Am I overreacting?

Venusina · 05-22-2012, 01:35 PM

Hello Again

Last Sunday I made a jello but I wanted to make it like one my mom used to make for me on my birthdays (which I loved), and when my hubby asked how I was going to do it, he told me to do it the "normal way" and not to do any experiment... because "what if I don't like it?"
Well... I did try to do it as my mom's... but argh, I failed and I did not like it either. I was going to take it off the fridge and make another one just the normal way, but I didn't have the time so...
After lunch, yesterday, I wash doing the dishes and he was taking care of our baby, when he asked about the damn jello... I told him very kindly it hadn't turned out well and that I didn't even like it...

Then he yelled at me:
You and your stupid experiments!!
Didn't I tell you to do one for me?(he meant without any other ingredient.

First thing he yelled hurt my feelings really bad... Because I try to do things with all my love and to make him feel special... I wanted to try something new, you know... the suprise factor...
Anyways...

Am I being exaggerated?
How should I react?
-Telling him on his face even If I am kind with him, does not work because he does not listen.

I don't want to talk to him because I feel very hurt and he doens't even care to say "I'm sorry".

I left him a note:

"If you love me, Please don't ofend me o yell at me. Thank you."

Is that a stupid thing to do?

Thanks.

lamaga · 05-22-2012, 01:40 PM

I wouldn't put up with that, but you have to decide where your own boundaries are.

mommyofthree · 05-22-2012, 01:43 PM

There is going to be arguments in every relationship...nothing we can do about it.Its normal and for the most part its healthy.

Not every arguement is going to be the end of the world although at the time I know (god knows I know) it feels that way.

I would let go of the wanting the appology for now but let him know how you feel.Don't dwell on it...just tell him and then walk away.I find in my relationship if I lay it out and then drop it....he has a tendancy to come back later after time to absorb and say hes sorry OR he will do something silly to show me he is sorry and is usually more concious about it from then on.

Im not saying he was right cause he was not and I would definitley not make him any dessert for awhile.

turnera · 05-22-2012, 01:44 PM

There's no excuse for yelling. He obviously takes you for granted, and only you can stop that. Find a consequence for making you feel bad. Like, if he yells at you for not making the dessert he wanted, just don't make ANY dessert for a week, or make one that YOU like. And tell him why.

cory275 · 05-22-2012, 02:01 PM

wow.. that's kind of an intense reaction to jello.

i dunno that i could stand that kind of reaction in my marriage to something as stupid as jello. i'd go batsh!t crazy real quick.

i might have a serious converstation with him and tell him to either pick his battles.. make sure that jello is worth having a fight over or maybe find out if something else is bothering him.

my hubs yelled at me once about connecting the car changer to the cigarette lighter?? huh??? but there was something else there.

Venusina · 05-22-2012, 03:10 PM

He knows I'm upset, but I don't want him to yell at me like that again. He made me feel like I am his "servant", not his wife...

3leafclover · 05-22-2012, 03:39 PM

I'm with cory. There has to be something else going on with him. The Jello Incident wasn't the real problem, just the trigger.

About a year into our relationship, my SO and I almost separated after an argument that started over not refilling the ice trays in the freezer. I'm not even kidding. I can laugh at it now, but it wasn't laughable at the time. Of course, the anger being expressed had nothing much at all to do with ice trays.

livnlearn · 05-22-2012, 03:48 PM

if this was a one time thing, I'd just move on and forget about it. however, if this is the norm, I'd have a talk with him about how it is unacceptable and won't be tolerated.... and I sure as hell wouldn't be whipping up any more surprises for him anytime in the near future.

turnera · 05-22-2012, 05:51 PM

He knows you're upset. He also knows you will do NOTHING when he upsets you. Why should he change?

Start enforcing boundaries (don't yell) and consequences (I will leave the room).

tm84 · 05-22-2012, 06:52 PM

I don't think that you're overreacting at all. He sounds like a spoiled brat and a very disrespectful one, at that.

With that kind of outburst over jello, I'm inclined to think that there might be something else going on within him or with how he sees the relationship that's unrelated to the jello, as others have pointed out.

Beyond that, it might be a good thing to hold back on making him feel special until he understands that he should not be taking you for granted and disrespecting you by yelling unnecessarily. He also needs to apologize.

Maybe it's time to see if you can have a discussion with him to find out what's going on besides his angry outburst about the jello-is he stressed out by work? has there been any recent uphevals in your home life or relationship? Has this been his default way of communicating with you?

heartsbeating · 05-22-2012, 08:11 PM

I would not stand to be shouted at either. You need to enforce boundaries around what's an acceptable way of communicating with you.

When my husband (then boyfriend) and I first moved in together, we were young and I was a door slammer. We had an argument within the first few months. I stormed off and slammed the bedroom door. After a few minutes, he came in and calmly told me he wouldn't accept door slamming and tantrums and that that wasn't the way to be with him. That was the last time I ever slammed a door.

Okay, now back to you. I agree with 3leafclover that the jello was a trigger. I wonder what you said to him when he told (although I think it's more polite to be asked, but hey) you to make the jello he liked? I speculate that he feels that his needs are being ignored.

Now this is no excuse to be treated disrespectfully. But it is something to keep in mind. Set your boundaries, show him how you expect to be spoken to and treated, and at the same time ask him what's really going on. Be prepared to listen. My 0.02cents.

Venusina · 05-23-2012, 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Venusina

Then he yelled at me:
You and your stupid experiments!!
Didn't I tell you to do one for me?(he meant without any other ingredient.

I replied: "It's not that bad... Do you want (I was interrupted by a NO) and then I continued calmly... Why do you get mad?...

And then I burst into tears while he went to the bedroom to sleep.

And I was just thinking and thinking and thinking.

And we have always had problems, me being very very jealous and he being so cold and sometimes harsh.

turnera · 05-23-2012, 01:09 PM

Then why stay married?

search · 05-23-2012, 02:05 PM

I can't stand that kind of behaviour! It makes me so anxious. Yelling is simply not acceptable. It is that he is testing the bounds? Think about it like a toddler's temper tantrum. Yelling, pouting, sulking...I am dealing with that too. We have a counselling session planned next week, maybe try that?

oakhillady · 05-23-2012, 02:30 PM

Wait wait, you said he was taking care of the baby? Are you both just being tired and moody lately? You wait until you are feeling confident, maybe today or tomorrow, and let him know he is not to speak to you that way again. Tell him if there's a problem you will talk to him about it but that you are not obligated to take that kind of treatment, and that he needs to continue treating you with the respect and love that you try to show by cooking for him. If it continues, then it's time for another talk, in which you say you aren't afraid to walk away.