, people have told me I am throughout my life. I am not the yelling type nor do I toss things at him- we dont really argue anyhow but this came up, just now- you can imagine how I might feel having this suddenly come to light- even though he is free to talk to me about whatever the heck he likes as he does to everyone he knows. I felt like where is this coming from? How long has this been on his mind? Why was he afraid of telling me- what did he think I would possibly do if he did? I would listen that is what, I was a bit shocked at his accusations but I did listen, he has things to work on too its not all on me. I was brought up in a loving family- he was not so I know how one should treat someone they care about and I do, I just am not perfect at it as no one is perfect, I do try, I do make an effort but sometimes it seems its not good enough for him- do you get my meaning now? His first wife which the marriage only lasted a year, was very abusive to him, treated him terribly, he worked 3 jobs just to not have to be around her because of how she was- well I am not her- no sir I dont treat him like that. The way she was was horrible and I would never be like that because I simply am not like that- its not me. I am just conservative in my affection sometimes but its how I was raised, my folks didnt makeout in front of me ever, my dad is extremely conservative about that but they have been married almost 40 yrs and love each other very much and 2 of my married brothers are the same with their wives- they aren't all over each other- so why expect me to be? There is a time and place for that and I feel comfortable when we are alone but will hold his hand or put my arm around him in public as is acceptable.

Last edited by maplechic; 03-21-2009 at 05:39 PM.
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Old 03-21-2009, 09:38 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I am not affectionate enough

Update- My husband is happy again with me and everything, I have been quite affectionate, in many ways (sex, cuddling etc) and he is happy. I did tell him he has to tell me when he feels like we arent close or needs more attention- I cant read his mind, its impossible, maybe when we have been married for 40 yrs but at this stage, no I havent been with him quite long enough to know his thoughts. But his is happy- he has told me so and I hope to keep it that way, but its a two way street.
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Old 03-22-2009, 12:25 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I am not affectionate enough

with Mark, I am all about the sex, when I get it, GREAT, when not...well I do not feel loved by my wife.

Your biggest obstacle is communication, you both need to communicate better.

to what you want, he also has to understand not all women ahve high sex drives, your's is probably higher then most I would assume with 3-4 times a week, pretty good.

My wife and I have learned to spice things up, we dated for 7 years, married for 12. we will go on date nights and she will wear a sexy dress, or we will do other things that spice things up for us. We have three children so we are go go go with them and we hardly go out alone anymore, but you need to do that every so often, just a fun night as a couple.

We also do role playing, read erotic novels together, some 'adult" board games, etc. While it is not for everyone, it works for us.

But you both sound like a lovely couple, I wish you the best, just have some fun with marriage, you can do things with your husband that you can't do with anyone else...have fun with it.
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Old 03-22-2009, 08:28 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I am not affectionate enough

maplechic,

I am so happy to hear that!!!! Kudos to you. It doesn't take much to please them (if we know what is wrong). sometimes they just hit a needy spell. By the way EA (emotional affair) & PA (physical affair). Sounds like you are no where near that being an issue & i am so glad for you. Best wishes & take care.
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Old 03-23-2009, 09:24 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I am not affectionate enough

I have learned the hard way over the years that men and women think of sex very differently. The above post is correct in that feeling loved by men usually equates to sex somehow. I know that sounds shallow but it is true for the most part. I know when I felt that my wife was not responding to hints or advances by me that I took it personally. Men have egos. Women cannot understand all this because they are wired differently. The one post that mentioned the "Language of Love" or something like that is dead on that for a marriage to work both of you need to understand each other's needs.

For example, I hate to say but the only time I feel "love" from my wife is when I do something good or right like a dog would. If I go out of my way to help her with household chores, send flowers, plan a special vacation, buy her something, etc. Some might look at this and say well that's not love but I don't know how else to look at it if you are going to keep the marriage going.

Sex is a compromise in most marriages because men want more of it and all the time. Women want something else that is completely different from that. The sooner men and women realize that and communicate it then the sooner things can remain stable.
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Old 03-23-2009, 09:37 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I am not affectionate enough

Like other guys on here have said, if your husband is like me I feel loved when I get sex from my wife. I definitely love to hug, kiss, etc but I tend to "hope" that the hugs/kisses throughout the day will lead to sex that night.

Like others have said, anytime the wife is "not in the mood" it 100% feels like rejection.

I'm of the mind set that there should be no "not in the mood" situations, if you truly are sick, truly have a headache (not a "headache") then that is understandable, but if both parties are able, and one is wanting, then sex should happen irregardless whether or not one of the two isn't "in the mood".
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Old 03-23-2009, 10:04 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I am not affectionate enough

Have to agree with above post. I get tired of seeing women write about the "not in the mood" thing also. Men who love their wives do things all the time that they are not in the mood for. Men do things for women sometimes because they are building up "points". Sorry to say but it's true. Women have the sexual advantage and control and they know it. So, if you are in a healthy and giving marriage then the women should not be so choosy about all this. Plus, what's wrong with a man wanting to have sex with his WIFE. That is, instead of women looking at it as a burden, how about looking at it like - "at least my husband desires me". Look at it as a compliment. As long as he is not making you watch porn or things outside the norm for married sex, then why does it have to be a negative thing when a man desire that intimacy with his wife.
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Old 03-23-2009, 10:59 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I am not affectionate enough

One thing to remember though is if you have a husband who loves online games- you might be in the mood OK great but he might have a devil of a hard time prying himself off his computer- so when he finally does- think OH Yeah... you the wife is no longer interested or may be fast asleep! My husband only just recently quit playing WOW after months of it being the most interestingly thing on earth to him.. but now he has unhooked himself from that and it has made alot of tension go away, not just for sex but for doing anything. But looking at the past two responses- may I remind you that no where in tradtional wedding vows- certainly not mine did he or I promise to give each other sex whenever it was wanted- to love yes I did promise that and yes we do have sex too but to me it has to be what you both want, you can be nice and give your partner what they desire yes but you are not under any law required to always do so, you shouldn't refuse always of course but you can if you dont wish to on occasion, dont feel good, are extremely worn out etc. Husbands and wives are partners and companions and we don't own each other, we are not property, we have our own minds and feelings and cant be treated as possessions-to do as you wish with, when you wish ( either way I mean we both cant treat each other like this). I am not treated that way but some couples do that.

Last edited by maplechic; 03-23-2009 at 11:45 AM.
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Old 03-23-2009, 12:11 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I am not affectionate enough

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One thing to remember though is if you have a husband who loves online games- you might be in the mood OK great but he might have a devil of a hard time prying himself off his computer- so when he finally does- think OH Yeah... you the wife is no longer interested or may be fast asleep! My husband only just recently quit playing WOW after months of it being the most interestingly thing on earth to him.. but now he has unhooked himself from that and it has made alot of tension go away, not just for sex but for doing anything. But looking at the past two responses- may I remind you that no where in tradtional wedding vows- certainly not mine did he or I promise to give each other sex whenever it was wanted- to love yes I did promise that and yes we do have sex too but to me it has to be what you both want, you can be nice and give your partner what they desire yes but you are not under any law required to always do so, you shouldn't refuse always of course but you can if you dont wish to on occasion, dont feel good, are extremely worn out etc. Husbands and wives are partners and companions and we don't own each other, we are not property, we have our own minds and feelings and cant be treated as possessions-to do as you wish with, when you wish ( either way I mean we both cant treat each other like this). I am not treated that way but some couples do that.

1. If you came right out and let him know you were in the mood and he turned you down for WoW, you are right, no reason for him to expect it later that night. That is a circumstancial situation when I was being very broad above, and this is coming from somenoe who has played Everquest (the first real MMORPG like WoW) for about 7 years.

2. About your vows, you did promise to "love and cherish him until death did you part" right? Well, for most men, the way they understand love is sex, so you are supposed to show him love (sex) for better (when you are in the mood) or for worse (when you aren't in the mood). Of course, if he rejected you for a video game that day it kind of null and voids this for that particular instance.


I'm sorry, but so many women (not saying you) use sex as a "weapon" and will hold out if he didn't do this for her or if he didn't do that for her, etc. Assuming he's doing things for you, aka speaking your "love language" whether its helping around the house, treating you with respect and love, buying you little things, etc, then I'm sorry, but just not being "in the mood" should not be a valid reason to reject intimacy with your spouse.
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