Anyone who is or was in abusive relationship should read
"why does he do that?"
It's been four years since I got away from my ex and I'm still seeing the extent of his cruelty. This book just validated so much for me: that they choose this behavior because they believe they are entitled to act this way because you belong to them. All the crap about an anger problem, drugs, losing control, intimacy issues is debunked in this book written by a man with 15 years of experience rehabbing abusive men.
Also goes into why traditional counseling, both individual and marriage makes an abuser worse. It helped me realize why our MC was such a horrible experience.
Also could see that so much of what he has done post filing is textbook: telling me I've been abused so much by my father I see everything as abuse, we abused each other, I have an anger issue, I was the one with the problem. How he pitted all our friends against me and started seeing and sleeping with my matron of honor. How he has used our child to get to me, how he uses money to get to me, how he saw me as a servant and expected his life to continue as normal when we had our daughter.
It is helping me heal and become stronger even though it's stil hard to believe after four years I'm still healing! Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Anyone who is or was in abusive relationship should read
Couple counseling with an abuser rarely works. Abusers are adept at manipulating the counselor and use things discussed during therapy to abuse further.
Healing from an abusive relationship can take years, OP. I'm also 4 years out of an abusive relationship, and still battling to heal (PTSD). The damage my ex abuser wrought in my life was huge and life changing...
Re: Anyone who is or was in abusive relationship should read
I would imagine that the beliefs are the same with a female abuser. In fact one of the huge things that helped me to leave him was a talk I had with my ex's sister's husband. He told me that she did the exact same things that my ex did at the time. And he said "I think it's because they weren't raised in the church." which on the surface sounds closed minded. Obviously not everyone who is raised without religion is going to abuse.
But it made me realize that yes they were indeed raised with no morals about how to treat anyone. They saw their parents abusing each other. And I know it's rare that both are abusive. I think in the early days their dad was very abusive to her but at some point he turned around somewhat and felt guilty and she set out to pay him back for what he had done for her through severe emotional and mental manipulation.
I didn't find out the extent of their abuse until during second separation when he was trying to get me back by saying it made him the way he is and trying to get me to feel sorry for him.
The fact that his sister did the EXACT same things was such an eye opener. It somehow made me realize he was never going to change. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Anyone who is or was in abusive relationship should read
I still expect my current h to act like my ex. If he does anything at all that reminds me of him or it seems like he is pulling away I have an irrational reaction to it. He has been on antidepressants for headaches and is libido has disappeared. So my reaction is "he's cheating, he's gay, he doesn't love me, he's mad at me and won't tell me, he is trying to control me, he is punishing me for something." We're in MC with a sex therapist because I get so anxious, afraid, scared and mad about it. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Anyone who is or was in abusive relationship should read
My DD21 dated an abusive boy in the summer before her junior year of high school. Within ONE month, this high-spirited, fun-filled girl was in tears, begging him to forgive her, etc. etc. etc. I happened to hear that conversation and I put a stop to it immediately. She welcomed the help. And then went on to research dating abuse, using the Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men (spelled out for other readers), as well as many other books; I read them with her. She did a project on it, and then asked the principal if she could put on a schoolwide presentation of it; they allowed, but only for the girls. I can only hope that she helped at least a few girls not go down that path.
That kid? She told him that he was abusive and needed help. After a torturous few years, where she helped him here and there with working on his issues, he finally came to her and thanked her for helping him see why and how he was sabotaging his own life. Maybe if you reach them young enough, you can make a difference. But if you marry an adult person like that, odds are VERY stacked against him or her ever changing. And the only way they WILL change is if you remove yourself from their presence.
Re: Anyone who is or was in abusive relationship should read
Quote:
Originally Posted by diwali123
I still expect my current h to act like my ex. If he does anything at all that reminds me of him or it seems like he is pulling away I have an irrational reaction to it. He has been on antidepressants for headaches and is libido has disappeared. So my reaction is "he's cheating, he's gay, he doesn't love me, he's mad at me and won't tell me, he is trying to control me, he is punishing me for something." We're in MC with a sex therapist because I get so anxious, afraid, scared and mad about it. Posted via Mobile Device
diwali, MC isn't going to help you with your low self esteem, which is what you're describing. Only individual therapy can do that.
Re: Anyone who is or was in abusive relationship should read
I'm in IC. But honestly I don't think it's low SE. I think it's that my ex took our marriage apart piece by piece and I'm just waiting for that to happen with him. It's a fear of the same thing happening again. A woman's self esteem has nothing to do with what an abuser believes. And I guess that makes it harder because I feel like I didn't do anything to deserve what my ex did, and it was out of my control. So now any little thing makes me think we are heading down the same road. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Anyone who is or was in abusive relationship should read
If you had high self esteem, you would LAUGH at the thought of your current H doing it to you. Because you'd know that you are a great catch and he's lucky to have you and if he DID do such a thing, you'd be gone in a heartbeat. THAT is how a person with high self esteem talks and thinks. I'm not trying to be rude, but everything you post pretty much shouts I don't like myself.
Re: Anyone who is or was in abusive relationship should read
So my ex was abusive because I had low self esteem?
I'm not saying its a rational logical part of my brain, it's just feelings that it brings up.
Do you think people who are cheated on and are afraid of it happening again have low self esteem too? People who are in car accidents and are afraid of driving have low self esteem? I guess I don't get the logic there. You can think you are the most awesome catch in the world but it doesn't stop people from cheating, abusing, etc. have you read the boards here? Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Anyone who is or was in abusive relationship should read
Quote:
So my ex was abusive because I had low self esteem?
NO! But if you had high self esteem, you would never have put up with his crap in the first place.
I think ALL of us have some low self esteem. It's human nature. That's why the boards are full of doormats and abuse victims. There are the Givers (people who think they have to give to get someone to love them), and there are the Takers (people who WANT to use and abuse other people). And then there are the people who know who they are, are ok in their own skin, and suffer no fools. It's the last ones who walk away when their boundaries are crossed; heck, who even know what their boundaries ARE. The rest of us are too messed up to even understand them.
Until we get help, of course.
fwiw, people who are cheated on suffer a MASSIVE MASSIVE plunge in self esteem. It's pretty much unavoidable. So, yes, those who are cheated on and are afraid of it happening again do have low self esteem. Then, there are those who have been cheated on but who love themselves enough to say screw you! and kick the cheater out and get on with their lives. They enter any future relationships with eyes wide open, willing to love again, but also willing to walk away the instant they get proof of cheating.
Re: Anyone who is or was in abusive relationship should read
I think that's really a popular notion in this culture and it's more "blame the victim" thinking. My ex didn't start out abusive, hardly any of them do. The truly manipulative ones (I've had three counselors tell me he sounds like a sociopath) are do skilled at pretending that even the smartest most self aware people fall for their charade.
It was over time that he escalated and of course every time I was ready to say it was enough he would be back to choosing to behave himself and treat me the right way. I was even in counseling before we got married and she said that he sounded like a great guy. Seven years later I went back to her and she couldn't believe how emotionally cruel and abusive he was.
The thing is, I could sit here and say he has BPD, he is a sociopath, he was raised by wolves, he has brain damage from an incident with his thyroid. But the truth I think is he decided to behave this way.
It's really easy to blame the victim because that's what this culture does. And we would like to believe we can do this and that and be absolutely sure no one will ever deceive us but it's a false sense of security. So now I need to come to a middle ground of knowing I can't control the future and trying not to let little things trigger post trauma reactions. Posted via Mobile Device
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Anyone who is or was in abusive relationship should read 
