Dealing with my imperfect body
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Old 05-24-2012, 04:19 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Dealing with my imperfect body

Having 4 kids,entering middle age, gravity, nursing and time are changing my body and not for the better. I can still arouse my H with a kiss or a touch. I am just struggling with the idea that my body is not as visually appealling/arousing to him as it may have been. He assures me that he loves me and my body. I used to me the cool confident wife but, that has changed. Working out/diet can only do so much. Please don't depress me by going onto a rant about how sexy women can look even into their 50s, while this is true for some the majority of us simply cannot.

We still have relatively regular sex and it is great. However, I want to continue to explore using visual aid (perhaps including porn) to spice things up. There have been instances in the past when we can be watching tv and certain women in certain outfits can give him an erection. He tries to conceal it but, I notice it and will usually comment on it. There have been times in the past when I will simply take the opportunity to get on and ride it if the opportunity presents itself and if I am in the mood. I even would take if further and have also purposely put girly shows on so he would get aroused as sort of a treat. Sometimes he would get bashful and other times he would openly stroke himself. If I was in the mood to have sex I would caution him not to get to hot as this make sex way too short for me. If I was not in the mood or wanted to give him a special treat we would take turns with our hands/my mouth to arouse him and end it with a BJ. I should point out that for me I am fine with 2 minutes of kissing, 5-7 minutes of intercourse. I usually come anywhere between 4-8 times. Then I usually beg him to come inside me and it is over for me. My H would love nothing more than for the whole thing to be stretched out for 45-90 minutes. This visual foreplay is a way for him to get some lazy-girl foreplay so we can both have our cake and eat it too.

Intellectually i recognize that he is aroused visually (and i have found i am too). I have had solo experiments where i stimulate myself visually and physically and have found some incredible sensations. However, i can still see jealousy rearing its head and kill the mood. My husband made a joke about me not letting him watch those types of shows anymore. Please let's not turn this thread into one about fitness and how i can change my body. I am well-versed in this field. I also don't want to hear that i should take pole dancing lessons or conduct my own show. I know there must be women out there with imperfect bodies like mine that can accept this and learn to have fun in this way.
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Old 05-24-2012, 04:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with my imperfect body

Oh, hey, I'm right there with you. No, no recommendations to do pole-dancing or anything else.

I guess I've just accepted that my guy likes me in bed. Do I occasionally get jealous of women on the TV? Yeah. But you know what, I also look at some hot guys. Doesn't mean much.

You guys sound like you have a really great sex life, and he sounds very lucky to have you. You should read some more on here about the men dealing with 10, 20, 30 years of no sex, or chore sex. They would each and every one of them love to have someone like you.

So...no advice for losing weight, but maybe a teensy bit of advice to count your blessings and let it go?
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Old 05-24-2012, 04:31 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with my imperfect body

I'm 47, three kids, gravity and the whole bit too. I struggle with my weight. And my hubby cheated on me. Not the best recipe to have a lot of confidence in the way it look, believe me.

It's really hard to just accept it when our culture screams at us constantly that young, firm, perky, thin, wrinkle fee, taut etc is sexy. And the same thing is screamed at our husbands.

We watch porn. it turns him on. Especially girl on girl. I don't mind, it kind of turns me on when it turns him on. but I get jealous if he watches the screen more than me once he's inside me.

He also has a really hard time talking about sex. It's something we're working on.

Have you read the book Passionate Marriage? it's kind of cerebral, but it has some good information. We've been kind of struggling with it for about a year. it's a slow process!

This January we started tanning in prep for a trip to Hawaii, and I discovered that having a tan boosts my self confidence as far as my attractiveness goes. So maybe you can find something like that for yourself too.
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Old 05-24-2012, 04:42 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with my imperfect body

I think too that a guy who has a girl who is adventurous and willing and loves sex that is more of a turn on than a "perfect body girl"...I think that guys find it a turn on when their woman is lusting after them no matter how imperfect her body is.
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Old 05-24-2012, 04:48 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with my imperfect body

well said, Highwood -- I have it a bit easy because my H's first wife was very prudish, LD, anti-sex, so mostly he thinks he's died and gone to heaven. I do have moments of worry about my body, but I refuse to let that interfere with my reckless abandon and enjoyment of his body. If that changes, then I'll deal.
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Old 05-24-2012, 04:48 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with my imperfect body

Guy here, 49, married for 28 years.

When your man tells you that he loves you and your body, he's absolutely telling you the truth.

He gets aroused by the "girly shows"? Is wasn't that long ago that I'd get aroused looking at the bra ads in the newspaper (last week, if I remember correctly). It's no reflection on you, it's how we're wired.

It sounds like you have a great marriage and a great sex life.
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Old 05-24-2012, 04:50 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with my imperfect body

I'm not going to go on the diet and exercise rant. Or how perfect you can be with xyz combo of whatever.

But what I have noticed, is that while I myself even though I am young and have no kids have imperfections, they weigh on me a lot less and I mean A LOT less, now that i've been actively taking care of my diet and exercise.

I'm not a pefect 10, I'm not a perfect anything, but the self loathing I had at the end of my marriage and for almost a year after, is gone. i don't shudder when I look in the mirror, I don't lock myself up. I think the endorphins released, or whatever happens REALLY affected that, mixed with the confidence of "I'm taking care of me" I could really care less about where I'm not perfect.

Do something to take care of you that makes you feel good. Doesn't matter what it is, even if it's a new hair cut. doing something to make you feel good, makes you feel like you look good. screw the stick figures, you bore 4 children, that's more than I ever hope to accomplish.
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Old 05-24-2012, 04:53 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with my imperfect body

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Originally Posted by lamaga View Post
Oh, hey, I'm right there with you. No, no recommendations to do pole-dancing or anything else.

I guess I've just accepted that my guy likes me in bed. Do I occasionally get jealous of women on the TV? Yeah. But you know what, I also look at some hot guys. Doesn't mean much.

You guys sound like you have a really great sex life, and he sounds very lucky to have you. You should read some more on here about the men dealing with 10, 20, 30 years of no sex, or chore sex. They would each and every one of them love to have someone like you.

So...no advice for losing weight, but maybe a teensy bit of advice to count your blessings and let it go?
Quote:
Originally Posted by highwood View Post
I think too that a guy who has a girl who is adventurous and willing and loves sex that is more of a turn on than a "perfect body girl"...I think that guys find it a turn on when their woman is lusting after them no matter how imperfect her body is.

I agree 100%, it seems like you two have great sex life & your body image issues are only in your head.
It sure seems like your husband is very into you, so obviously you're doing something right.
Maybe you're just having one of those days when you feel every wrinkle, pound & line, I've had plenty of my own.
Put those negative thoughts away & go jump your hubby tonight, knock his socks off with something completely unexpected, like cooking dinner wearing next to nothing.
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with my imperfect body

My wife is 51 and hot. She still complains about her body, comparing it to 20 somethings.
I tell her, "Honey, you are 51 and beautiful. You're fit, in shape and have a better body than most of the 20 something muffin tops out there. I don't want a 20 something. I want you."
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:20 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with my imperfect body

I am not as skinny as I was when I met my husband five years ago. He has also gained weight.

We both still find each other very hot. My husband thinks I have an amazing body even though I could stand to lose a few.

Embrace your changing body as a testament to the experience and wisdom of your life. You have nothing to worry about if your husband thinks you are beautiful and sexy.
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:45 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with my imperfect body

My husband is 46 and despite being your typical middle aged man who isn't all that fit I still find him extremely HOT and attractive.

Why would I think he would feel any differently about me? I think I look pretty darn good for someone who is 46 with 3 kids that I nursed. I'm not a 21 year old super model but then again neither is he.
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Old 05-24-2012, 07:21 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with my imperfect body

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Originally Posted by marriedwithkids1 View Post
I can still arouse my H with a kiss or a touch.

He assures me that he loves me and my body.

We still have relatively regular sex and it is great.
Who says you have an imperfect body?

The only thing that needs to change is your outlook. Only you can work on that. From where I'm reading, it sounds like you have a healthy man who desires you. Try not to over think it.
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Old 05-24-2012, 07:32 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with my imperfect body

My boobs are floppy and big. I was worried about them...being attractive. I mentioned it to Hubs and he couldn't understand why. He LOVES that they are big and floppy. Highlight of his day, he said

I'm sure your husband isn't lying when he said he loves your body. I'd love Hubs' body if he had passed our child from it too.

It's just our own insecurities that makes us double guess what our men say. I have learned to just listen to what he says and not read into it.
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Old 05-24-2012, 08:13 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with my imperfect body

One thing you can do.... is stretch out the sex sessions. LET him watch YOU doing him! That will drive him crazier than a different body.
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Old 05-24-2012, 08:40 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dealing with my imperfect body

Oh wow! I know exactly how you feel! I started a very similar thread not too long ago-called,
"Does he really want to see me naked??"
I really wanted to know if men could actually desire seeing their wives totally naked, even though we may look nothing like what we think they really wish for.

I received SOOO much support & encouragement that I was floored! Look for it in the Men's Clubhouse. In this thread & that one, you will find so many helpful words, it's amazing!
Honestly, it's so hard to imagine the good things they say can be true when we often have a negative dialogue always running about ourselves.

I've found that when I focus on all the positives, my natural confidence comes forth effortlessly.. When you're feeling happy, enthusiastic, adventurous & all that, he'll be thrilled & as many guys told me- the biggest turn on is not how you look, but that you show real desire & enthusiasm for your man.
Sounds like your relationship is fantastic & that all your worry is yours alone- not his!
Climb out of that head & relax in the moment! Enjoy him & Let him enjoy you!!
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