My husband had a client in from out of town and after a night out in the city they ended up at a strip club. My husband has gone a dozen times in the past 30 yrs. i have know him (sometimes with me) and has never lied to me about it. It's usually for a bachelor party or a celebration of some sort. It is not a problem at all, and a rarity. We've been married almost 24 years. This one trip to the strip club ended up costing him and his client a total of $1,800 between them. He doesn't remember what happened, although he swears it was just a drunk lap dance/tease. He has NEVER lied to me before and I think he would know if something more happened (i.e. hj, etc). We did dispute the charges and received copies off all the receipts, none of which were signed by him. I don't question the amount of money because I do know these clubs overcharge and often rip you off from what I've read. Anyway, all i do know is that he got to the strip club by 9PM and took the 12:15 train home. He was there at most for 3 hours and thinks he may have fallen asleep. He doesn't even remember how he got to the train. He remembers bits and pieces from the night....someone asking him if he wanted more, someone handing him a drink, and someone handing him his wallet. He said the actually lap dance seemed like 2 minutes long. He told me the morning after that he went to a strip club but didn't go into details because I immediately freaked out and left the house. Later that day I pulled out the clothes he wore and they were covered with bronzer....his crotch, his lap, and his dress shirt too (must have been untucked as that was covered with bronzer too). I also noticed his bath towel was orange from the night before....either his hands were covered with makeup from touching her, or his face, from her boobs in his face. My husband is an amazing man and loves me dearly. He is still very attracted to me and would have sex with me every day if he could. He feels terrible about what happened and has been apologizing ever since. Whenever we're out together (we have a great social life) I end up bringing it up again hoping for more answers/details. Since he really can't tell me what happened I just keep imagining her all over him and his hands all over her (hence the orange on the towel). He swears to me you can't touch and does not remember touching her. He said maybe the makeup rubbed off on his hands from his jeans or even from tucking in his shirt. It has been 5 months and I still am not over this. His heart is aching from how much he has hurt me, but I still can't get these 3 hours out of my head. I think if I knew what happened I'd feel better, it's the unknown that worries me. Has anyone ever been through this and if so how did you get beyond this? Oh, and by the way, as much as I can't get over this, this event has actually been a blessing to our sex life. I find myself being more sexual and he's loving it, however I constantly have this pit in my stomach and void in my heart for the hurt of him doing this to me. I guess it's more of a trust thing than anything else.
Just happened to come across this video in my search of what a lap dance is really like. Can any of you strip club veterans confirm that this is a typical lap dance? I would imagine a private one is much more intimate with more touching involved. It's understandable why I'm not quick to get over this, right?
a strip club? ewwwwww.
those women are so gross.
i dont know why anyone would even want to waste there money in a place like that.
thats a bad place for married people to be.
NEVER lied...everyone lies.
1,800..lucky they didnt get more.
i'mn thinking maybe he is hapy with you because he does this occasionally, satisfying himself mentally, fantasy, and just lusting and its an ok thing. that is cheating. sorry.
I watched the video and yes I think that it is likely to have happened. I also wonder if he is lying about telling you everything to get out of the consequences of you knowing. How is it he remembers everything that happened at the bar but only bits and pieces of what happened at the strip club?
Sorry, not buying it.
I also don't think it's wise or helpful to ignore this. It's been 5 months and your still not over it. Do what you can to get answers so your mind can deal with what happened and you can move on.
That's actually a really good lap dance that you would only get in a private room. You'd never get that at a table. Most are far less physical.
You've got to get past this one way or another. Literally thousands of married men go to strip clubs every day. As Chris Rock said, there is no sex in the champagne room. Trust me, there isn't.
I went to a strip club with my h a few months ago and it was gross. I think you are making too much of this. Honestly for her part, this is how she makes a living. I got curious and read a few forums for strippers and the way they talk about getting money out of their customers, it's so obvious this is not sexual, they're just trying to pay the bills. They don't care what the guy looks like as long as he pays. Honestly they have less emotions and sex involved than would a doctor examining him.
Yes a naked or near naked woman rubbed all over him. Depending on the guy yes there is a basic response to the attention but guys get erections from therapeutic massages and exams. It doesn't mean that he thought she was the sexiest woman ever or that he even thought she was that good looking. Seriously half the strippers where we went looked so skanky and were so skinny my husband was turned off.
This stripper doesn't remember him, and he doesn't remember her. Honestly if you went to a strip club you would see how impersonal it is.
Maybe go get yourself a therapeutic massage from a nice looking guy to get even. Posted via Mobile Device
I think I screwed up today. My H and I celebrated our 24th anniversary this week. I am little depressed because I feel our marriage is somehow tainted now because of the private lap dance(s) he got at the strip club. My H could tell something was wrong and kept asking me why I was so down. I finally sent him an email this morning expressing how I felt about our anniversary and how our marriage didn't feel sacred anymore. I told him I still cannot get over what he did and probably wouldn't get over it until I knew exactly what happened. The problem is, as I mentioned above, he blacked out and can't remember much after a certain point in the night. I told him not knowing what happened is more hurtful as I can't find closure and just keep imagining the worst. He says NOTHING happened....he'd remember if something happened. (I have to disagree that having a naked woman rubbing all over him and putting her boobs and vag in his face and her grinding all over his IS something!!!) Today I was begging him to tell me what happened and he said he swears he would tell me more if he could remember and that he has nothing to hide. I just can't believe he can't remember bits and pieces of the dance, the stripper(s), etc. Even if he said she was a little old, or chubby, or too skinny I'd probably feel better but he's not providing ANY details. I asked him a million questions like this and he said he told me EVERYTHING he knows. Sometimes I think he's just trying to protect me from the truth. I don't think he had sex, but if he said yes to vip dance in the first place how do i know he didn't say yes to a hj or bj, especially if he was drugged? I don't think I can feel worse than I already do and I'm probably imagining things a lot more erotic and sensual than they were, so I feel like he has nothing to lose by telling me. He said he remembers the bouncer asking him if he wanted to go to the vip room, he remember someone bringing him a drink, he remembers his wallet sitting on the arm of the couch, then missing, then someone handing it to him later. He remembers the bouncer coming in during the lap dance and asking him if he wanted to more (as in LD) and he said YES! He vaguely remembers signing one receipt (although they all looked forged -- we got copies to dispute charges). He remembers trying to figure out how to get to Grand Central station, but has no idea how he got there. Assuming I won't get any more details (and maybe he honestly doesn't remember) how do I get beyond this? Tonight he came home from work and we haven't spoken to each other all night. I don't think either of us deserve how we're treating each other, but I just can't let this go! I think if I went to this club, saw the girls and saw first hand what went on during a private lap dance I could probably get over it so quickly. My husband said he will never step foot in another strip club again, whether I'm with him or not. I'd go with girlfriends, but I don't think you're allowed in without a guy. If anyone has any suggestions how I can make light of this situation, or can tell me about this specific club please send me a PM and I will tell you what club. Thanks for listening!
I'm like you. I tend to think of things over and over. I'm very analytical. I analyze things to death sometimes. That's just how I'm wired. It would take me a long time to get over something like this.
However, if your husband was otherwise a good husband to you and your marriage was a good one before the incident, I'd say you have to let this go and not let it ruin an otherwise good relationship. Good relationships are hard to come by. I can COMPLETELY understand how you feel, but I don't know what more you can get out of your husband at this point. Put in some precautions in place like no more strip clubs, no more lap dances or VIP rooms. Sounds like he's already self-policing himself on those areas but talk it out some more then drop any interrogation about this incident.
Well, you'll get no different advice from me this time. YOU have a problem and YOU need to get help to figure out why you are so freaking insecure.
Did he screw up? Yes. Is hIe a typical man? Yes. Is he afraid of your anger just like any other husband? Yes. Is he going to do it again? Doesn't sound like it, based on the WORLD WAR II you have created over it BECAUSE OF YOUR INSECURITY.
But is that the kind of marriage you want? A man afraid of you?
Get a good therapist. Work on your childhood issues. Figure out why you can't deal with your husband MAYBE looking at another woman. Work on your self esteem. Learn to love your man, warts and all. KNOW that he loves you and wants you. And learn to be ok with that.
Well, you'll get no different advice from me this time. YOU have a problem and YOU need to get help to figure out why you are so freaking insecure.
Did he screw up? Yes. Is hIe a typical man? Yes. Is he afraid of your anger just like any other husband? Yes. Is he going to do it again? Doesn't sound like it, based on the WORLD WAR II you have created over it BECAUSE OF YOUR INSECURITY.
But is that the kind of marriage you want? A man afraid of you?
Get a good therapist. Work on your childhood issues. Figure out why you can't deal with your husband MAYBE looking at another woman. Work on your self esteem. Learn to love your man, warts and all. KNOW that he loves you and wants you. And learn to be ok with that.
br, I want to apologize for being rude. No excuse. Well, actually, the big glass of wine I had last night probably had something to do with it - never mix posting with alcohol! lol)
Anyway, I didn't mean to criticize you, I was just frustrated that nothing had changed, you just buried your resentment and nothing got resolved.
You can either find a way to come to grips with what happened and weigh it against the umpteen years of marriage, or you can walk away from a marriage for one stupid night. There is no third option.
When I was way younger and just started out, I took clients out like your husband described. $800 dinner for me and maybe 3 clients, then take them to a strip club that costed the company maybe $4000 a night. And I thought I was living the high life.
However, I stopped I think after the 3rd time.
Because I usually don't drink, but had only 1 drink that night. Couldn't even remember it, all that happened was I woke up in a taxi, my wallet missing, and thank god one of the clients paid the bill on the taxi.
No idea what happened. No idea at all. None. It is a complete blank. Couldn't remember who I was with, what I ate for dinner, where I was, hell, the fact I managed to get home was a miracle.
Your husband was probably taken for a ride just like I was.
It happens a lot more than you think.
So many of my male co-workers have been taken for rides by the club that the company told us to no longer take clients there. Too dangerous. Especially when the club took our clients for a ride.
I understand you are angry with your husband, but understand, he is probably hurting to. Not to the extent you are, but he is desperatly trying to figure out what happened that night, but can't. And he knows you are hurting, and there is nothing he can do to comfort you.
I understand you are angry with your husband, but understand, he is probably hurting to. Not to the extent you are, but he is desperatly trying to figure out what happened that night, but can't. And he knows you are hurting, and there is nothing he can do to comfort you.
:iagree: You've been married to him a LONG time and this is what it comes down to? 3 hours of a blacked out night that he cannot remember? I'm sure your husband is mortified over all of this, and that's how he gets treated?
I, too, understand your anger, but at some point, since you say you've forgiven him, you also need to forget this and move on. It's in the past and there's no changing it. Your husband can change it in the future, and wants to do that - by not going again. It sounds like he learned a hard lesson and wants to do right by you.
I certainly see no reason to ruin your anniversary, much less another day moving forward. You need to tell your husband that you love him and find that connection with him again.
On one hand I've never had a blackout. Even if I was so drunk the little voice in my head was being ignored it was still there and I always clearly remember everything that happened.
On the other hand I've never been drugged. I'm assuming that's different.
At this late date I don't imagine there is any way to confirm whether your husband was drugged or not.
I think you have to look at the balance of his actions before and after this event. If there's other things that have occurred that are making you question the things he's done this could be a huge red flag. If it's a one time thing and you have no other indications of wrong doing I would guess he's being completely honest.
Thanks to all of you for your very thoughtful responses and advice! I think I have finally turned a corner. With you help I came to my senses and apologized to my husband for torturing him for so long. Yes, he made a bad decision by going to a strip club, going to vip room, and being careless with his credit cards, but he never once lied to me and has been trying to make it up to me ever since. We had a real heart-to-heart over the weekend and he told me exactly what he remembered....and that's pretty much nothing after he got to the club. He doesn't understand how he ended up blacking out, as he never does when he drinks, so we are both convinced he was drugged. That doesn't make it right, but it explains why he had a great lapse of judgement and can't remember a thing. I am married to a very good man and I am grateful you put this all in perspective for me. Thanks again for your very kind words of encouragement!
Thanks to all of you for your very thoughtful responses and advice! I think I have finally turned a corner. With you help I came to my senses and apologized to my husband for torturing him for so long. Yes, he made a bad decision by going to a strip club, going to vip room, and being careless with his credit cards, but he never once lied to me and has been trying to make it up to me ever since. We had a real heart-to-heart over the weekend and he told me exactly what he remembered....and that's pretty much nothing after he got to the club. He doesn't understand how he ended up blacking out, as he never does when he drinks, so we are both convinced he was drugged. That doesn't make it right, but it explains why he had a great lapse of judgement and can't remember a thing. I am married to a very good man and I am grateful you put this all in perspective for me. Thanks again for your very kind words of encouragement!
Sensual? Yeah honestly I think if you went to a club you would see how impersonal it is. Google stripper forum and read it. There is absolutely nothing sensual about stripping except for what might be in your own mind. It's impersonal, body parts paid for with money. Strippers don't care what a man looks like and will sometimes go for the least attractive in a group of men to get the other men competing for her attention.
You think they would be there if they didn't have bills to pay? All they see are dollar signs. It's a job not a hobby. Posted via Mobile Device
I had a friend of mine uncharictoristically black out in a similar VIP scenario. Not sure if he was drugged but, he wound up being in the VIP room a long time. Next thing i know he is asking to borrow 400 to settle his bill. He didn't remember any of it the next day.
I will say (and the guys will probably rip me a new one here but) I have had a change of heart where strip clubs are concerned. I would be OK with going to one if it were simply to stare at the dancers and talk about their body parts but, most of the time you are pressured to get private dances where the girls often grind you and or get very close. For me this is too personal and is crossing a line. I am not a prude, i love porn and the sight of naked women but again too much for me.
I doubt your husband got drugged. Do you really believe everything he says? I suspect he was in his right mind when he went to that strip club.
When a husband goes to a strip club, that is called CHEATING, hello?!?
Lots of dumb wifes try to be so cool when they say "yea he goes, I don't care, it's no biggy...I'm not a control freak, I trust him"...what a shame, and this attitude olny ENABLES more cheating on the part of the husband. These same "cool" wifes continue to say that "he never lies about it"....either they are self-liars, or completely dilluded.
I doubt your husband got drugged. Do you really believe everything he says? I suspect he was in his right mind when he went to that strip club. When a husband goes to a strip club, that is called CHEATING, hello?!? Lots of dumb wifes try to be so cool when they say "yea he goes, I don't care, it's no biggy...I'm not a control freak, I trust him"...what a shame, and this attitude olny ENABLES more cheating on the part of the husband. These same "cool" wifes continue to say that "he never lies about it"....either they are self-liars, or completely dilluded.
meh
My H goes occasionally when he takes out his clients. I've gone with him. He tells me all about them. In fact, he went a couple weeks ago at the CEDIA show, when he had to take out clients to one of the only strip clubs in Indianapolis, and they wanted to go every night. He got in a fight with one of the strippers cos he wouldn't give her money and she tried to get him in trouble. He thinks strip clubs are disgusting and feels sorry for men who have to go there.
- he went to strip club the night he was wining and dining a client in from out of town (trust me, he'd rather be home watching sports or king of queens, or with his family...not kidding)
- from receipts we know he was there from approx 9pm-10:40pm (I just checked receipts)
- all receipts were forged (i have all the copies)
- he vaguely remembers his wallet missing then reappearing
- a "vip room rules" sheet was forged with a fake thumb imprint (sent by club to credit card company, which was then sent to us)
- he had bronzer on the front of his shirt...just the bottom part that would be over his lap...and his jeans (i know my face bronzer wipes off easily so i don't think they painted him with it and i have no doubt that he did get a lap dance)
- he thinks he passed out while he was there, as he says he felt like he was there for minutes only
- he was shocked when he saw his credit card statement the next morning and saw the $1,800 in charges (some duplicate) on visa and amex (again, he was entertaining his client so maybe they took one card for each of them)
- I was just as upset about him being taken advantage of (i wouldn't say assaulted, as I highly doubt a stripper would give a lap dance to a passed out customer -- perhaps he was coherent the first few minutes so they went along with the motions...literally).
- He did put himself in a compromising position by walking thru that door a little buzzed, so he's at fault there.
- He spoke to manager of strip club and contested all the charges, but they provided 5 receipts all clearly forged
- we thought about fighting charges, but at what cost? lawyer fees would cost much more than strip club charges
- he did learn the biggest lesson in his life and he is absolutely sick over what happened
- I am married to a very decent, hardworking, loving husband and my reaction did not fit the crime. Our marriage is stronger than anyone else I know. We are best friends, we have so much fun together, and we live life to the fullest.... not to mention our sex life is better than ever (he was always in the mood but since this event we can't keep our hands off each other....yes the thought of him being with a stripper has been an aphrodisiac for me....it's crazy i know)
I think I'd like to officially move on from this. At the very least I hope someone else will learn from his mistake.
You need to stop obsessing over this. What your husband did was wrong on all accounts, but you shouldn't feel insecure about it. Sounds like he has no recollection of anything. It meant nothing to him. At the end of the day, he loves only you, right?
I finally stopped obsessing over it and posted a "thank you" to those who gave great advice. I just felt the need to respond to some of the last few posts above.
I did give my husband a lap dance.....outfit and all.....he loved it
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