YOU don't want it Southbound, you are happy being single ! Those guys , even the overall dude, who are getting the women ARE putting themselves out there, they want a woman in their life and by their actions - they are getting results.
Well, I am happy being single and I'm not putting myself out there, but I might try something if I met somebody. I have a female friend who is always mentioning fixing me up(just in general, she doesn't have a particular person in mind). I tell her I'm not interested, and she says she can't understand why women aren't showing interest. She says, "it's a small town and everybody knows your single now, I can't understand why someone isn't showing interest." I guess things have changed since I've been out of the dating scene for 20 years. I remember the days when girls would send word by someone that they were interested. Of course, they lost interest after a couple of dates, but, oh well.
So you're not used to approaching... but rather expecting to sit back and be approached?
As for losing interest after a couple of dates. So what? Re-read what deejo wrote about how being blown off doesn't affect your center (but he said it better, scroll back up).
This is always a topic that interests me and one I have been (unofficially) studying for the last 25 years. It all started after I married my wife. I had an impression then that I was plan B as opposed to the "bad boy" she went out with on and off for a couple of years.
Initially when they met she would not have anything to do with him. He was an arrogant ex con (accessory to robbery) but he was persistent. He eventually got her to go out with her and then the next thing was to get in her pants. She was from the good side of the tracks and a girl with a strong religious upbringing. She did not cave easily and he would dump her then call her when his prospects were dim I guess and she would run back (this is her version not mine) every and guess what? He finally got her to bed.
According to her it was not that great but she continued to go back anytime he gave her a booty call. Eventually he grew tired of her and tossed her aside. She is forever pissed off that he broke it off and not her.
Understand that I did not know any of this until after I married and then I started connecting dots. I saw them one time at a dance club. He had since married but he was dancing with my wife. I did not know they had gone out but when I saw them on the dance floor I was a bit uncomfortable for his wife because they seemed a bit intimate for "just friends".
I will not bore you with the rest of the details but I have never understood their attraction. She has always acted like it was no big deal but there has been to much evidence over the years to think otherwise.
I remember overhearing her talk to a bunch of teenage girls and counseling them to go out with a "bad boy" and getting it out of their system. I could not help but think that there were a bunch of bad boys who should be thanking her that they were able to "get into" those girls "systems" literally.
It never goes away I remember being at a Christmas party and a group of people were talking about the losers they dated. I asked if anyone could top going out with an ex felon. Everyone said no but my wife's walking partners countenance changed and she said with a gleam in her eye "I know who you are talking about". Nice!
There are some guys that just have it. They do not have to be great looking but it does seem the one universal quality is a$$hole. I do get it, I have never gotten it and I have given up trying to figure it out.
And yet men get critisized for not settling for those type of women. If you say that it matters then you get beat up and told that the past is the past. That it does not matter that you were not the first choice but the safe plan B. LOL. Right.
That said, I probably was the bad boy. I was just ready for something else.
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Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; 05-28-2012 at 08:10 PM.
I want to hear you be yourself, show me you are intelligent and have a brain, thoughts and feelings of your own that are not fabricated in some elabrotate scheme you've been rehearsing for weeks to get into my pants. Be sincere and confident. I want to be approached in a genuine manner, ideally where you let your guard down and ddot invest too much in trying to impress me. That's where being confident comes in. I think part of the attractiveness of what people call a "bad boy" is their take it or leave it attitude. So many guys come across as needy, requiring too much validation.
Personally though, an intelligent and self assured woman does not fall for a "player". A lot of women out there are playing the game right alongside those players and are not the innocent victims or naive girls they are made out to be. The difference is that most women do not have an ego to stroke, so their game can appear much more subtle. Posted via Mobile Device
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
To hook a woman, first show interest but not sexually. If you want her attention, say something edgy to challenge her and if she challenges back or responds in a way that shows you she knows she's been challenged, and is game for it stay the course. Next show attention something physical but let it end there. Next step is to wait. Then show platonic concern. After that start talking with the compliments and information gathering/questions. Back and forth chit chat. This all takes a few weeks. Once you have your foot in the door, you're in. You can call the shots. But look out. Some women will knowingly engage in this game, and expect you to accept the same constraints/limitations/rules as you want them to accept. The 'good girl' you catch might be cut from the same cloth as you, just better at camo, and having established the rules you can't very well change them, so if you proceed you might have to see her out playing the field as well, and right under your nose, deliberately. In her mind if it's fun and games for you, it's gonna be fun and games for her too. No guilt, no hard feelings, just plain fun. LOL.
If you're serious about a relationship, proceed as though you would a friendship. Then at some point you will be able to talk rationally about attraction, and if there's rejection as your friend she's not going to hurt you, she's just going to be honest. Making friends is never a bad thing. I have lots of guy friends. Any one of them might be relationship material but honestly, it will take a year or even more to figure out. I like to see people in a variety of situations and talk to them about many things before deciding if they are a keeper. Having learned my lessons. I really cherish male friendship I would not date to marry. I would choose a mate from among true friends. For me, dating is fun. Friendship includes dates, but it's different, more serious even though it can seem casual there is a lot going on. People can change in a relationship, and honestly it's how you grow together as friends that would set the stage for how things would go in a committed intimate relationship. Maybe this is a factor of age.
So you're not used to approaching... but rather expecting to sit back and be approached?
As for losing interest after a couple of dates. So what? Re-read what deejo wrote about how being blown off doesn't affect your center (but he said it better, scroll back up).
Actually, I'm not used to anything. I was married for 18 years, so I guess I would be rusty regardless of who approached.
My x wife, however, approached and pursued me, so being approached was my last experience with dating.
Actually, I'm not used to anything. I was married for 18 years, so I guess I would be rusty regardless of who approached.
My x wife, however, approached and pursued me, so being approached was my last experience with dating.
If you want anything to change... then you will need to put yourself out there. Maybe you don't want anything to change, that's fine too. I hope you didn't interpret my words as being flippant. Tone is often up to the reader but when I read it back I feared it could have been taken that way. I think the guys have given you some good perspectives here as well as SA, who demonstrated the differences in your posts to Deejo - with the different mind sets and the different outcomes.
If you really loved your x, it may take a long long time before your ready again.
Depending on your age, you may never completely get over it.
When your ready and if your style stays the same as up above,
the pool of available women that would approach and pursue a man is a lot smaller.
My gut also tells me that out of this smaller pool of women that a good percentage
of them would get bored if the man their fell in love with was always a home body.
Because they have the approach and pursue built into their DNA.
I wouldn't think they could be happy long term no matter how much they may love that man.
That need to get out and do something would win long term.
That's an issue concerning the home body thing. I feel like I can't be myself and be attractive to a lot of women. Goodness knows, everyone today wants to be on the go all the time.
I guess i just absorbed how i was raised. I was raised in a rural area and we were just common folks. My dad worked, my mom stayed home, and during the summer, I roamed the woods with my friend, rode bicycles, etc. We didn't have boats, campers, or spend weekends at the lake. Our little trips in the summer wouldn't exactly qualify as a vacation by today's standards. And the thing is, we were happy! As I look back, I had a very wonderful childhood.
I guess when people grow up they either go with how they were raised or break out and do differently. I guess I just stayed with how I was raised. I can go along with activities. If someone called and said, "Hey, would you like you join us at the lake?" I would probably go, but I just don't have the burning desire to plan those things myself, it's just not something that interests me very much.
... it's just not something that interests me very much.
Therein lies the crux of the matter. What does interest you?
That is what you focus on ... even if what interests you are solo activities.
Passion is important. Passion for, or about something. Doesn't matter if it's the collected works of the French Impressionists, stamp collecting, wood-working, or volunteering for your church.
I fully recognize that one of the most common catch-phrases you can come across, is "Be who you are." "Don't try to change." "Someone will like you for who you are."
And frankly? I no longer subscribe to that train of thought at all.
Personally, I see it as an excuse to avoid changing one's circumstances. It's safe. It's comfortable. And if you are OK with that ... then there is indeed no need to adjust.
But ... if you aren't getting what you need or want from your life and your relationships ... and being who you are isn't cutting it ... then you need to be prepared and willing to try something new.
If you are comfortable with yourself Southbound, then I wouldn't push you to do or change a blessed thing. But if you know there are things you would like to test-drive, or experience in your life ... then I would encourage you to do what you need to do, to go out and get them.
That's an issue concerning the home body thing. I feel like I can't be myself and be attractive to a lot of women. Goodness knows, everyone today wants to be on the go all the time.
I don't think EVERYONE is on the go, maybe it just seems that way -I bet alot is just hustling around chasing kids activities (this is probably why we get out the most).... There are women to be found who enjoy hanging out at home, watching movies, doing their home garden, taking great pride in their house & things like that, who may not thrive on the hustle & bustle.
Me & mine are both admitted Home Bodys..... I went out with Mr Excitment in my youth, had people jumping to slap his hand when he entered the bar, carousing all over the place... he wasn't for me.
I do think people are geared one way or the other though... Best to marry what you are, then you can joke about being boring together.
I'd rather be with someone who gets re-charged by spending time just hanging out on a swing talking about LIFE, watching the kids play nearby, cuddling up watching a movie together, walk outside to view a moonlight, get some needed work done ourselves, go pick berries in the backyard or lay around under a tree sharing a book together.
We don't have a boat, motorcyle, never joined a gym, don't go to bars, we'd probably be boring to many...we enjoy more Nature activities that only cost the gas to get us there ....like hiking, biking, swimming at the nearby State park and taking a picnic. Sometimes it's just the simple things....
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Southbound said: I've posted before about how I am happy being single, and I am. I'm not looking.
Beings you are in a small town where everyone knows each other's business, word has gotten around you feel this way...you know women gossip...some things are like Death & taxes! If she hears a man is available BUT he is not looking, but in fact HAPPY being single...well that is just a downer ... why would she approach him....... best to go where the fish want to bite! Noone wants to put themselves out there for a 95% chance rejection. Consider the next time your lady friend wants to hook you up...do a 180- surprise her, be daring and take her up on it..... If she asks again.
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Southbound said: I guess i just absorbed how i was raised. I was raised in a rural area and we were just common folks. My dad worked, my mom stayed home, and during the summer, I roamed the woods with my friend, rode bicycles, etc. We didn't have boats, campers, or spend weekends at the lake. Our little trips in the summer wouldn't exactly qualify as a vacation by today's standards. And the thing is, we were happy! As I look back, I had a very wonderful childhood.
My childhood was so very similar....add swimming in a nearby stripmine, filling the bed of a Chevy with a bunch of friends to a Big amusement park once a year, some Firehall Rock concerts and Fairs....that was our excitement. Great memories.
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Deejo said: Passion is important. Passion for, or about something. Doesn't matter if it's the collected works of the French Impressionists, stamp collecting, wood-working, or volunteering for your church.
Yes -- this is so true!! .... women will be entertained by a man showing Passion for his work, his dreams.....I think we all do....this perks our interest for sure. Anytime you run into someone who Loves what they do, what they set their hands, hearts, minds to.....they will talk & share with high enthusiam about it (they can't help it !).....with that sparkle in their eyes, you may even get inspired just listening to them...
I think of our Contractor.... nice older man, our last house project.... he wanted to share his new found Passion with us.....I swear he came off as though he found his destiny or something... he whipped out this notebook he carrys around in his truck...full of photos...he joined a group who travels around and does Civil War Reanactments, he plays General Lee...really gets into it, encouraged us to come sometime, we learned alot about General Lee as he was putting on some doors for us. He was filled with Passion. Funny we ran into him at a Fair a year later all decked out as General Lee.
Being a home body doesn't minus passion in one's life either...
I feel I have many passions...one I will mention is...I may not care to go out & party hardy/dancing it up, but I love hosting Large parties at our house for teens /youth groups....filling our yard with people, food, activity....giving our kids & their friends memories for a lifetime, building those connections.... That is connected to loving being a Mom. My husband's Passion I swear is wrapped up in me & the kids.. but I am not complaining about that! He has some other hobbies that are not mine. And some of mine are not his.
What is your passion Southbound? What excites you?? What are you good at and enjoy with your whole heart? Or want to be good at and R determined to master ?
Well, I am happy being single and I'm not putting myself out there, but I might try something if I met somebody. I have a female friend who is always mentioning fixing me up(just in general, she doesn't have a particular person in mind). I tell her I'm not interested, and she says she can't understand why women aren't showing interest. She says, "it's a small town and everybody knows your single now, I can't understand why someone isn't showing interest." I guess things have changed since I've been out of the dating scene for 20 years. I remember the days when girls would send word by someone that they were interested. Of course, they lost interest after a couple of dates, but, oh well.
I wonder how aware you are of your body language? For example do you not know that pointing the souls of your feet at people is considered at the least rude up to damn right insulting in some societies. It typically communicates an f you type attitude.
If you are doing it subconsciously, which I guess you are maybe you have other subconscious body language that keeps the women away from you.
I wonder how aware you are of your body language? For example do you not know that pointing the souls of your feet at people is considered at the least rude up to damn right insulting in some societies. It typically communicates an f you type attitude.
If you are doing it subconsciously, which I guess you are maybe you have other subconscious body language that keeps the women away from you.
WOW, that's a little rough!! Lay it on the line there AFEH !
But he DID say others feel intimidated by him...he has been told this....so one must wonder why this is. I am not sure quietness alone is enough. My husband is very quiet... but always smiling.... many people approach him and feel very comfortable talking to him. Sometimes I have to go rescue him even.
I never care to engage with anyone who can't , show some pleasantness, I get a bad vibe... even women, if they can't crack a happy looking face when looking at others...and appear approachable....I would just as soon pass them by, ignore they are in the room even, let them hang with their click if they have one.
There is a lady at our church like this, my husband started calling her "StoneFace" (just between us ...well our kids too-hope they never let that out of the bag) -cause our youngest son was near terrified of her for a time..
Speaking of being "passionate" about something, people have mentioned that a lot in the time I have been on this board, and it's been mentioned several times in this thread. Before coming to this forum, I honestly had "never" heard that mentioned as a point of attraction. That is totally a new one on me.
It seems to me that if two people don't share the same passion, it can be a point of annoyance. Although we didn't use the word "passionate" when i was a kid, I would have to say my dad was passionate about being outside in nature and doing things on the farm. If anything, I think it annoyed my mom more than anything.
As for me, I suppose my passion is classical country and rock music. I know that everyone likes music, but I like music history too. I usually know a lot of trivia behind songs, artists, etc, and I loved talking about them. When a niece got married once, they were trying to remember some country songs for the wedding, and guess who they called. I could probably pick any familiar artist and give you all their song releases in order and how high they got on the charts just off the top of my head. I used to talk with her family about it. My wife knew I loved that kind of thing, but i think it eventually annoyed her more than anything.
I also have a rep as being a good closet singer. I like gathering around with a group of guitar players and singing. I performed in front of our school once with a live band and the crowd loooved it. The band leader told me I got more applause than him and he had been doing it for 20 years; however, when people would talk to my wife about how good it was, she acted like it annoyed her.
WOW, that's a little rough!! Lay it on the line there AFEH !
But he DID say others feel intimidated by him...he has been told this....so one must wonder why this is. I am not sure quietness alone is enough. My husband is very quiet... but always smiling.... many people approach him and feel very comfortable talking to him. Sometimes I have to go rescue him even.
I never care to engage with anyone who can't , show some pleasantness, I get a bad vibe... even women, if they can't crack a happy looking face when looking at others...and appear approachable....I would just as soon pass them by, ignore they are in the room even, let them hang with their click if they have one.
There is a lady at our church like this, my husband started calling her "StoneFace" (just between us ...well our kids too-hope they never let that out of the bag) -cause our youngest son was near terrified of her for a time..
Well I guess there may be some women who are attracted to a man who has a superior, p off and ultra critical attitude who is totally unprepared to take any risk whatsoever to ask them out and do some romancing and courtship.
If I remember correctly it was his XW who did all the chasing. Seems like he’s just laying back waiting for the exact same thing to happen all over again! But it will take more or less the exact same version of a woman as his ex wife to do that!
He’s even repeating the same patterns of behaviour (or non behaviour) that happened at school! We’re supposed to learn from our mistakes, not to continuously repeat them throughout our lifetime.
I think I'd like to offer my opinion.. I only read the first page and last page of comments, so I apologize if there's any repeat info.
There's a fundamental flaw in the premise of asking what women want to hear. The words that come out of a woman's mouth or get typed by their fingers are not to be relied upon - as much as they might be saying their honest feeling in response, there's more to it and a certain amount of mystery they leave just because they'd more enjoy getting what they want if men didn't have to be told out-right.
It's not what you say, that matters very little, it's how you say it. "What do you want" will get a default answer along the lines of, at best, "I don't know" and at worst "nothing." You may think you're saying "I'll do whatever you want." But they're hearing "You don't matter enough to me to already know what I want."
Women want someone desirable, and if you have something about you that women desire all you have to do is invite them to join in to the enjoyment of it. "I'm going to go get a coffee, would you like to join me?" is pretty likely to get a default answer of yes unless you're asking a woman who is repulsed by coffee.
And THEN don't only depend on whether she answers yes or no. Because often, women just don't answer yes/no questions with yes or no - and even if they do, no does not mean no in the simple literal sense that we men understand it. This is where you need to read body language and facial expression, because you aren't just offering a cup of coffee, you're offerring time with you and they might not have time for the cup of coffee, but a no said with a smile and posturing to up her attractiveness might be saying yes to you, and if you miss that cue then you'll come across as someone that won't listen to them - and you walk away worse off than when you initiated the conversation.
I figured a lot of this out recently, and I only use this knowledge on my wife - but it has worked very well, and it seems to give me a way out of misreading her responses as I used to.. If I ask her something and she declines, but she giggles - then I know that she still liked something about the request, and instead of throwing the baby out with the bathwater, I can appreciate her for the part she did like or try to pursue that with a smile on my face.
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The thread linked below is about as close as I get to my story, it has my posts about the point where I turned my marriage around and on the day my wife was planning to move out, instead we started a new beginning. I've been keeping my updates in this thead as well: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-sex-life.html
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Re: The skill of what women want to hear 
.... women will be entertained by a man showing Passion for his work, his dreams.....I think we all do....this perks our interest for sure. Anytime you run into someone who Loves what they do, what they set their hands, hearts, minds to.....they will talk & share with high enthusiam about it (they can't help it !).....with that sparkle in their eyes, you may even get inspired just listening to them...
