Husband and I have been married 20 year and at no time in this marriage has it been easy, or have a found him to be invoved. He has always kept me at arm's length. Always patting himself on the back for his calm personailty while pointing out my difficulties. Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall, we can agree and then he goes and does whatever he wants. We were in counseling several years back due to his porn addiction....he beleived it was fine for him to view naked ladies and have chats with ladies online, he actually told me this. He sought out girls in his office to flirt with and all the while thru all of this I am the one trying to make things work, trying to communicate, trying to keep the home together, raise the kids and balance my own career. I have always been the one going to him for everything....to talk, to have an idea on what to do or where to go, even sex. Otherwise he is absorbed in his own world, an untouchable world that I obvious have no part of. Many time I have threatened to leave but as soon as I do he is begging me back, saying he just doesn't understand what I need. Basically I have told him I just need to know you care, that you love me and that you want to spend time with me. It may alst 2 weeks, he'sll actually put forth and effort and then it all ends again, over and over again.
I ran across an article about passive aggressive men and how they withhold sex, this is so my husband. He claims he doesn't see my interest, that he knows that I wasn't interested, the list goeson- always my fault. Even when I correct his thoughts, it never makes a difference.
Earlier this month we spent the weekend out of town. Our child had to stay with friends and I thought this would be the perfect chance for him to initiate some sort of intimacy, well it did not happen. In the 23 years we have been together he has probably only inititates sex with me a dozen times. Those times I have either been sick, it's been the middle of the night but he has never been one to comfortably enage for the pleasure of being with me. When we do have sex, there is no closeness, it seems very ritual or matter of fact. Over and over again I have asked him if he fears intamcy and if getting close makes him uncomortabel as this is what I sense and then again he turns it on me, saying he sensing that from me but he does not see himself this way. So we never have any real conversations, it's always dumped on me.
We are in counseling. Counselor has not actually labeled husband as passive-agressive but we did take a test that showed what type of personailty we each are. My personaity is the one who engages with people, the helper, the listener, the loving one who likes to be around family and friends. He was the person who relationships mean nothing, he is literal and thinks fo his wants and desires. The counselor basically let him know I was ready to walk because he was not able to extend anykind of loving gestures my direction. I think when nhe hears this kind of thing he gets defensive and thinks it would be fine for me to leave. Counselor then told husband that he would not be able to replace me and then he changed his whole attitude and asked for her help. He tried and I have to admit I have been resistant because I know as soon as I give he will stop all togethr, that's just the way he works. A couple weeks have gone by and we are back in the same boat. He CANNOT give. He does not know how to love anyone more than himself. He has no compassion for others.
Sad thing in all of this is I have gotten very used to the song and dance of a very sick situation. We have a child yet at home and I do not want her crushed by a divorce but I do not know how much more I can take of this.
Your story does sound alot like mine but why are you now fed up? I have been at that point more than a couple times by now. What is it about right now that you are ready to have him change? Mine claims emotional stupidity in that he cannot describe emotions or always see them in others so I have to give very detailed requests for him to fulfill [like 2 date nights/month, etc]. I also know that when he is confused he does nothing so he will not get into trouble. I am not making excuses or saying this is acceptable, its just the way my h system works, as best as I can tell. If you know why this situation is really bothering you now, you might be able to figure out the good, bad, and ugly with the two of you.
Muttgirl, it is not just a matter of now that it is bothering me. It bothered me even before we were married and I would ask him of his feelings. I would try to hold his hand and he would drop it and when I asked why he would tell me that he just does not like to hold hands or display affection in public. I told him I loved him the first time, he told me he couldn't say it. I went over 22 years without being told I was loved except thru cards, email or a text. He couldn't say it to my face.
It's my understanding that women who live with this kind of lack of intimacy/engagement/connect normally come from family where they were given very little from their parents and they learn to accept the lack of love in these men. In no part has this been healthy though.
It's more than just the touching, caring and the day to day nicities that are lacking. This is a man who had custody of his 2 sons when we met. He was busy with his career and bio mom really was absent from pic. I took on the role of caring and being mommy to these boys along with my children. I struggled to get him involved with his own children. He'd tell me to just take care of situations and then when I did he would tell me it wasn't the way he would handle it. When he did handle a situation it would not be as we agreed and he would mix things around and say something to indicate that I was not pleased or the request was coming from me so he alwasy looked like the good guy. This caused huge rifts between me and my stepsons. I would question his actions and there was always an excuse of some sort
When his youngest son's wife was due to have a baby I asked when she was due, got no actual date. I didn't know it but stepson contacted his dad and let him know the baby was born. 3 weeks later realizing what month she was due I asked husband if he had heard any word and then he fed me an email he had received from his son. So I congratulated her and got this very hostile email back calling me a liar, that I had been told, no way my husband would not tell me and she didn't believe I found out via email. She told me I was the grandmother and she was hurt that I wasn't there. So basically I was blamed again for something that I did not do. Did my husband correct that with his son and wife? NO! I tried to explain and it was not received. I did get to meet the little girl but we were told we would never know her and have not seen her since. She will be 3 this summer.
The whole marriage has seemed like a living nightmare. I really get the feeling the man holds terrible grudges for me. How do you go a year without initiating sex with your wife? That is very troublesome!
We sound very similar. It almost sounds like he has control issues and wants to manipulate you. 20 yrs in and resentment builds about different things but Im sorry he felt like hurting the bond between your daughter in law and granddaughter. That is just cruel.
my mother in law is pass agg too and the only way I seem to deal with her is face her head on. She makes snide comments, answer them or tell her how rude she is. He sucks you into a conversation where he twists it to be "good guy you tell him good guys behave with care and respect, not deceit and lies. I know this wont change him, but you must take the power out of his false words and ideas. You stand up to his bullying and maybe he wont be so "right" all the time.
I would say just leave he is not going to change, does he sulk also my estranged husband did that all he time, oh and tit for tat, never heard that expression before i met him, i'm sure he devised so many punishments for me, haha he bought me christmas presents and took them home with him and didn't bother saying goodbye.
they do get angry but mostly it is all internal, when he actually did get angry it was dangerous to be around him.
My exH is PA. I tried like hell to get him to work on it but of course with PA people that's just one more thing to be PA about. He would get mad at me about something and not tell me for days or just hours, gave the silent treatment, pouted, sulked, refused to communicate about the simplest of things. I would threaten to leave and suddenly he would start treating me better, then it could be a week, a month, a year. He would act nice when he wanted something and once he had it that was it, back to being a jerk again.
I don't know what to tell you except that for me I knew it was better for her to grow up seeing me strong and happy instead of with a distant angry man who made me feel worthless. Posted via Mobile Device
i just recently discovered my husband is passive aggressive...we have been married for three years and its beena total nightmare a constant battle...
my husband womanises alot..he knows i dont like it and we argue like anything but he still continues....im 33 and hes 35 i want kids but he seems to be care free about it..he sperm count is a little low still he seems to just 'not care'.
I have told him i've had enough and want to leave but he has rewarded me with him being more helpful around the house and wanting to have sex with me...(protected sex)
What happened with your stepson, his wife and daughter was absolutely inexcusable in my eyes.
However, it's good that you're both going to counselling and you appear to have done everything you can to bring some normality to your situation. Only you will know when it's time to move on and, if you do eventually feel this is the thing to do, then at least you will know you did everything you could to make things work.
In the meantime, you actually don't have to be miserable. Just as he has taken the decision to be distant and passive aggressive, you have a choice (AND a responsibilty) to make yourself happy and content rather than settle for feeling dejected and wanting. And you can make yourself happier despite him continuing to treat you the same unfeeling way. Have a take a look at the link below which centres on how to deal with silent treatment, but I think the methods described could help you feel more empowered rather than overwhelmed with your situation.
You are in a horrible situation but please be positive and work on changing yourself and resolve to rise above his passive aggressive actions because just like anyone else, you deserve to be happy.
Refuse to let the B*gger get you down because for some perverse reason this is what he wants. You, however, do not have to go along with it. Looks like you have spent a lifetime in trying to change him (sadly I've been there) but now I believe you need to divert that energy into changing yourself into a happier and more self-sufficient person instead of depending upon him for your peace of mind and happiness.