I've "caught" my husband meeting up with men online for 'mutual pleasure' either by cam and now by actually meeting them and 'enjoying' each other. He's been doing this for a while, I've confronted him twice. This is the third time I've caught him, but unlike previous occasions I haven't yet confronted him.
I am very open to any kind of sexual fun, we have been to what we call 'naughty parties' and I don't have a problem with anyone's apparently odd proclivities; live and let live, I say. But just as long as no one gets hurt, and clearly I am hurting.
This time I've set up a 'sting' to catch him: he is clueless as to how the computer and his iphone work and how easy it is for me to check. Of course, I am suspicious of his every move, watching all his moves, and I hate being like this. I can access his private hotmail account and I also pay the bills so I know the numbers he's texted and can match them to the men he's meeting. I have set up an account on one of the local bisexual sites that he frequents, with all the things he 'enjoys' in his men; within one day he had sent me a 'wink' to say he liked this pretend me.
He thinks I don't know, and takes the trouble to delete the messages off his phone but, of course, I can get the details whenever I want. I know this morning he was off to meet one of his buddies because I know the physical signs (don't ask) and he was keen to get me out of the house for a while so he could meet him. I love him, and he loves me, but I don't think I can live with this sneaking around and the mislaid trust it brings.
The first time his dalliances were an issue was with women: I guess now he's enjoying the mutual masturbation with no strings that he can get with me. Our sex life has plummeted to nothing, I don't want to have sex with him now and he never makes a move on me any more.
Do I confront him again, hope that we can agree on a solution, or just accept that my requirements re trust are more important and make plans to leave?
Re: He meets men to mutually masturbate each other
Have you let him now how hurt you are by his sneaking around and behavior? Have you two really discussed this? Were there any boundaries set up at any point in time?
Re: He meets men to mutually masturbate each other
Yes, we have discussed this openly before. I explained that this is hurtful, not the doing of it (so to speak) but the sneaking around. The last time which was only about 2 months ago, he agreed that it wasn't something he would do, and he asked me whether he thought I would be able to trust him again. At that time we both said that it would simply be time passing with no secrecy and sneaking.
When I found out he was sleeping with women I was really distraught; again we discussed it openly. He has never denied his behaviour, but each time has been an excuse: first it was because he was hoping to find some 'naughty parties' for us, then it was because he was concerned about penis size (the usual man issue!), then when he switched to me it was to satisfy his curiosity (but he lied about his experiences with the men), then it was because he was bored...
I can't imagine what his excuse will be this time! It's the lying and the trust breaking that is what hurts most.
Re: He meets men to mutually masturbate each other
It doesn't sound like he's being very respectful toward you.. and it seems as if, don't take this the wrong way, your enabling his behavior by allowing him to think it's ok to push and push and push. After all.. why should he feel too remorseful if you so willingly forgive and forget? Thats just what it's seeming like to me.. from your posts. He seems to really be taking advantage of you.. and your letting him.
Re: He meets men to mutually masturbate each other
Maybe you're right. I anticipate he will be remorseful yet again, but he will probably continue this behaviour. And it doesn't sit well with me, clearly, so perhaps it's time to stop giving him more chances.
Maybe you're right. I anticipate he will be remorseful yet again, but he will probably continue this behaviour. And it doesn't sit well with me, clearly, so perhaps it's time to stop giving him more chances.
No offense, but gee, you think so? He's continuing his behavior because there's no consequences to it. If you want it to stop, it's time to lay down some boundaries and make darn sure you enforce them. Otherwise he will continue to lose respect for you.
Re: He meets men to mutually masturbate each other
While he's meeting for mutal masterbation, you have no idea what they are really doing.
His behavior is very high risk. Have you been getting tested for STD's?
What are you going to do when he shows up to meet your fake character?
Are you prepared to file for divorce. He's not going to change for you. He will just go more under ground. He has not changed yet.. he just changes his mo.
My bet is that he likes the excitement of this type of meetup. This is something that you cannot give him. It's all legit with you.
The next level is to go to a meetup type that is harder to trace ... like bathrooms.
Re: He meets men to mutually masturbate each other
Well, I guess it's time to quit! I am getting tested for STDs tomorrow. You're right - I've been too forgiving... time to forget now. I guess the issue now is how to extricate myself financially from 'us' and set up a new life. I spent a long time looking for someone I could share my life with after nearly 30 years of being single; I wasn't going to settle for just anyone, wanted to find someone who would 'make my socks roll up and down' and with whom I had lots in common. I forgot to also look for someone trustworthy :~)
Re: He meets men to mutually masturbate each other
Quote:
Originally Posted by squiggle10
I guess the issue now is how to extricate myself financially from 'us' and set up a new life.
See an attorney ASAP to find out your rights and plan forward.
Open up bank accounts in your name only. Move everything you can over to them that he will not notice. Us an address for these accounts other than your home address.
On the day he will be served divorce papers, move half of everything from joint accounts into your new accounts. You will have to keep good records in case he tries to challenge you for doing this in court.
Perhaps have him served with the divorce papers when he shows up for the mutual hand job with your fake character? It would definitely be one of those times when nothing further needed to be said. Just a thought.
Re: He meets men to mutually masturbate each other
Mmmm, well we don't really have much so that's not an issue! I live in Australia so we don't have the 'serve you' kind of thing here. I have my own accounts now, but the issue will be division of property. While I don't anticipate he will become nasty, I have clearly been taken by surprise on this issue so anything is possible!
Although I'm not a vicious person by nature I do feel like I will go ahead with catching him out with his new 'friend' (i.e. me). It will give me a little satisfaction after going through this nonsense, to see his face collapse in shock.
Re: He meets men to mutually masturbate each other
I wouldn't even confront him again. I'd walk out that door... hell, no, I 'd RUN out that door & never go back.
Definitely get tested for STD, aids, & HIV. NOT something to mess around with. My guess is maybe the first couple times he met to "mutually masturbate" that's maybe what happened. But I would almost bet that it has progressed from there. There's no way he is gonna stop now.
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He meets men to mutually masturbate each other 
Re: He meets men to mutually masturbate each other 
