gimpstl

My wife and I have been married for 3 years now. Is it normal in a marriage to go on trips separately? For instance, this year, at work I have not been able to take vacation during the summer because we are implementing a new System in place. My vacation is being put on hold. My sister's wife, who lives in another state invited the both of us to a wedding she is in with her best friend. I could not end up taking vacation so we decided that my wife go by herself. Do you think this is normal in a healthy marriage? Or do you think should have said to me, "I know you can't take vacation now at work, so what I will do is instead of leaving for the wedding on Wed I will only attend during the weekend." The wedding is a Friday night wedding. I understand that she is not only going up for the wedding, but to spend time with her sister as well, and also see her cousins which she has not seen in about 1 year.

I will paint a cleaner picture so you can all understand where I am coming from and what my situation may be. My wife has always been very close to her family. She has always made time for her family. I on the other hand have grown up with very little family because my parents and I don't have much family living in the United States.

So I guess you can say I have come to ask the question if married couples should take vacations by themselves? My wife tells me she is perfectly happy with me if I decide to visit my friend who lives out of state, etc.

To be honest, I got this whole notion that "married couples can't take separate" vacations from a few older people as well as my parents. My thinking is they are coming from a standpoint that they are more conservative in nature and more family guided I guess? I really can't put it to words?

Any advice and opinions? If you don't understand something or need more explanation, please let me know and I will be happy to provide it.

FRANC

Hi gimpstl, welcome to TAM.

I hope my experience helps you with this...

My H and I are British, moved to the US East Coast almost 7 years ago, for my husbands work. Been very happy but i do miss my family, who are all in the UK. Husband is not as close to his family, but he does have relatives across the UK, US, Canada, Jamaica and Australia!

I have taken a few trips on my own to visit family in the UK. This has worked for us for a few reasons...i get to sit and chat with my old Dad (85 but more like 65) and my Mum, without H's eyes starting to glaze over LOL....i see my oldest best friend (met 30 years ago) and we go shop together...while my H works and takes care of our son. Due mostly to cost i only do this usually once a year.

My husband has taken a few trips without me, like to a sporting event i have no interest in, or a road trip to drive fast cars on a race track etc. No interest for me, and i would cramp his enjoyment.

I am also going to the UK for a long weekend in September to my nieces wedding, hubby needs to be here for our son who starts High School the week i leave.

I would only be concerned if he started taking lots of 'male only' trips with buddies to places like Vegas, and deliberately excluding me...then i might think something was up!

I also would never take what i call a real vacation without him, such as a week on a beach, because...well, i just wouldnt want to, and i wouldnt want him to either. But i dont think you are talking about that kind of vacation?

I suggest you do what works for you and your wife.

PBear

I'd be concerned if it happened "all the time", and you never took vacations together. But the situation you're talking about seems like a great compromise.

C
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SadSamIAm

This trip isn't what I would call a vacation. Going to see family isn't a vacation.

Part of this depends on the length of the trip. If she is leaving on Wednesday and returning on Sunday, then I don't see a problem. If she is going for a couple of weeks and using all her vacation time, then I might have an issue.

I have gone on a few one week golf trips with buddies. My wife has gone for a few long weekends with girl friends. We do these things because we also have two or three weeks of vacation time together each year on top of that.

wiigirl

Every marriage is different, who is to say whats normal? :P

diwali123

I agree, that's a trip not a vacation. It's not like she's going to some tropical island by herself to just have fun. It's about family. I think it's perfectly fine, it should make a good marriage stronger.
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gimpstl

great advice thanks...

gimpstl

what do you consider to be "all the time"?

Well, for the last 8-10 months we have not really been able to take vacations together because my vacations are on hold at work.

gimpstl

well its more than just going to see family. My wife is also going to a wedding her sister is going to be in.

to me a vacation is any time I spend away from "home". For example, if I am going to see a college football game, and spending a few days in my old college stomping grounds...that is a vacation to me.

She is leaving Wed mid day and returning Monday afternoon. Vacation time for her is not the issue, its more of an issue for me, she has plenty of vacation time.

The problem is we don't have the "income" yet to be able to support "multiple vacations or get aways"

gimpstl

To be honest, about this vacation thing...my mom and dad kind of put this in my head...or trying to influence me....that they are bothered by my wife taking "separate vacations". Maybe they are trying to instill in me their own style of marriage they have.

gimpstl

The big difference here is that I grew up mostly alone and without family besides my parents. I have one brother who is 13 years apart in age with me. So I guess you can say "all this family stuff is new and un familiar to me".

SadSamIAm

When we first started out, our vacations were very inexpensive. We bought a tent for $60 and went camping for 10 days. Very fond memories of that trip. Was very inexpensive.

Now that you bring money into the discussion it gets a bit cloudy. If you can hardly eat and pay your bills, then maybe she shouldn't be going.

If you can afford her trip, then I say, let her go. Make sure you spend vacation time together though when you get a chance.

YellowRoses

I honestly don't think a 5 day trip for an event and to catch up with family and friends once in a blue moon is any sort of problem.

If affordability is the issue, then that's something else of course

I think there are couples who promote never spending a night apart but I don't actually know any myself and most of my circle take the odd trip without their spouse for lots of different reasons

Hope1964

Sounds to me like you just need to smile and nod at your parents and then just throw their 'advice' out the bloody window. Sheesh. They're laying a guilt trip on you when they shouldn't be.

A wedding is not a 'vacation'. A vacation is when you go somewhere to relax and unwind, see the sights, do touristy things. You can take a vacation WITH your family, but going to see your family where they live and attending a wedding of theirs is not a vacation. Extending the wedding by a couple of days on either side isn't a vacation either.

If your wife was traipsing off to tropical islands without you then I'd say yeah, that's not good. But this? Nope. Not to worry.

Just last week I went camping with my parents on Wed and hubby didn't join me till Fri, because he has no more vacation time at work. I missed him terribly and hated doing it, but I did it for my parents. I haven't gone anywhere without hubby since summer 2010.

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lamaga

Well, there's your problem. Stop listening to your mom and dad.

There's nothing wrong with this, it's not like she's going off to a Club Med resort for two weeks. She's going to a family wedding.

Now - what's up that your parents are trying to sow discord in your marriage? I'd be more concerned about that, honestly.