carras

We've been married almost ten years, together for over 15. two kids. she is still very attractive and sexy, but I'm bored in the bedroom. she wants to have sex more than I do and I find myself making excuses not to. We used to have a very good sex life (not the best, not the worst) but it plateaued years ago. I don't want to cheat but I find other women very attractive and desirable and the thought of being with someone new is very alluring.

I've considered swinging, but the thought of her with another guy isn't sitting well with me at all.

If you were my wife, how would you want me to handle this?

Mavash.

Stop making excuses and be direct about what you want. Saying you are 'bored' with no real solutions is a cop out.

50shades

Wow. To start..i guess its good that you are looking for another way than just cheating. Swinging is not the answer and will not end well. I think that you need to talk to your wife. You love her for a reason and stated that you still find her attractive. Talk about how you can spice things up..but do it in a way that makes her feel sexy. You will get much further that way. Looking outside the marriage is WRONG!!!! If you dont think you can work it out..then either live without the sex, or leave the marriage. I am working on my marriage after my husband had an affair. You cant even comprehend the pain that this causes. Dont put her through that.

carras

If I had a solution I would offer it. The first part of the solution is communication and that's why I'm here - to at least get the conversation started in my head so that I can have that conversation with her.

As I mentioned in my post, I miss the excitement of someone new and different. I don't know how to get that with the wife. I know there's role playing and other things - and we've done all of that - but that has lost it's luster too. She has mentioned possibly wanting to be with another woman, but I know she wouldn't go through with it and she would be very jealous if I participated.

Just looking for suggestions.

danie12

I would want my husband to tell me that he is board, that he wants to have a more exciting sex life with me, and that we would start working -together- on making our sex life exciting. Then I'd want him to actually follow through with the working together part.

There's more to this issue than the sex, it's deeper than that. Sex is a surface thing that has direct ties to the subconscious (I think anyway) so some place inside of you...probably buried...is the real issue. That's where you need to go. Preferably with your wife.

Mavash.

Why did you get married?

And you need to be honest with your wife that you feel this way.

danie12

Inviting a 3rd party is a bad idea. It's going to make things way more complicated for both of you. Feelings will be involved because sex is emotional and I'd think that either a man or a woman would start to catch feelings for you or your wife. It's playing with fire.

karma*girl

Hi, thanks for posting-you'll get really good, honest advice from everyone here.

I've been with my husband for 19 yrs. total, he says he sees me as sexy & attractive as well.

If I knew he was so dissatisfied with our sex life that he was entertaining the thought of other women & swinging, I'd feel HORRIBLE.

It sounds as if you have not been open with her? Communication is the only way we are ever going to hopefully get what we need in a relationship.

I'm assuming she is getting the hint that something is up, since you're making up excuses for not having sex with her. That's rough for a woman..(& a man!)

You're going to hear from the Men's Clubhouse that you should count your lucky stars that you have a willing & able woman at home. So many men do not.

At this point, first off you need to count your blessings & appreciate what you DO have.

Next, talk with her about it. Who knows? Maybe she is JUST as dissatisfied, right?

What if she had a conversation with her friends that you overheard, about your sex life together- she's saying your drive is too low & you are boring in the sack. You'd be thinking WTH??
You'd most likely wish she'd tell YOU these thoughts, as that's the only way to address them & get anywhere good-together, TOGETHER...read, noone else involved.

Including others just F's everything up- ask anyone here. This is a marriage forum, we advocate strong, healthy relationships..there is experience here where outsiders have been introduced into marriages & it just doesn't wind up well. Period.

Talk to your beautiful wife. Tell her you love her, think she's amazing & mention something fun you want to try with her. is she not adventurous?
What do you want to have happen with HER? Either way, time to knock off the 'other women' thoughts.

Those thoughts are diluting the passion IN your marriage which is where it should be.
Focus on her. Focus on your marriage.
You absolutely need to start talking & proactively make things happen!! (:
Posted via Mobile Device

Mavash.

Because I don't think you heard me. Stop making excuses and lying to your wife. Tell her the truth. Right now she is feeling incredibly rejected by you and it's not fair that she doesn't know why. If you no longer want her then let her go so she can find someone that does.

sinnister

Mid-life crisis? You have a wife who has no problems sleeping with you. You are so far ahead of the game it's not even funny.

carras

I've tried spicing it up and she certainly tries, but isn't very enthusiastic about it (lingerie, movies/porn, role play, toys, costumes, pole dancing classes, etc.). I love her dearly and know that it's not right for me have what I want her to be deprived of what she wants.

I really think she and I are just "wired" differently and though I love her in many, many ways, sexually, we just aren't a great match. I don't want to hurt her feelings but don't know how to say it without doing so. I don't want it to ruin/end our marriage - I also don't want to get to a point where we wait for the kids to leave the house and then we part ways - I love her and am in love with her, but my sexual needs/desires are different than hers.

I know that she feels unsatisfied because she wants me and doesn't get enough of me. I make sure to please her every time we make love and she always reaches orgasm first, but we just don't do it frequently enough (once every two weeks - I know, other guys would kill to be in my situation).

I will not cheat - some of you are misunderstanding my desire to be with other women as automatic infidelity. I am determined to make this work - that's why I am here.

carras

It's so funny to hear the woman's perspective vs. the man's. There's always an underlying cause of the problem (mid-life crisis, emotional issues). I sometimes think some people just have different sexual interests and desires - sometimes they are compatible for a long period of time, some for a short period, some not at all.

If I have a taste for tea and you have a taste for coffee, am I going through a mid-life crisis or other emotional issues?

carras

I know I am - and I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL for this!

Let me make this as clear as possible - I LOVE MY WIFE! She is my best friend, the only woman I want to be married to. I couldn't stand the thought of hurting her - of her suffering pain for which I am the cause.

But, feelings are feelings and my sexual feelings are what they are - I've tried to change them, live with them, deal with them for years - I just don't know how much longer I (we) can go on like this.

Ayla

You said she has certainly tried...though not with the level of enthusiam that you find accetable. She can't make herself into another woman so the problem lies with you. You have to decide to be satisfied with what you got or you can throw it away for some strange. Maybe that is what she has decided to do with you. You don't think your wife gets bored with you too? That she doesn't see men out there that she finds attractive? Develop the ability to understand that p@ssy is just p@ssy. New is exciting only because it's new. Grow up and understand that you can't have it both ways. You cannot expect someone to stay in love and be dedicated to you 100% while you have a semi-open marriage.

carras

Not wanting frequent sex with her. I want sex more often than once every two weeks - I just don't want it with her more often than that right now. She definitely wants it more often than once every two weeks.