oldfashonguy

here is an interesting problem : we have two kids -5 and 18 months old , it has always seemed like i am the one running after them to not get hurt like stopping them from climbing on things etc. i have never tried to see what would happen if i didn't "save " them all the time because i obviously don't want my kids to get hurt. we recently added a second floor to the house and i haven't got one of those gates for the stairs yet ( i know i should). so yesterday i went in to the bathroom to save and got the feeling my 1.5 year old son was climbing the stairs i ran out and just caught him as he was falling my wife was siting right there like 3 feet away and she hadn't noticed that he was climbing . i had told her i was in the bathroom and that she had to keep an eye on the kids . this has happened many times withe the oven and other dangerous thing in the house, when i confront her about this she gets all defensive and says that the kids aren't suppose to be doing that or that she is tired as if that is an excuse when your kid gets Hurt. she wants to have more kids and i don't because i just don't trust her. can someone explain this to me?

Maricha75

1. What is she doing when she is not keeping an eye on the kids?
2. You say she uses the excuse of being tired. I admit, NOT an excuse to not notice what they are doing, but does she get restful sleep at night?
3. Has she always been this way? Even when the firstborn was a baby?
4. Has she showed ANY signs of depression or anything else?

Granted, it could be simply laziness, but the above questions COULD point to something wrong with her, which will affect her ability to parent properly. Been there, done that myself, as well as my hubby at one time.

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diwali123

That sounds like my exH. I don't know how people can have no parental instincts. I too wonder if she has other signs of emotional or mental problems. Do you have gates? They help a lot with climbing.
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diwali123

Oh sorry you said you don't have gates yet.
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Drover

Step 1. Childproof your house. Just get the dang gates.

Step 2. Parenting classes.

livelaughlovenow

From a woman... some women, I have met one or two, do not have the mothering instincts.. .however that being said, is it possible she has untreated post partum depression? Yes it can go on longer than a year if left untreated, does she stay home with the kids all day??? or does she work outside the home? Does she (like others asked) have any other mental illness issues? or is she on any medication for anxiety that might make her a little more carefree than normal? Have you talked to her about this at all, not saying you don't trust her, but about the combined issues of dangers and your concerns that she isnt' paying attention enough? Have there ever been any serious accidents in her care with the kids?

oldfashonguy

answers to all the questions above:
-she does not sleep well at all , i have been trying for years to get her to see a doctor about it but she wont
-she is not doing anything that would distract her when shes watching the kids so that can't be it.
-during both pregnancies we consulted psychiatrist about her feeling anxiety about the baby's wellbeing and she is always looking for a reason for me to take the kids to the doctor.
-it seems like she has some form of anxiety disorder but she won't go and have it diagnosed properly.she is a defiant germaphob.
-any time i try and speak with her about her mental health or how she watches the kids she starts screaming at me that i am always criticizing her , if i don;t give up she starts crying and locks herself in the bathroom.
up till now no one has been hurt , i take full credit for this.

i don't know how to talk to her about this .

Little Bird

This might be a long shot... but how does she interact with your children? Is she warm/happy/comforting/loving/calm with them?

It may be possible that she has been suffering from postnatal depresssion (which I think Maricha75 was referring to?). Her lack of awareness over your kids, extreme sensitivity emotionally and in particular the insomnia/trouble sleeping are all key 'flags' of postnatal depression.

I don't want you to be alarmed or think I'm jumping the gun or anything, but I do suggest you consult a doctor about your wife's behaviour. If you want, there is a self-assessment 'test' for depression here: Postnatal Depression - Symptoms - NHS Choices

But a professional is obviously better...

In the mean time, make sure you child proof your house thoroughly.

When was the last time you and your wife had a day's break? Is there a family member/close friend you can leave your kids with for the day? Perhaps a relaxing 'day off' will calm your wife long enough to open up a bit and then you can talk to her more deeply without worrying about where the kids are climbing.

I wish you both the best... and as alarming as it sounds, please do check out postnatal depression as a possibility; sometimes these things do just 'happen' but if it's left untreated, it can become a long-term problem.

diwali123

Sounds like depression to me.
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turnera

She definitely has a mental condition. IIWY, I'd first ask her family to help you get her help. If they won't/can't, I would go to your family doctor and tell him/her and ask for some sort of intervention. If that fails, start filming her; get enough evidence that you think the children are in danger and move out with them until she gets help. Tell her parents what you're doing and why. Show them the films.

Maricha75

Without using that term, yes, I alluded to it. I remember I actually developed it when my son was about 2 years old. I mean, I was anxious about what he did, where he was, etc. But I didn't pay as close attention as I should have at that time. We lived in a second floor apartment. There was a gate, but it wasn't sturdy. It wasn't a true baby-gate. My son opened it, and fell halfway down a flight of stairs... because he was climbing down them. It wasn't that I was not watching him. I was down the hall, and didn't realize he had gone down there. Anyway, that incident triggered post-natal depression, which seemed to be lying dormant for those two years. This was how the doctor explained it. He put me on Paxil, and I felt better.

She does need to get checked out. You NEED to get her into the doctor, even if she doesn't want to go. It doesn't matter what SHE wants at this point. It is about you KIDS' SAFETY.

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