Victoria

Hey there.
My fiance and I are getting married on May 23. His father just passed away on March 1st. And surprisingly my 25 year old fiance still lives at home. So to comfort his mother we are planning to live with her for somewhere under a year. Actually some family member-his aunt, says we should stay 2 years. LOL. That's highly unlikely. My fiance's mom has waited on him hand and foot for 25 years. When I first met her-two years ago, she complained about having to clean James' room. So I started demanding that he help out around the house more, and thankful he does.

Just recently I told James to start doing his own clothes, because it's ridiculous that his mom still does them anyway. Also I want him to learn some responsibility for when we move out. I also told his mom I wanted him to do his own clothes and for her to stop washing for him. She washes them anyway and when James asks her, "Mom why did you wash my clothes, you know Victoria wants me do that now?" She replied, "Just don't tell her."

I am already afraid of marriage for all of the common reasons. Now I'm concerned that I'm marrying a mommas boy. And I'm afraid that his mom is coming between us. I almost broke it off twice, because of arguments about his mom. Also we are so happy together-ordinarily. And I do love him.

Does any one have any advice? Sorry if I rambled on- I just woke up. Also I was very angry upon waking, because I can only think about how disrespectful his mom is being to me.

TNgirl232

I would find a place close to his mothers, but don't live with her. Starting a new marriage is hard enough without someone else living in your shadow and being involved in your figuring each other out. There NEEDS to be space. He does sound like a momma's boy and it sounds as if she might enjoy that fact. He definetly won't change by staying there. I doubt it will be only for a few months, I have a feeling that a date to move out will always be "soon".

Good Luck!

marina72

that is disrespectful. she is butting in, it will cause problems, as you stated, it already has.

my advice, do not live with her. Tell your fiancee that you just cannot do it. this will only end in disaster , at least that is my opinion.

if you must live with her, set some ground rules. and if she tells your hubby not to "tell you" when she does those things... then make sure your hubby knows that he needs to tell you, his Loyalty is to You first, not his mom.

Momma's boy??? yes... clearly.

ultimately, a messy inlaw, can ruin a marriage, especially a new one.

consider if this is truly a good idea. If she can't be respectful, and stop doing his clothes like he's a 5 year old boy, especially if you have both asked her not to, then she's butting in, and not respecting his, or your wishes. this is a recipe for real trouble.

If she wants company, then she's going to have to be more amiable, and respect you, and her son.

Also, consider that if you do move in with her, after the wedding... even if you try to leave after the one year period. The likelyhood that she will try to get you and her son to stay..... I would say it's pretty likely.

This just sounds like a bad idea all together. I would really ask your fiancee, if there is any way you can live on your own, and just go visit her a lot.

is this possible?

revitalizedhusband

No way shape or form should you get married and live with your MIL for the first year.

That's marraige suicide.

You could find a place close, but no way should you move in.

I understand his dad just died, that's why I'd say finding a place close is ok, even really close for now is ok (couple houses down, within a mile, etc).

However, even if it was strictly financial (you guys couldn't afford to live alone) then I'd still say a huge NO. Save your money until you can live alone and THEN get married.

There are times people lose jobs, etc and have to move in with their parents while married, it happens. I've had to do it even with 2 kids at the time.

However, to START OFF that way on purpose? No way. She will butt in and get in the way of your marriage and you two will end in divorce.

Just my opinion.

Deejo

Despite the best of intentions under whatever circumstances, moving in with family, or having family move in with you, is a bad idea. It can be rationalized for all of the right reasons, and at face value seems to make perfect sense; family supports family, right? Yes, you want to provide support and assistance, but not under the same roof.

You are to be married and beginning a shared life together. It will be all but impossible for the two of you to find a working dynamic as a married couple, living in his mother’s house.

Ask your spouse to be, what he hopes to accomplish by living under the same roof? What does he do to support her now? Hell, let’s be honest, who wants this? Him? Her? Both? It is highly unlikely that your presence will provide any difference in how his mother deals with her grief.

You are in an unenviable position. My advice would be to put the wedding on hold. The wedding is immaterial. The event is simply the spectacle. It’s what starts to happen the day after the spectacle that makes a marriage. Far better to pull the plug, or put the wedding on hiatus, than to marry, move in, and discover within six months that you want out.


I am personally familiar with three circumstances where family reached out to support other family members that were struggling. Not one of them had a positive outcome. Every relationship suffered severe damage, in spite of trying to do the right thing.

justean

my H ws 26 when he met me. we had all of your moments.
OMG im marrying a mammas boy.
but 14 yrs later and i suppose i have to be considerate. he ws an only child, it was her upbringin tht brought about her values and reasonings. women were the home makers etc and the men went out to work.
i promise she is stil like it today.
trouble is your fella is stil reliant to a point , because he knows no different either.
i dont think living with her will help you as a young married couple who want time together , other than financially.
it wil be very difficult , especially if she interferes.
i was lucky my MIL ws pretty good, and when i felt she was outta line, she got put back on track.
my own poor childrens GF dont stand a chance with me. lol.

a couple of months is adequate to help you get sorted. id say 6 months max, but in that time actually find a place.

but truth is you wil get probs all the time.

Alecram

DON'T DO IT!!
I'm telling you from my own experience that it sucks to live with the MIL. In my case, my dh lives with HIS MIL, my mother. We got married and he moved in to my house because I co-own it with my mother (mom and I bought it before I even met him). She's single and I'm her only child therefore I don't want her to live alone, so he knew from day one that she would have to live with us wherever we lived. He's a very understanding and patient man. However, I promise you that it is not easy and living with her has been the topic of many arguments between him and I.

She had always promised never to butt in between me and whoever I would someday marry. Nope. She butts in one way or another. For example, sometimes she'll complain to me about stuff he's not fixing around the house and how I don't make him do these things, and then I have to defend him even though she's right. All of this stuff creates tension between all of us and it's not pleasant.

I know how uncomfortable he feels since he's in HER territory--he feels like the minority. Our marriage would be so much better if we lived alone.

You said that you will be moving in with her, well you should know that you will have no say and no control over her actions
because you will be on HER turf playing by HER rules, period. If him and his mom don't own property together or anything like that, then you should definitely go off and live alone.

BTW--he IS a momma's boy. I know because his living conditions under his mom's roof sound just like my husband's before I married him. He's still a momma's boy. My MIL can get away with almost anything because he doesn't stand up to her even when she's wrong. That's the power moms have over their momma's boy. Thank God I don't live with HIS momma.

Anyway, don't do it if you want your marriage to survive.

GAsoccerman

I agree Don't do it, have her stay in her own place, visit her often, but she needs to do this on her own....moving in is a disaster, you will be a babbysitter, you will NOT be happy

MsLady

Yikes, don't do it.

My advice to you is to postpone the wedding. If she needs her son living with her to help her during the mourning process and he wants to do that, that's their choice, but I don't recommend you start your married life living with her. Also, it sounds like there are bigger issues of her being disrespectful to you and him being infantilized (he can outgrow that but many people don't and you will have a momma's boy on your hands looking for YOU to be his momma). I would ask him that after he's done helping his mother through mourning (ridiculous he has to live with her to do that, IMO), that he move out on his own and work at being somewhat independent before you marry him.

I know that's probably suggesting too many changes and too much waiting for you guys ... but marriage is for a long, long, long time and it's worth the wait to make sure he's the man you want ... not the one you're going to work on to turn into the man you want. Two VERY different things and the latter is a downhill battle.

I'd say a man that dependent on, and co-dependent with, his momma is not ready to get married.

Victoria

Well, I told him that we couldn't get married. He is very angry with me and dosn't want to see me. I told him that I want to marry him but just not now. He is very upset and he thinks that he is right and I am wrong about the whole living with his mom thing. He says that I need to grow up and understand that his situation is different. I can't sleep, because he basically hates me and refuses to see me and he can't help say mean things to me. He treats me like I'm horrible.

Victoria

I was going to say something else but I forgot. Thanks to you all though. Everything you said does make sense. I just don't know if we are going to make it...

Victoria

Also he's very angry about being called a momma's boy. He just graduated college when he was 23, so does that still make him a MB? Even if he isn't one...I moved out when I was 18, because I wanted my independence. Another reason I don't want to live with his mother.

Alecram

Victoria, you have balls. Not many people do what you did for fear of losing the other person even though they would be better off. It took guts and mature resolve on your part to make a stand like that. In my opinion, you DID grow up and he still hasn't.

If your BF/Fiance doesn't come around and realize that you are right, then he simply doesn't want to change and will rather lose you. On the other hand, if he truly cherishes your relationship and wants to keep you, then he will understand that he will need to let go of his momma's apron strings and at least reach a compromise, like living not too far from her or something. Rather simplistic rationalizations, but that's how I would see things.

Anyway, don't look back and be strong for yourself. Also, don't lose hope either. I'm sure he's mulling everything over in his head and maybe even obsessing over it. I know he'll come around.

Please keep us posted.

Good luck!!

oceanbreeze

Hmmmm....my fiance was also mama's boy, 3 grandma's boys (mom/dad/stepmom), 20 aunts's boy, and grandpa's boy. So he is really really really controlled since I have met him. and being withhim was the toughest crap in my life.

Now, since he got kicked out since December 2008 of his father's home, he has kind of grown up. but we still have the problem of his mom popping up over nearly every weekend and hanging in our apartment. It really upsets me because I do not like her being there and her presence is just really uncomfortable. I prefer this rather than he living with them in any of their households from his aunties, mom, dad, stepmom, grandparents. Even though no matter what there is interference, but less of it no matter how hard they try.

I really admire your guts and strength to move out at the age of 18 and to recognize what you are dealing with now with your fiance rather than living in false hopes that things could change.

burnsrunner

I would seriously recommend you reading "The Mother-in-Law Manual," by Susan Lieberman. I cannot recommend this book enough. I had such big problems with my mother-in-law. Control issues, judging me all the time, and I seriously think she even tried to poison me once. My sister saved me by handing me this book. She told me that I had to read it, and that my mother-in-law had to read it. Literally just a month later, I saw almost a complete change in her attitude towards me. It was a little freaky, but very cool.