Join Date: May 2012
| | I finally told him to move out. Just making sure.
Let me tell you where I fail first: I'm not very good socially. I'm not too bad, but not easy at times. I am terse and easily frustrated when things muddle my ability to organize my home or string two thoughts together. My five little ones take some of the credit for that. ;D I also think like a lawyer and say what I mean and expect people (DH) to mean what they say. So now, here are the problems:
1. My husband has serious ADHD and OCD. I think those are factors, anyway. We have been married for 13 years next week, but for most of those years, he has acted like he couldn't stand me, which he couldn't. The rest of the time was pleasant and full of intimacy. (Hence the five kids.) As I look back, I can see how everything was the same at the beginning as it is now. We have never connected on anything substantial. We are as different as night and day without sunset or dawn to connect us. He sees my qualities but can't seem to connect. I see his qualities but annoy him instantly. He just doesn't like me. Never has, as far as I can tell. But I always assumed, because he doesn't talk, that if he just came home from work more often, stopped putting work (his ego) first, he would get to know me on a deeper (even basic) level and be fine, but never seemed to give that a chance. He would try for a few weeks/months, then go back to avoiding me and any eye contact. (Just FYI, his emotional affair is with his business, always has been. I've never been more jealous of anymone than his previous partner, AND HE WAS JUST A REGULAR MAN! No gay stuff, always the business) I just never realized that he was resenting me the whole time. He can't even be in the same room with me (rarely could) without itching to escape. No eye contact if he could manage. It has always hurt, but until recently, I thought it was workable because we'd had good times, too. I have always supported him in his dreams/work and felt that I would support whatever way he chose to support us. So, in short, I became a single mom without complaint because he always promised the light at the end of the tunnel was worth it. What a naive fool. Sigh**
2. He has never put me first. I was pretty naive when he would put others first. For a long time, I didn't know why I was upset about it. It took years to understand. Since he never was emotionally attached to me, many others have been allowed to take that place. Each time, almost imperceptibly, he made me feel like it was behaving badly if I took issue. But now that I see more clearly, its brazen, and I'm completely unable to stomach it. His crimes range from before we were married, not telling other girls we were engaged so as not to offend anyone, yeah right!, to being buddy-buddy with my father's family (that I spent 20 years trying to build bridges with––again, foolishly hopeful and naive, until I overheard a conversation of theirs and found out what they really thought of me.) All these years he made it look like I was the one who had all the issues. They think the sun shines out his butt, and that he is unfortunate to be saddled with me. I found out that they didn't even come to my wedding because they had some deranged notion that I was testing them! Even after this all became clear, he continued working with my half brother freelance, continued chatting and having lunch with my a$$ of a father and his wife. And that's not even the half of it. UNBELIEVABLE! Following that came work associates who have ultimate priority over my pathetic position as a mere wife. I allowed the men their leave because I liked to see he had friends, supporting his dreams. Turned out I supported him right out of our marriage! And how could I stomach the women? One of my best friends who had worked at his company, worked her way in, and organized a new venture with him. It completely changed our family's goals, too! Nobody asked me! She called all the time. I finally told him to knock it off. He said he would but couldn't, claiming that because she had fallen seriously ill, and it wasn't good timing.
Well, when she got better, I told her myself. I even offered to come up with a better solution so that they could continue working and helping each other. she freaked out. Never spoke to me again. Never worked with him again. But somehow managed to organize a meeting with him an hour and a half north where he was working, and what was it about? Me! She wanted to discuss whether I was out of line and being unreasonable. He honestly didn't care, was too busy with work anyway to worry about "stuff like that." He laughed at how silly she seemed to him, getting all emotional like that. :O He was only annoyed at me because he thought that I was insensitive and had very bad timing. (Oh!) But the list of these incidents goes on and on. Always the same problem only with different people. And I'm always treated as if it has nothing to do with me and I should just let it go.
The latest (and seemingly unimportant one) was with his CFO, (a woman) who holds nothing sacred. Last November my husband came home having had some sort of "epiphany" as he was crossing a busy street in New York. He loved the buzz and wished I could be there with him. Then he immediately thought, "She would hate it (meaning me). We really have nothing in common and I'm done trying." He came back wanting a divorce. FYI, at his work, I don't exist, and being English, he never talks about his personal life. But his marked attitude change made her, and probably everyone else, think he'd had an affair out there. He didn't, but he definitely wished he had a different life with the people he met out there and the vision of being a vibrant handsome man strolling down a New York street unhampered by 5 kids and their grouchy mother.
I told him, calmly, that I wasn't worried. I'd been though it myself. We could work it out. We just needed time together to get to know each other and reconnect. That I loved him and I got where he was coming from. He stayed out of duty. He doesn't even pretend to love.
Well, back to that woman. She teased him for two months, hoping he would confess. Finally, she accused him outright and wouldn't let up. I heard all of this blow by blow, I have no idea why he would tell me and laugh about it all to me, but when it came down to it, it was apparently none of my business. I was upset with her for thinking she could even go there, and upset at him for even allowing it. He created that environment AGAIN, and again I wasn't to say or feel anything. That day I texted her "You've crossed the line." She replied "Excuse me?" Well, I've heard her say that before to others, and I knew the tone. Defiant. I simply couldn't respond. I just felt angry and powerless. He was just annoyed that I would interfere (I almost agreed by that point). But then a few days ago, he took my youngest son to her home and worked with her husband on the new work vehicle WHILE SHE WATCHED HIM FOR SIX HOURS. My sweet boy came home gushing about how great a time he had.
My husband instantly became my greatest enemy and the worst threat to my home, my family, and whatever happiness I had left. In my mind I could see every one of my kids having a ball with him and his "significant others" and looking at me as if I were the problem.
I told him to move out.
3. I know that somewhere in there is love for me. I see his confusion/compassion when he knows I'm hurting. I know he has serious OCD ADHD plus confrontation issues, which sometimes account for his never standing up for me, in lame theory. He is genuine in many ways but can't agree that he has put me last, Feels he wouldn't be true to himself if he acted otherwise. (cop out.) But he is not a monster. He can be wonderful. And treats the kids like gold (when he has time.) He is a mixed bag if ever there was one. That's why I've stayed so long. He can be truly amazing. (In a good way, I mean. ;P)
I'm not really asking for advice. I have a pretty good handle on the ramifications, short and long term. Although, it's ridiculous that I still love him, yet I feel confident this is the right decision. (Separation) It's time. But I don't want to miss something. This is a life-changing decision for me and my beautiful babies. I need to know if there is something that someone else can see that I can't. And I don't want to ignore my role with my communication and temper issues. I will gladly take the blame for a vast number of things if that's right, and even some that aren't, if I felt it were necessary. But I don't know that any of that really matters anymore. Thoughts anyone?