my marriage has left me with some serious insecurities.. and i think maybe subconsciously or consciously who knows which.. i've been more open to other possibilities... i wouldnt say i "sought" this man out, but he's a customer at my bank. he owns the gas station right behind my building and he comes in daily to deposit his business' cash. there is always a mild flirtation between BOTH of us.. if i'm working that day he'll usually wait until i'm free to assist him.. the other day he came in and i said, "thank goodness you came! i was about to go broke!" and he said, "hun, you can call me anytime.. i'm just across the street"... sometimes when he comes in multiple times a day i'll ask him if he missed me so much he had to come back.. he'll laugh and say yes.
here's the kicker... he's so loud about his divorce.. apparently they made a $250,000 settlement that he has to pay her over the course of some time period so he's always transfering money from the business to give to his xwife. he calls it "giving to charity" when he comes it.. that's our code that he needs to pay her.
so here i am.. married to a guy with some serious issues with his family, which i've endured for 4 years.. my hubs and i get along great.. but recent events have made me feel disconnected from him and i'm left feeling sometimes aloof and insecure. i've never even seen the other guy outside of work.. but i'd bet you $1,000,000 if he asked me out on a date... i'd go.
i cant tell my hubs because it'd be wwIII, and i'm sure he'd do something immature and damaging to the marriage out of spite, hate and immaturity.. plus there's nothing really to tell... but the CRAZY thing is.. i dont feel guilty for liking this guy. i dont feel guilty for wanting to go on a date with him and getting to know him better. does that mean something or am i just an arse?
What is it that you're missing in your relationship at home that leads you to desire straying from your marriage? You say you get along great with hubby, so why would you be willing to jeaporadize a great relationship that you promised years ago to stay faithful for?
This man from the gas station... Something about him turns you on. What you need to do is figure out what it is about this guy that turns you on and them figure out how to get your husband to project those same qualities on you so you're stimulated enough to be happy in your relationship with him.
You're already one foot into an affair with this OM because you're already thinking about cheating wih him... You're playing with some serious fire and I don't think you're wrapping your head around the long term consequences of an affair. You're about to consciously ruin your life with your husband... Are your prepared for that? Are you okay with that? If so, then you it owe it to your husband to divorce him before you act on your desires. Infidelity is soul-crushing and he doesn't deserve that.
You have 2 paths that lie ahead of you... Think long and hard which one you want to follow, but whichever path you choose, walk it with dignity and respectfulness. Posted via Mobile Device
i dont know why i dont feel guilty.. 6 months ago the thought of something like this was FURTHEST from my mind.. today.. not so much.
the most serious issues we have are with his family.. it's a whole big, long story.. but in a nutshell he puts their feelings before mine.. on every single level. a promise to change was made.. but the promise was broken, and i am still second to them. i cant "fix" the marriage by myself.. he's placed me in one sphere of his life and them in another. i can have absolutely nothing to do with the other sphere. so now who's selfish and uncaring?
he has to deal with his family issues for me to be 100% happy with him, and he wont. so i'm getting by day by day.. we get along great daily.. but the ticking time bomb will eventually go off. his commitment to me will always be second to his family.. so i find myself questioning why i should be so damn committed? i'm sure if push came to shove.. he'd chose them over me. hence the insecurities..
so no.. cheating isnt really "justified"... but now when i hear someone has cheated.. i dont completely blame the cheater. if the cheater's partner did everything "right" it wouldnt even be an option or a thought. i was that way up until now...
if the cheater's partner did everything "right" it wouldnt even be an option or a thought. i was that way up until now...
We're all human... It's impossible to expect someone to do everything right. That's an unfair expectation to place on your husband and as such, it sets him up for failure in your relationship. Maybe your husband has no idea how you feel about the situation at hand... Or maybe he knows a little bit from some of your communications but he has no idea how close to losing you he really is. Do you think he would start to pay attention more to your feelings and try to understand the seriousness of his actions if he just knew how close to stepping out you've come?
Part of the issue here is that affairs are starting to become the "easy way out" for people to turn, rather than fighting the good, hard fight for their marriage. Cheating is the easy way out to not facing your problems head-on. It's not a solution, it's a devious act of hurtfulness.
What's important here is you realize you need to stop fantasizing about another man so much, but rather channel your thoughts and energy into how you can give your husband a fighting chance at your relationship together. Posted via Mobile Device
If your husband won't change the way he puts his family first, then divorce him.
To me that's 100% unacceptable that he is allowing any outside influence in your marriage, whether it's family or not.
YOU are his family, you are his immediate family, they are secondary & unless he sees that, I honestly don't think the two of you will be able to stay married for the long term.
The bitterness will eat away at your soul, the feeling of always being cast aside over other people is more than enough to divorce.
After all, it does take two to make a marriage work.
Phoenix, your advice is reckless. OP has barely revealed any depth or details about what is lacking in her relationship and you're already pushing her to give up on the relationship and divorce. Why don't give hope a little chance before you get all apocalyptic on a situation... Posted via Mobile Device
Phoenix, your advice is reckless. OP has barely revealed any depth or details about what is lacking in her relationship and you're already pushing her to give up on the relationship and divorce. Why don't give hope a little chance before you get all apocalyptic on a situation... Posted via Mobile Device
Did you not read what she has posted about her husband putting his family before her?
I'm not even focusing on her crush, I'm focusing on what her husband is doing in the marriage, that is in turn affecting her.
You're the one telling her to channel her energy into her husband, the very one who is putting his needs before her own.
She can't get her husband to change, she's already talked to him about the issues & he refuses to do anything about it.
That's not apocalyptic to point out that it maybe better to divorce him since he's chosing other people over his own wife.
And BTW, I wrote "If your husband won't change the way he puts his family first, then divorce him."
There's an IF in there, meaning, he still has a chance to do something about their marriage, I didn't immediately say divorce him no matter the situation.
I hate when people don't read throughly & comprehend the statements, then go jump other people's sh*t.
I find it interesting that you mention the amount of money the OM has to pay his ex-wife. Are you enticed by the thought that he has money?
You have not give us any particulars about the kinds of things that your husband is not supporting for with his family. So we cannot help by giving you ways of handling situations.
You need to find a way to tell your husband how serious you are that there is a problem. Since you are at the point of thinking about having an affair and enjoying the attention from the OM, you are thinking of ending your marriage... yes that is what an affair is.. the end of your marriage.
So tell your husband that he has been hurting you terribly by putting his family of origin first all the time. That you are his first family now and you HAVE to be first for your marriage to work. You feel second best and have come to the point where you feel like you don't even care about your marriage any more. You are seiously thinking of divorce. But you would like for the two of you to work to fix your marraige. Ask him to go to marriage counseling with you.
Also, ask him to read the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" with you (see the links in my signature block below).
If he refuses the counseling follow through by going to an attorney. Let him know you are filing. If he refuses to reconize that there is a serious problem when you are ready to leave, he does not care enough about you and your marriage. You have your answer.
But do not cheat. In the end YOU will suffer terribly from your own actions and you will lose a lot of the standing you have to complain about your husband's actions after you cheat.
i cant tell my hubs because it'd be wwIII, and i'm sure he'd do something immature and damaging to the marriage out of spite, hate and immaturity..
This sentence right here tells me alot about your attitude in this marriage. Your entertaining an affair, carrying on a dangerous flirtation and do not feel the slightest bit guilty yet if you told your husband this, HE is the one who would act immature etc...
Explore this further and you'll probably find the root of your issues with him.
elegirl... i'm only aware of his finances only because he's a customer of mine.. and i work in a freakin bank. it's my job. i never asked him how much he was transferring (total) or who he was transferring to. all i'm allowed to ask for is the name, the amount and the account number. the amount was extra information that he decided to share with me.. which i also shared. it doesnt mean im into him for money. gas station money comes and goes like THAT. $8,000 gone in the lottery acct once a month.. $10,000 gone from the gas acct every few weeks.. pay the beer guy.. the gatorade guy.. the chip guy.. there's so many expenses to consider, so it is IMPOSSIBLE to tell how well his business is doing because the balance changes by tens of thousands of dollars daily! i dont know how much is actually his for profit.. and i dont care. that's not why i think he's attractive. the thing that's really attractive about his is that he's really sweet and humble.. very personable and friendly. he just seems like a genuine person.
i cant go into too much detail about my hubs' family.. but it's not something i can fix alone. i'm not allowed to speak to them. there's a lot they're unaware of as far as our relationship goes. like everything..
i've told my hubs how much it bothers me time and time again.. but like i said.. he puts them before me... protecting their feelings is much more important than considering mine. there have been fights (verbal and physical), crying, pleading, yelling.. blah blah blah.. you name it.. i've tried in every way to address it. i did leave my hubs for a while because of this whole inlaw thing.. but it was only for about a week. and i wasnt prepared on any level (mostly emotionally) to actually leave. and this was before i really knew this other man.
so no.. the grass may not be greener.. but his lawn is frickin niiice looking from here. i love my hubs.. i'd do anything for him... but i'll admit my respect for him has greatly diminished. and i feel at least THAT IS justified.
i take my marriage day by frikkin day.. i have no idea what's going to happen.. and it's a terrifying feeling. like i sad.. for all i know his mom could grab his balls and tell him to divorce me.. and i think he might... life partners?? i wish and hope we are.. but we're not going down a good path..
i cant go into too much detail about my hubs' family.. but it's not something i can fix alone. i'm not allowed to speak to them. there's a lot they're unaware of as far as our relationship goes. like everything..
i've told my hubs how much it bothers me time and time again.. but like i said.. he puts them before me... protecting their feelings is much more important than considering mine. there have been fights (verbal and physical), crying, pleading, yelling.. blah blah blah.. you name it.. i've tried in every way to address it. i did leave my hubs for a while because of this whole inlaw thing.. but it was only for about a week. and i wasnt prepared on any level (mostly emotionally) to actually leave. and this was before i really knew this other man.
so no.. the grass may not be greener.. but his lawn is frickin niiice looking from here. i love my hubs.. i'd do anything for him... but i'll admit my respect for him has greatly diminished. and i feel at least THAT IS justified.
i take my marriage day by frikkin day.. i have no idea what's going to happen.. and it's a terrifying feeling. like i sad.. for all i know his mom could grab his balls and tell him to divorce me.. and i think he might... life partners?? i wish and hope we are.. but we're not going down a good path..
Verbal AND PHYSICAL??? As in he hit you? And you WENT BACK TO HIM??? Ok, it really boggles my mind that you are not allowed to talk to his family. I cannot wrap my head around that. And regarding the OM. I can understand the attraction...the IDEA that things look better... but, you don't know him outside what you see at the bank. He actually could be JUST LIKE your husband. Now, you say you love your husband. If this is true, then you need to forget about this OM. If you are unwilling to do that, then divorce your husband. But the one thing I will say... do not put up with abuse! There is NO excuse for hitting your spouse. None. I don't care WHAT the argument is about.
20Likes
i have a crush on another man... 
(JK.. )
