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Originally Posted by Veryfaithfulwife  DTO, I have been asking from the very beginning for my needs to be met in the bedroom. My dh is so bloody stubborn that he flat out refuses to even close his eye's while he kisses me. Silly request maybe, but to me a kiss should be felt, not watched. I feel closing the eyes allows you to experience the full sense of lips on lips and you have a better chance of being consumed by the moment leading to further passion, but dh is always so on guard and afraid that he might get hurt that he cannot even give me this simple request.
I also have no desire to be put on a pedestal by my husband. I work hard to provide him with a warm and welcoming home and I do my darnedest to raise our 1 soon to be 2 children. Dh does work off shore and is away for a month at a time, I hold up my end of the bargain by keeping everything running smoothly and dealing with any crisis that come up in his absence. I'm not a princess style, high maintenance wifezilla. I am just sick to death of having bad sex and then being punished for daring to ask for a better quality of intimacy. One thing he said a long time ago when this problem was first occurring was that in his mind the quantity of sex was far more important than the quality of the sex. I cannot and will not ever agree to this. No way, no how! While I am all up for the odd quickie, that was all our sex life had become. I do have sex with my husband, not as often as he would like no but I do put out and have our entire marriage, thing is I have never experienced him reciprocating with a night of passion to satisfy my desires. Romance is laughed at and intimacy is avoided at all cost.
Whats a girl to do? |
I think the root of this is that you both have to accept that your individual preferences are equally valid and strive to equally benefit from sex. To get more of what you want you have to give him more of what he wants.
Now for some specifics:
Saying "I hold up my end of the bargain by keeping everything running smoothly and dealing with any crisis that come up in his absence" reflects poorly on you. This says you see sex as a bonus - his needs ultimately are his problem. The reality that frequency is low in deference to you, and you still insist on a "you centered" experience solidifies this perception.
Also, making that statement is unfair to him and diminishes his contribution to the family. Working offshore for a month at a stretch probably means he works 12 hour days during that month. He could counter that you get to sleep in a warm cozy home, without having to worry about bills while he's in a dorm for a month at a time having to keep himself going and provide for you and the children. If you don't think bearing responsibility for the bills being paid every month is a heavy burden, try it some time. He could easily say "you would not have this house to maintain if I did not bust my butt offshore for a month at a time - you need to be more appreciative".
By saying you will accept only occassional quickies, you are severely limiting your opportunities for sex. You guys already cannot have sex for half the year because he works offshore. No doubt you both are tired when he is back in town and he needs to rest so he can do his next month's stint. Then I'm sure he wants to do stuff as a family (non-sexual). Ultimately, his time with his family is limited and you seem to insist that sexual encounters be oriented toiwards your needs. In this scenario, when does HE get to be the priority?
You say the sexual frequency has not been what he would like. Has this been a constant throughout the marriage or a more recent development as you have become increasingly dissatisfied with your sex life? Would you be willing to have more sex the way your H wants if he has more sex the way you want (BTW, your H thinks the answer to this question is "no")? Or, are you a fairly LD person who expects him to adjust to you?
Remember that when you say you insist on a better quality of sex, you mean that you insist on WHAT YOU PERCEIVE TO BE a better quality of sex. Treating it like an objective "right vs. wrong" type of thing ignores this subjectivity. He has already told you that his perception of quality differs from yours. Do you acknowledge his perceptions and offer, say, a 50 / 50 split?
You say that you do not expect to be put on a pedestal. But, that is not entirely accurate. You seem to expect that your sexual needs be pre-eminent and that his satisfaction come within the bounds of what you accept sexually. I don't see a willingness to have his needs come first on a regular basis. That is precisely what being put on a pedestal is, and you're doing it.
So, what would I recommend you do? Guarantee him more sex the way he wants if you get more the way you want. Surprise him (assuming he hasn't read this) by saying something like "H, if you love me up and romance me for a night when you come into town, I will knock your socks of with a couple of righteous BJs before you have to leave again", and follow through with it. I can't imagine he would refuse. I acknowledge this means you may put more ongoing effort into his sexual needs than you thought. But, there's nothing wrong with that; marriage should be about you both getting more by investing in each other, not about one of you getting more because the other gets less.
If you will not implement my suggestion (or some variation thereof), then your best bet is to be upfront with your H. Simply acknowledge that you have little interest in having sex his way and that either he needs to have sex your way or get used to low levels of sex. Don't smooth it over by saying that the sexual problems are his fault if you know that there are no circumstances under which you would have sex the way he wants. He will respect you more for being honest than if you tried to blameshift or avoid the issue.
Best of luck to you both.
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Re: Defining a "normal" attitude 
