momof3boys

Hello, I am new to this site, this is my first post.

I'm trying to reach out to people to talk to, because sometimes I feel like I have no one. I don't want to tell my friends and family some of these details of my marriage. My parents have both passed away, and I have three brothers...no sisters to talk to.

Anyways...a little background about us...we have been married for 4 months...together for 2 years and 2 months. He has a son, I have a son, and now we have a son together.

We used to fight A LOT...and we have recently been getting better at talking about things. We still argue about once a week (which is way more then I want to, obviously). We seem to argue infront of his brother and sister-in-law a lot...and infront of one of his friends. I feel so embarrased to argue infront of them. We also argue infront of the kids, WHICH I HATE!!!! Today we were in the van together (all 5 of us) and he just wouldn't stop. He was trying to get me to answer a question - he thinks there is a double standard in our house...and I kept saying, "not right now"..."not infront of the kids"..."please stop"...but he wouldn't. He got so mad he told me that we were done...infront of the kids - ages 7, 4 and 1.

I feel like we are happy for a week...or the odd time 2 -with little disagreements, that we handle...and then a huge blow out fight. I don't know what to do. I feel like if he knows that he was in the wrong...if he knows that he shouldn't have done something he gets really really mean. He'll say anything he can to make me feel like crap. He'll go way off topic to what the original arguement was about and will just be plain mean. He's put down my work, my weight, my mothering...everything you can think of.

I love him...I want it to work...I don't ever want to be divorced...but sometimes I feel like it's just a matter of time before we are. I don't really picture us 80 years old and still together. I wish I could.

We fight about money a lot...and he spends a lot more money than I do...and I try to make him see that. One week he'll agree that he'll stop...the next week he tells me I spend just as much.

We fight about my son (the 4 yr old) he thinks I'm really easy on him, and he is really hard on him.

We fight about his smoking (cig and pot) - which is also the money issue.

We fight about him wanting to sleep in on weekends...when I am up with all 3 kids.

I just want to be happily married...and a happy family. I need help!!!

jenniferswe

I have a lot of the same problems with my son. He thinks I'm too easy and I think he's too hard. My son has ADHD and Asperger's syndrome. He thinks I should be able to do everything. He works then comes home and watches tv. I have bipolar disorder. He's angry at me right now because I got after him for getting mad at my son about something. It's very hard for people to get along on a long term basis that I've observed. People have their own ideas about how things should be done. I don't know how people ever get along at all.
I know what I've what I've said my not be helpful. I just wanted to let you know you're not the only one.

Toffer

mom,

If this is getting along better, it must have been hel* before.

The two of you are in need of marriage counseling. I would say he's controlling because of his need to show you you're wrong (whether it's true or not) in front of others. This is a power play!

Do you work full time too?

Enchantment

Hi momof3boys ~

Sorry you are going through this. My question to you ... if he belittles you and much of what you do ... why do you love him? What redeeming characteristics are there in him that override his treatement of you? Because the treatment sounds somewhat abusive/controlling/manipulative - "let's put 'mom' down so that we are elevated".

I would suggest you remain calm, confident, upbeat - especially around trigger points- the kids and inlaws/friends - that the fights occur around.

I would also suggest that you go look at the following book by Lundy ... it may give you a different perspective.

Amazon.com: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (9780425191651): Lundy Bancroft: Books

Does your husband acknowledge that the fighting and his treatment of you is a problem at all?

You do have the power to stop his treatment of you by simply not tolerating it - while that may be difficult and cause some serious soul-searching as to whether the two of you are meant to be together - YOU do have control over your own life and YOU are a person who is worthy of respect and devotion.

Best wishes.

__________________

Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

momof3boys

Thank you everyone for your comments...when I have a chance I will answer the questions you have asked.

lamaga

I echo the recs for counseling -- you guys are establishing some really bad patterns for communication and dispute resolution. There will always be conflicts and disagreements in any marriage -- it's how you cope with them that defines your union. You need some help and training, now.

Good luck!

Astrid

Hi there!

I can relate on so many levels, mostly the ones not involving children as of now becasue I have none.

Anywho...

The beginning caught me. We fight about once a week now as well, sometimes I will count the days I'm happy vs the sad days in a 7 day span and there are times where the sad days totally trample the happy days. That's where I'm torn.

I feel like no one cares and I have no one to listen to, I've become quite shut in, hence why I am here.

I have not tried counseling as of yet, but I am working towards that and I feel that may help you guys out as well.

Much luck!

waiwera

momof3boys - I'm also a mum of 3 boys

Sorry your going through this... you know all your problems are probably 'fixable'. I'm certain couple counselling would help...so you can both learn how to deal with conflict so that the same 'stuff' doesn't keep coming up again and again.

But you need your husbands co-operation..... he has to be on the same team as you. He also needs to be kind and loving in his speaking to you... your his wife and your trying to be a good wife and you deserve to treated with respect.

What does he say (when he's in a happy mood) about your relationship?