carras

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danie12

Oh...sorry for the missunderstanding. I read you wrong. Now, I'm going to focus on the OP's orginal topic.

Gaia

lol it's ok.. it happens.

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resetbuttonpushed

So what exactly is that? I'm curious... what have you decided to do to solve the problem?

carras

Not avoiding anything...I do masturbate and watch porn.

My solution is to stop that and communicate all of this to her openly and honestly - if that fails, at least I will know I gave it my best shot.

This is me

Hmmmm....could be the greener grass on the screen. But none of it is a real relationship. Just fooling yourself.

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karma*girl

Okay, now we're getting somewhere..

Realize your expectations may be way off-base from a real, healthy relationship.

Porn is worse for people than they think- it always is approached in a complacent manner, yet can cause serious underlying issues- one maybe being that what you are watching is false advertising.

Unfortunately, some people fall for it..(the more they indulge) & then soon lose sight of reality, which is usually pretty damn good.

I'm going to guess that your assessment of your sex life stems from you thinking that your wife is nothing like a porn actor & it leaves something to be desired..right? Or am I partially right?

Damn- if porn was not so easily accessible these days, there would be so many more happy marriages & men would be satisfied with a willing wife..

Porn can be toxic to the brain- literally toxic. It can take So Much passion away from your marriage!

I think you are right though- kill the porn & get into some serious talking with YOUR woman. Trust me, she WANTS you, if she's initiating...damn boy, go after her!

Make it HOT! This crap is all in your head. My H & I recently stopped all porn & both are totally great with it. After you fight a few urges, you won't miss a thing! I've seen guys here say the same thing.

Especially, because then, all your focus will be going toward your wife, trust, its a beautiful thing, if you allow it. She deserves that! It sounds like you have what it takes to be really passionate together(:
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Phenix70

I'm asking again since you didn't answer.
I'm confused, does she or doesn't she do the things I highlighted?
If your wife is doing all of these things, that's pretty enthusiastic & an active partner, it seems like the issue isn't your wife but is you.
What kind of sex ARE you looking for that you aren't getting?
Is it something kinky & not what many consider typical, run of the mill sex?
Think about this, what is it exactly about the sex you have versus the sex you want?

Trenton

Carras, you said that she was willing to try new things like porn, props, dress up, etc. and that you find her sexy/attractive and are in love with her.

I'm wondering what it is you want to try that you won't or that she won't?

I don't have enough information from your posts but I think it's possible you believe the grass is greener and are toying/fantasizing with the idea that it is. So you are stuck between wanting to play around and see if the grass is greener and not hurting or losing the wife you have whom you think is attractive/sexy as well as love.

TheFamilyStone

1st of all, never bring others into your bedroom. Yes, sometimes it does work but most often it backfires and creates more problems. Cheating isn't the way to go about it either. You need to communicate with each other and come up with a solution. If you want to cheat have the decency to break things off with her first! No one wants to be cheated on.

sinnister

It's clear you love your wife. As do I (yes I'm a dude). Otherwise we wouldnt have signed up to a pink message board. It's clear you want it to work too. I asked about midlife crisis because I wondered if this was a new feeling or if you always had it.

I get the feeling this is salvageable. Her willingness to at least try the suggestions you've made to spice it up and your willingness to seek more ideas tells me this will be fixed.

Keep it up.

Caribbean Man

Sir ,
The average guy goes through exactly what you think your problem is.
But some of us react differently. We understand the difference between fantasy and reality.

1] Your wife is attractive & sexy. Many other men also think so too. Be VERY CAREFUL of what you ask for....

2] You used to have a good sex lifs ,blah,blah,blah. Everybody passes through this phase sometime. But with plenty work and understanding , this too can be overcome.

3]Swinging looks appealing to you,but you don't want her have sex with another man. I wonder if she feels the same way about you with another woman?
[ Sounds like cake eating to me.]
Again,
BE VERY CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR!
Everytime you think that you are bored of her sex,just try and picture her on her back with her legs in the air, hyperventilating in pleasure,
.....and another man thrusting between her legs.

carras

I wouldn't say its all the porn. I had a pretty amazing sex life pre-wife and miss some of that excitement. As I mentioned before, she is not my best lover, not my worst, but you don't fall in love with people because of sex. I fell in love with her because of who she is, how she treats me and our kids, how much fun she is, and how I just love to be in her company.

She was not very experienced when we met - only had one lover before me and he cheated on her. We've been dealing with that baggage for the past 15 years and I think it still inhibits her.

Going to have to change the mindset a bit and see her in a new light - build up her confidence - again - just gets old after a while.

Lon

Karma Girl, I disagree that for most men porn skews their view of reality - we are aware it is fantasy and we do not hold our wives or lovers to unrealistic expectations (and for those that DO hold unrealistic expectations it is more likely from previous real life experiences with women who behaved more slvtty or promiscuous).

For me I think that simply watching too much of it desensitizes our brain - I don't think it is "toxic" in that it damages our brain but I do agree that it takes an element of passion out of it, and makes it easier to feel "bored" with what we have, at the physiological level.

I think the answer is to cut back, or out, the the porn because it was overstimulating, then give it some time for our brain to recalibrate to the normal levels of dopamine. I agree it is difficult to fight the urge, but in the end we can get the same kind of sexual thrill in our spouse without having to spend all that time watching smut, so it sounds like a better quality of life to me.

Cosmos

If I were your wife and you no longer found me attractive and found the idea of being with someone else "very alluring," I'd prefer you told me so that we can divorce and move on.

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