Husband hates my parents !! Help
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Old 05-21-2012, 02:21 AM   #1 (permalink)
ami
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Default Husband hates my parents !! Help

My husband hates my parents and my brother. I am a kind of person who has was brought up in a loving family. My parents love me a lot. I got into a relationship with my husband at my work place and finally we ended up marrying with both parents blessings 6 months ago.

Now my husband hates my parents. Even if I talk to my parents over phone he remains silent for the rest of the day. He doesn't really like me speaking to my parents. Then he slowly starts to quarrel telling that my parents are wrong in doing that and doing this. Fights end up big way and I loose all my peace of mind. He shouts a lot and becomes very aggressive and even pushes me many times. I have been physically hurt because of this.

He demands respect from my parents. Say even if they buy a new car, he wants them to call him and say "We have registered a new car, we have got it delivered today.. blah blah" and if they dont do this he starts fighting with me.
I am really not able to tolerate this.I can't speak abt this to my parents or brother, because I feel that they might think small abt him.
I am really scared abt my future and I dont know what to do.. Please help me with ur suggestions.
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Old 05-21-2012, 02:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband hates my parents !! Help

From what you have said, your husband is behaving badly.

Why does he think that need to tell him things? Is it because he feels they owe him? Or does he want them to like him and think that they should treat him like a close family member.

The fact that he is pushing you and hurting you is bad. He's a violent abuser. I never suggest that a woman stay with a violent husband. Please tell your parents about what is going on.

How would your parents feel if you were to say you want to leave him because he is hurting you?
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Old 05-21-2012, 04:59 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband hates my parents !! Help

If he is pushing you and hurting you then you need to call the police right away that behavor is not acceptable in anyones book.
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Old 05-21-2012, 06:13 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Your husband is abusive. If you remain married to him and he does not get help, it will continue to get worse! He also had zero respect for you. My first husband started out like this and the abuse spiraled out of control fast! What he's doing is trying to control your life. It starts with family and will move onto friends, coworkers and so on.

I don't have the best acting parents. My mother is sometimes very toxic. My husband doesn't say a word and puts on his smile when we visit. My parents have always belittled me and it drives him crazy! He'd love to speak his mind, but I asked him not to. I can handle them myself. Both my parents still yell at me treating me like I'm 12 years old and I'm almost 40.
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Old 05-21-2012, 09:36 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband hates my parents !! Help

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Originally Posted by sirdano View Post
If he is pushing you and hurting you then you need to call the police right away that behavor is not acceptable in anyones book.
Isn't one of the signs of an abuser to isolate the victim? Maybe have her cut contact with her family first? Then what's next?

The pushing, shoving, physical altercation was an immediate red flag. A spouse "inherits" the in-laws and a certain amount of tolerance and respect is expected when there is some sort of personality difference between the two. However, when these communications with family members results in any form of abuse, that's a red flag.
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Old 05-21-2012, 10:05 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband hates my parents !! Help

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Originally Posted by survivorwife View Post
Isn't one of the signs of an abuser to isolate the victim? Maybe have her cut contact with her family first? Then what's next?

The pushing, shoving, physical altercation was an immediate red flag. A spouse "inherits" the in-laws and a certain amount of tolerance and respect is expected when there is some sort of personality difference between the two. However, when these communications with family members results in any form of abuse, that's a red flag.
Yep! Big sign. Isolate from family and friends. Not allowed to do things without spouse's permission, etc.

Ami, your husband is abusing you. It doesn't matter how long you have been married, he is trying to isolate you from your parents. Get out.

Look, my husband doesn't like my mom. She really doesn't like him very much either. It's a personality thing. But he doesn't act the way you say your husband acts. They are not required to give him details of everything in their lives. He doesn't try to stop me from talking to them. He gets along great with my dad. When I opened your thread, I thought it was gonna be like my husband. Yours is SOOOOO far past that! Seriously, remove yourself from the situation. And don't let him sweet talk you!
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Old 05-21-2012, 10:42 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband hates my parents !! Help

Quote:
Originally Posted by ami View Post
My husband hates my parents and my brother. I am a kind of person who has was brought up in a loving family. My parents love me a lot. I got into a relationship with my husband at my work place and finally we ended up marrying with both parents blessings 6 months ago.

Now my husband hates my parents. Even if I talk to my parents over phone he remains silent for the rest of the day. He doesn't really like me speaking to my parents. Then he slowly starts to quarrel telling that my parents are wrong in doing that and doing this. Fights end up big way and I loose all my peace of mind. He shouts a lot and becomes very aggressive and even pushes me many times. I have been physically hurt because of this.

He demands respect from my parents. Say even if they buy a new car, he wants them to call him and say "We have registered a new car, we have got it delivered today.. blah blah" and if they dont do this he starts fighting with me.
I am really not able to tolerate this.I can't speak abt this to my parents or brother, because I feel that they might think small abt him.
I am really scared abt my future and I dont know what to do.. Please help me with ur suggestions.
Your husband sounds abusive, and one of the typical initial tactics of an abuser is to isolate their 'victim' from family and friends. If he's already pushing and shoving you around, this is likely to escalate. You might want to seek counselling (*alone) and decide whether or not you're prepared to build a life with someone like this. Abusers don't get better - they get worse.

Edited to add: *Couple counselling rarely works where there is abuse. Abusers are adept at manipulating therapists and using the counselling sessions to arm themselves with more information and weapons to abuse further.
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Last edited by Cosmos; 05-21-2012 at 02:18 PM.
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Old 05-22-2012, 03:03 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband hates my parents !! Help

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Originally Posted by *Dean* View Post
Ami I'm sorry for you.

Your husband is becoming very controlling and that is very bad.
Most likely you feel that you are walking on egg shells.

It's important in a healthy marriage to maintain the power balance
between a husband and wife to equal status. You are allowing
your husband to really swing that balance towards him.

Never ever ever reward bad behavior.
Don't argue either. It's a no win situation too.

Next time he starts talking bad about your parents or goes into his
childish act. Walk away from him. Don't talk to him. Do things on your own.
Don't be in the same room as him. No cooking for him.
No cleaning his clothes, no watching TV together. Nothing for him.

He will get the message really quick. Don't give in to soon.
Don't let him talk about it either and rebring up what he doesn't like
about your family.

You need to send the message that his behavior is bad and he is
letting you down. Tell him that. He is letting you down and your
disappointed in him.

Never reward bad behavior.

Thank you Dean for your suggestion. I will try following this. This is one thing that I have never tried. "walk way and be calm".
When he does this I get very emotional and start crying.
I think its time to stand up for myself and be strong.
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Old 05-22-2012, 03:10 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband hates my parents !! Help

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
From what you have said, your husband is behaving badly.

Why does he think that need to tell him things? Is it because he feels they owe him? Or does he want them to like him and think that they should treat him like a close family member.

The fact that he is pushing you and hurting you is bad. He's a violent abuser. I never suggest that a woman stay with a violent husband. Please tell your parents about what is going on.

How would your parents feel if you were to say you want to leave him because he is hurting you?
Hi EleGirl,

My husband thinks my parents should respect him and treat him as a close family member and gets frustrated if they don't.
My parents on the other hand are little scared of him because they had an open fight within a month of our wedding because he fought them directly accusing them to have influenced our lives. My parents would be heart broken if I leave him, because in my cultural background, divorce/break up after wedding is a rarity and still considered very bad.
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Old 05-22-2012, 03:55 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband hates my parents !! Help

talk it over with him?

just think your life could be worse you could live with having to worry about starving to death or being bombed
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Old 05-22-2012, 10:46 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband hates my parents !! Help

Quote:
Originally Posted by ami View Post
Hi EleGirl,

My husband thinks my parents should respect him and treat him as a close family member and gets frustrated if they don't.
My parents on the other hand are little scared of him because they had an open fight within a month of our wedding because he fought them directly accusing them to have influenced our lives. My parents would be heart broken if I leave him, because in my cultural background, divorce/break up after wedding is a rarity and still considered very bad.
Ending beat up or dead is not an acceptable marriage either.
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Old 05-23-2012, 03:51 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband hates my parents !! Help

Perhaps it is okay to for a man to beat his wife in your culture? We are all products of our environment. I have worked very hard not to let my parent's cultural bias against women affect how I live my life.
I became independent of my parents and lived alone, despite their beliefs that daughters should not move out until they are married. They called me every name in the book and smeared me to my extended family. I still held my ground, just like I did when we were engaged and my parents wanted to control our wedding. We eloped.

At some point, you have to decide if your safety and happiness is worth sacrificing to please your parents. I have so much sympathy for first generation Canadian or American women. If your parents come from a culture which subjugates women, moms and dads often try to push their ideology on their daughters.

I'm sensing that your family is east indian or middle eastern. Am I correct?
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Old 05-23-2012, 11:54 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband hates my parents !! Help

if it is happened then you should solve this problem and understand your husband problems.
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