Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: new york city
| | Two men and one confused women:(
So, it started with a miserable relationship that lasted 8yrs with miguel. Everything was fine in the begininng and went downhill by the 6th yr. I started to figure out how to break it off, but i kept feeling bad about what would happen to him, and i chickened out every time. A year before i we finalized the relationship, I decided to start college and finish my education. This is where i became a bit more independent and social. It felt good being in the outside world once again. On my second semester, I met France. I fell in love with him almost instantly. He was smart and funny and so much more. I told him him about my doomed relationship, and tried to separate any feeling because A) i was in a relationship and B) he was 10 yrs younger. He certainly did not look it, imagine my surprise when i found out.
He respected the situation, but one day, we kissed. It was absolutely fantastic. We were so locked into each other it was amazing. We both exclaimed to not want any ties or seriousness in the relationship and it was only for fun. However, as time went by, we both started to develop feelings for each other. Moreover, during this time , things at home were horrible. I was such a coward. When i was finally brave enough to tell miguel it was over, he threaten to kill himself!. This put so much fear in my heart, that i told him he can take his time in leaving because i was fearing for my life and his. i took this seriously because of a really bad life experience i experienced. I told france and he said he understood and agreed to give miguel time. As time went on we both couldnt stop counting the days the miguel left. However, every time i asked miguel he would stall and i knew he was hoping things were back to normal and was not attempting to find a place.
One day france confess he could not tolerate miguel being there. So i went home and told him he had two weeks and that was final. The things that he put me through were insane. I know i wasnt doing the right thing in having an affair, but when i met france, it had been 6months that he didnt even touch me. At times i held myself responsible for it. When miguel left, it was insane, he did not stop harassing and threatening me. I had to get a restraining order against him, and even that didnt help. So i decided to move. France and i moved in A new house together one month later. Although too soon, it felt so right. We were madly in love and i couldnt stop smiling. He later asked me to marry him, and told me we can plan the wedding after college. We had our ups-downs, but we always maintained.
After the third year in being together, we were facing a emotional and financial crisis. we were going through a rough patch and things were tense. After a couple of weeks, we were dicussing things and i asked him why it had been such a long time since we had sex. His answer took me aback!, he said" well, you dont look like the women u were when we met". I was shocked and hurt and confused. I felt like a fool and remembered how earlier during the week i had tried to seduce him , and he claimed to be tired!. I felt disgusted with him and myself. I felt like he was shallow and inconsiderate. You see, i have a thyroid disorder and my weight fluctuates. I was only 140 pounds when he said this and i felt so low.. After this i started to question everything, Our age difference, what type of person he really was, how can i marry hi, etc.. I pushed myself away from him and concentrated on work and school. I couldnt even remove my clothes in front of him with out feeling humiilated. after two months without barely talking, i met someone else. He made me feel special. He told me how beautiful i was and how much i deserved all the attention in the world. After months of having no sex, having sex with him was out of this world. When i went home i felt terrible. Although i was upset I felt france didnt deserve this. Guilt ate at me, but i couldnt stop seeing edgar. He made me smile and filled all those voids.
Edgar and i went everywhere together. when france would ask i would make silly excuses. I would look at him and still felt so dam guilty. But i was addicted to edgar, he gave me what france didnt. Edgar and i continued this for two months and i developed feelings for him. He made me feel awesome, emotionally and physically. Edgar was from such different world. He was "ghetto" and never finished high school. He had two kids from two different relationships and held a off the books job and lived with his mom. Although this made me nervous, i couldnt stop seeing him. One day i realized that i loved him. When we finally said this to each other many things changed. Edgar and france were so different, france was educated, smart while edgar was the complete opposite. I asked myself what was happening a million times. I finally told france he needed to leave so i can resume my relationship with edgar, france didnt know about him, i was too afraid to even mention it. When france left he was hurt, In fact more hurt than i expected. He always had difficulty revealing his emotions and this time, he layed them all out. I was angry at so many things, why couldnt france show me feelings when we were not even looking at each other, why now , why when there is someone else.
Everything was fine with edgar, i felt on top of the world. After a month, i had to meet with france to seperate our phone bills, which were joint. The instant i saw him, something happened!.. I wanted to hold him and kiss him, i was so confused!. We spoke that evening about our feelings, and he revealed he wanted to fix things, He knew nothing about edgar. I saw the hurt and truth in his eyes and immediately melted. I had realized that day, that i did indeed love france. But how could i!.. I loved edgar?? this is where my confusion comes in.I started to see france agin, and after the fourth date, i told him the truth about edgar. He was devasted and hurt but said he will not give up on me. So now i am seeing both men. I know its wrong but im confused as to who i want to be with. I love them both but feel so terrible about what would happen to them if im not around, particularly with edgar. He is an extremely emotional person and i dont want to hurt him, then there is france who is now showing me how he feels and has expressed so much to me.
I hit myslef over the head for allowing such situation, and even am ashamed. France has stood over the house and is so happy i decided to work things out, he is more attentive and emotional than before. And edgar and i had an arguement and we havent spoken in a week. He sends me messages of loving n missing me, and i sit down to cry. I dont understand why and how this happened, but something has to give. I am confused as to whom i should be with. I dont want to hurt either men but wonder if one of them is pity or mixed emotions i am feeling. France knows about edgar, but i told him i was confused about how i felt towards him, is it pity, gratitude?? i dont know. So, I am hear seeking help, because i want to end this charade. I feel terrible each passing day, and see no end to it. i tried discussing with a friend but got nothing, but confused her. I am an emotional wreck and this needs to end, i just dont know and understand with whom. Please help!!
here are my questions:
is it wrong that i think, edgar is not a good match because of his lack of education and goal orientation. (although he says, he will go back to school, and stopped smoking because i hated it)?
why Am i afraid to be with france and feel like someday, this will happen once again?
What i feel for both:
France-- is funny, has shown me that he does love me. Smart, goal oriented, ambitious. I love him for finally opening up to me and not being afraid.
Edgar--- is funny and sweet, kind considerate. Very emotional but jealous. i love him for picking me up when i was down, for making me feel once again.