I think what distinguishes a player/bad boy is actually a deep rooted fear of intimacy. Those that are attracted to them are really just looking for validation.
Adifferent woman on his arm every week tells me he isn't interesting enough to keep a good woman around very long. He is not someone I would find even remotely attractive.
A sincere compliment is nice, whether it be about how I look or my intelligence. I get really tired of being treated like I am stupid.
I want to hear about you, in bits at a time, If I want to know more, trust me, I will ask.
But like it has been said over and over, listening, really listening, then REMEMBERING is something every person, man or woman craves. We all just want to be heard.
When I was young I used to enjoy dating players. They were fun to be with, I knew where I stood with them and there was never a danger of getting emotionally or physically involved with them, so they were 'safe.'
I never looked at life like this at all... to me, this wouldn't even be enjoyable....I craved to be "emotionally entangled" .... with all the mush, romance & sappy gush that comes with it (even the pain if it fell apart)..... those were my deepest desires, so I was ready to jump right in. I wouldn't even waste my time with a guy if I couldn't see him as a "potential" husband & loving father.
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Trenton said: When I met my husband he was a "bad boy" and he was open with me about it. That was his M.O. coupled with an aloofness that made it seem as if he could take or leave anyone around him. If he was paying attention to you though, then you felt as if you and him were the only ones in the world. When we started dating he had several girls that he was stringing along. He made no apologies for it.
I sort of began the relationship thinking I wanted to break his heart as that's what I had been doing to other guys out of anger based of my own insecurities and past hurts at the time. I even knew I was doing it. Sex to me was nothing more than a chore that I would be very good at in order to manipulate the man with.
Trenton, your story is a WILD RIDE of starting out "Oh so wrong, even manipulatingly"....with that slow build to emotional connection, catching you off guard, not intended.......then it all coming together in the ...."Oh SO right "!! I love to hear how couples met & their journey to get there. Yours is simply halarious!
Makes me think of that song Fooled Around and Fell in Love ~ Elvin Bishop Just goes to show...it doesn't matter how we begin in a relationship... but where we evolve..... none of this defines us or our future happiness.
Me & my husband was the complete & utter opposite of you & yours though..... I was the good girl who was pretty upfront about it (sex to me was making love & only for commitment & the deepest of emotions imaginable tied with it).....he was the quiet guy who didn't have a GF for yrs...though he was admittably very choosey or he would just as soon be alone.
He didn't try to play himself up at all... he just offered himself...and how he felt......nothing glamous......I remember this like yesterday, as soon as I met him, every hallway encounter in school, he was from ear to ear- standing out like a light bulb, he made himself rediculously obvious how he felt .....this was him>>>
...But he was Real..... all those things I was looking for...honest, no games, genuinely cared about me, listened to my woes, wanted to be with me, he let me know these things by his actions from day 1....
For us.... it was all about being who we were....the good, even the vulnerable.....we didn't hide or veil anything, but just talked about it , I may have had to dig a little on his part but he was always honest...we both had some insecurities & helped each other overcome them just being together.
When I met him, he was noticably different... in it's own way though, I sabotaged some excitement in our relationship, cause I used to go on about how I disliked those other types of guys.... so he purposely didn't flirt too much with me! banghead:
Could kick myself for that one ... so when I wanted to start flirting like a very naughty Girl 3 yrs ago....I asked why he hasn't been doing this our whole marriage....his answer.... he reminds me what a "nun" I used to be.
So we've had more Flirting now in midlife than ever before...been alot of fun too!
__________________ The first question should always be, "If it's that bad, why are you still there?
OK, you screwed up, it happens. Now apologize. But apologize just once. Make it loud, clear, short, to the point, and directly to those you trespassed against. Then move on.
I never looked at life like this at all... to me, this wouldn't even be enjoyable....I craved to be "emotionally entangled" .... with all the mush, romance & sappy gush that comes with it (even the pain if it fell apart)..... those were my deepest desires, so I was ready to jump right in. I wouldn't even waste my time with a guy if I couldn't see him as a "potential" husband & loving father.
I was the good girl who was pretty upfront about it (sex to me was making love & only for commitment & the deepest of emotions imaginable tied with it).....he was the quiet guy who didn't have a GF for yrs...though he was admittably very choosey or he would just as soon be alone.
He didn't try to play himself up at all... he just offered himself...and how he felt......nothing glamous......I remember this like yesterday, as soon as I met him, every hallway encounter in school, he was from ear to ear- standing out like a light bulb, he made himself rediculously obvious how he felt .....this was him>>>
...But he was Real..... all those things I was looking for...honest, no games, genuinely cared about me, listened to my woes, wanted to be with me, he let me know these things by his actions from day 1....
For us.... it was all about being who we were....the good, even the vulnerable.....we didn't hide or veil anything, but just talked about it , I may have had to dig a little on his part but he was always honest...we both had some insecurities & helped each other overcome them just being together.
When I met him, he was noticably different... in it's own way though, I sabotaged some excitement in our relationship, cause I used to go on about how I disliked those other types of guys.... so he purposely didn't flirt too much with me! banghead:
Could kick myself for that one ... so when I wanted to start flirting like a very naughty Girl 3 yrs ago....I asked why he hasn't been doing this our whole marriage....his answer.... he reminds me what a "nun" I used to be.
So we've had more Flirting now in midlife than ever before...been alot of fun too!
Simply: For an old windbag like me, I greatly come from the same school of thought that you do. I greatly admire you and your husband for the lives that you have chosen to lead.
I do not like being involved in sexual situations unless there's some very real feelings present, both me for her, and her for me. That may well take time to find out, but having sex solely for the sake of a biological release is about as an empty and emotionless feeling that one could ever hope to find. But that's not saying that it is wrong~ it just isn't exactly my cup of tea!
In regard to that particular aspect of romance, I truly admire joint passion, emotion, trust, and love within the confines of a committed relationship!
Our first date, we chatted for hours. A lunch date turned into an entire day/evening. While it was very natural conversation between us, I was very nervous, which was unlike me. On that first date, I told him in a very upfront way what I was about. Looking back I think it's because I knew I was feeling differently with him than I had with others.
He wasn't a player but he was hardened by life. He had an edge about him but he wasn't an a-hole. He has a photo of himself that was taken before we met and his eyes/facial expression looks both slightly saddened and 'don't mess with me'. He hates that photo. It reminds him of how he felt he had to be. I took a photo of him a few months after we were dating and comparing the two photos, he looks like a completely different person. The appeal for me wasn't in his edge (although I did respect his independence and liked the accent lol), it's that we could relate in some of our experiences and understood one another.
Despite how we were together, I remained slightly guarded. In part, I was aware there was a chance he might go back to America and I didn't want to allow myself to get too emotionally attached. That time of going back presented itself (3 months into us dating) and he chose to stay. I didn't ask him to, as I felt that would be unfair. He'd already told me he was in love with me before then but still there was a part of me that wouldn't free-fall into those emotions because I feared getting hurt. He chose to stay because he didn't want to risk losing what was developing between us. I remember talking to my mom around that time, fearing that he would go back to the US and that I was falling for him. She told me he was in love with me and while he'd decided to stay, there would always be the possibility of that happening. She said she could see in his eyes how much he loves me and told me to cherish it for however long we had with one another. I'm getting side-tracked and feeling mushy.
Well I wouldn't tell my daughter to stay away from such men, doing so will probably encourage her to do it...
Instead I plan to educate her in every way about the game and in the end I want her to have control over men, not the other way 'round. That way she can have a much bigger pool of men to choose from, and admist all those betas and alphas she's sure to find at least one REAL man
Some say I may be betraying other men by revealing all my knowledge in the future... but meh, she's my daughter! LOL
In fact, I already feel sorry for her future boyfriends!
If her father ever lets a guy come within five hundred yards of her.
I've got two of the absolutely finest young men in the world for my sons; but I'll always feel remiss for not having had a daughter which would have given me that old time-honored tradition of that brash "Daddy to boyfriend" bantering and teasing. It would have totally pleased me to no end to have the opportunity to see the fear in their eyes!
I've got two of the absolutely finest young men in the world for my sons; but I'll always feel remiss for not having had a daughter which would have given me that old time-honored tradition of that brash "Daddy to boyfriend" bantering and teasing. It would have totally pleased me to no end to have the opportunity to see the fear in their eyes!
One of the first times H met my dad, he accidentally spilt orange juice on him He's a quiet man with a big presence and stature and not the type to joke it off and say "don't worry about it". I can still remember the horrified look on H's face as he ran off to get napkins. Meanwhile, I was losing it laughing.
H still brings it up randomly to my dad and I still laugh about it. H teases him "Yeah, thanks for making that whole meeting easier on me.." My dad kind of just smirks to himself.
Hearts,
This is a beautiful story about trust. About him believing he could trust you - despite his past experiences. It sounds as if home, for him, is where his true love is, not a country or a postal code.
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Originally Posted by heartsbeating
Our first date, we chatted for hours. A lunch date turned into an entire day/evening. While it was very natural conversation between us, I was very nervous, which was unlike me. On that first date, I told him in a very upfront way what I was about. Looking back I think it's because I knew I was feeling differently with him than I had with others.
He wasn't a player but he was hardened by life. He had an edge about him but he wasn't an a-hole. He has a photo of himself that was taken before we met and his eyes/facial expression looks both slightly saddened and 'don't mess with me'. He hates that photo. It reminds him of how he felt he had to be. I took a photo of him a few months after we were dating and comparing the two photos, he looks like a completely different person. The appeal for me wasn't in his edge (although I did respect his independence and liked the accent lol), it's that we could relate in some of our experiences and understood one another.
Despite how we were together, I remained slightly guarded. In part, I was aware there was a chance he might go back to America and I didn't want to allow myself to get too emotionally attached. That time of going back presented itself (3 months into us dating) and he chose to stay. I didn't ask him to, as I felt that would be unfair. He'd already told me he was in love with me before then but still there was a part of me that wouldn't free-fall into those emotions because I feared getting hurt. He chose to stay because he didn't want to risk losing what was developing between us. I remember talking to my mom around that time, fearing that he would go back to the US and that I was falling for him. She told me he was in love with me and while he'd decided to stay, there would always be the possibility of that happening. She said she could see in his eyes how much he loves me and told me to cherish it for however long we had with one another. I'm getting side-tracked and feeling mushy.
Hearts,
This is a beautiful story about trust. About him believing he could trust you - despite his past experiences. It sounds as if home, for him, is where his true love is, not a country or a postal code.
Thanks MEM.
Along the way, I lost sight of his need to feel that trust with me. I again recognize how important it is. Thank you for your lovely words.
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Re: The skill of what women want to hear 
... so when I wanted to start flirting like a very naughty Girl 3 yrs ago....I asked why he hasn't been doing this our whole marriage....his answer.... he reminds me what a "nun" I used to be. 
