expectations vs realistic - sex
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Old 07-11-2012, 05:46 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default expectations vs realistic - sex

This question is probably more geared towards the Sex in Marriage forum. But I know I will probably get one of two responses:
1) you the HD spouse is a victim, and your wife should do whatever to make you happy in bed
2) read MMSL

I'm hoping some women with more average sex drives, and good marriages could respond to this. For some different perspective.

In short, our marriage is solid. We have our issues (basic stuff like money and raising the kids) and have both done things to make it harder on each other at times. However, there is a lot of love there, and we generally try to communicate when things get out of kilter.

One of the issues we've had in our marriage basically the entire time (12+ years) is sex. Our sex issues have ranged from her difficulties getting aroused, to frequency, to what she is open to doing in the bedroom (I'm more adventurous than her). In short, almost the entire time I've been on her case about this. Last night after some good sex ironically enough, she told me she basically resents sex with me. According to her, I am never satisfied, that I'm always pushing in some way to do more in bed or do "it" more period AND she better enjoy it like me. Honestly, I feel that I handle my overblown expectations much better than I used to, but it still comes out in more subtle ways. But after 12 years, I can hardly blame my wife for her taking it all as one big headache.

Again, I'm learning all of this as of last night. Before, she'd explain her lack of desire/enthusiasm as she's too tired (she has bad sleep habits and so do our kids that she's largely responsible for).

Our sex life has had its times when it was real good. Actually, after our first child, once she healed up, we were all over each other and I remember it being passionate and fulfilling. That's when it was probably at its best.

I don't know how to fix this. This conversation was enlightening - never comprehending how much pressure I have put on her to be my own personal porn star. Which leads me to the title of this post - realistic v overblown expectations. I have a overcharged sex drive. I'm basically ALWAYS horny and am sexually adventurous. I've never really realized this - but I've essentially judged my wife harshly because she's not like me.
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Old 07-11-2012, 05:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: expectations vs realistic - sex

I'm glad you come to that conclusion that you have an overblown drive and that you and she were able to talk about it. I felt just like her at one point with my dh, and I had to tell him, he had literally hounded me so much (even if we had sex every day he was insatiable it just made him want it more) so I got to a point where I didn't even think about sex because he was always on me.... sounds like your wife is about at that point and is warning you a bit now. I get the whole guys on here with the MMSL and MAN UP stuff, but let's get real, those are for wives who are not having sex at all, or once a month or two... if your wife is giving once or twice a week or more, then she has a good sex drive, yours is just higher and you have to find a compromise and if she is giving and you are doing all the taking, then maybe it is time for you to start doing some giving in terms of some non sexual time when you want sex, just be with her and try something she wants to do, throw her thru a loop and turn her on in other ways. Just my thoughts.
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Old 07-11-2012, 06:22 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: expectations vs realistic - sex

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Originally Posted by livelaughlovenow View Post
I'm glad you come to that conclusion that you have an overblown drive and that you and she were able to talk about it. I felt just like her at one point with my dh, and I had to tell him, he had literally hounded me so much (even if we had sex every day he was insatiable it just made him want it more) so I got to a point where I didn't even think about sex because he was always on me.... sounds like your wife is about at that point and is warning you a bit now. I get the whole guys on here with the MMSL and MAN UP stuff, but let's get real, those are for wives who are not having sex at all, or once a month or two... if your wife is giving once or twice a week or more, then she has a good sex drive, yours is just higher and you have to find a compromise and if she is giving and you are doing all the taking, then maybe it is time for you to start doing some giving in terms of some non sexual time when you want sex, just be with her and try something she wants to do, throw her thru a loop and turn her on in other ways. Just my thoughts.
I wouldn't say she has a good drive. She's admitted that she probably hasn't felt 'horny' in over a year. But she makes an effort for my sake.
My expectations aren't just about frequency. Its about what we are doing in bed, her level of arousal, whether she has an orgasm or not etc.
Its the whole she-bang.
Basically, if we aren't having sex at least twice a week, it isn't passionate and hot with multiple positions, foreplay, with a little kinky/freaky, than I'm dissapointed. I deal with that disappointment a million times better than before, but it still comes out one way or another. I want her to be me when it comes to sex - which is totally unrealistic, and I've essentially held it against her.
And I don't know how to un-do the damage I've done.
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Old 07-11-2012, 06:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: expectations vs realistic - sex

I'm the HD spouse. What worked for me was to back up and redefine our relationship outside of the bedroom. In a way he was like a LD wife in that he had emotional needs I wasn't meeting. Once I began meeting those needs and really putting myself in his shoes our sex life took off. It was really simple once I figured it out.
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Old 07-11-2012, 07:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: expectations vs realistic - sex

hd? ld?
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Old 07-11-2012, 07:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: expectations vs realistic - sex

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Originally Posted by bkaydezz View Post
hd? ld?
high drive, low drive
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Old 07-11-2012, 07:42 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: expectations vs realistic - sex

thank you chilly! well in this case, with you both being so opposite in that, go dutch. compromise at first and see if you can get her to closer (slowly) to your HD (cool i can use that now that i know what it is. Thats hard to do. i was in a realationship once where i was HD and he was LD and it was horrible!!!!! always having to please yourself. and there wasnt any compromising on this might i add. everyones libido is different. but me and my boyfriend are both VERY HD haha. which is super cala fraja listic expealidocious AWESOME! i wouldnt want it any other way. besides the drives itslef and it not all being about needing it more or her needing it less, its a very huge form of communication for your love with one another!!!!!! maybe you should remind her of that
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Old 07-11-2012, 08:05 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: expectations vs realistic - sex

There is nothing wrong with being HD or wanting passionate sex.

However you have to evoke passion in your wife.

Starting with, does she ever see you as another child she has to take care of? Do you take responsibility for things and just do them, because you are a man/ father and it's the right fair thing to do? or does she act like your mother nagging you to do stuff with the kids or around the house? that is a huge sex drive killer right there.

When you say sleep issues, what are they and what has caused them?, what has stopped you as a man and a father from shouldering some of that responsibility?

I have found that a lot (not all, but many) women are turned on by men who take control, who treat women well, who are not pushovers, and are not doormats, will not allow any one (wife, family friends) to push them around, but who do their best to be a good caring loving husband.

Do you make her feel sexy, do you flirt, it's very very important, even if she is resistant at first. If she acts like she doesn't want to participate say something like "You are the sexiest woman in the world, and I'm so lucky you are mine, I would rather flirt with you then any one else, I have needs and I married you not just because you are my best friend, but because I am so excited by you, I just want to rip your clothes off" or something along those lines.

To me there is allways a reason to not have sex, headaches, sickness, tiredness, children and on and on. However the reasons to create the time to flirt and bring passion into your relationship should outweigh those, and it's funny when you start concentrating on each other and creating real passion how those other things just fall away or fall into place.

Good luck.

Last edited by *LittleDeer*; 07-11-2012 at 08:12 PM.
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Old 07-11-2012, 08:11 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: expectations vs realistic - sex

ahw little deer that was so good! but there are many fine points you brought up. telling a woman shes a nagger (when the man isnt understanding or listening to her) is definately a KILLER!
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Old 07-11-2012, 08:23 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: expectations vs realistic - sex

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Originally Posted by bkaydezz View Post
ahw little deer that was so good! but there are many fine points you brought up. telling a woman shes a nagger (when the man isnt understanding or listening to her) is definately a KILLER!
Yes never ever call a woman a nagger EVER. Ask your self why she might nag you? Are you a big kid or a man? Act like a man and and do what needs to be done to make your household work and the nagging should disapear (not saying you do that OP, just expanding).

If your wife is still "nagging" or talking down to you after you are doing what you can and seriously taking care of her (not doing everything, just your reasonable fair share), then you may be a doormat and you might need to get some self respect, and not let her push you around.

Women love balance, a good man who is not a doormatt nor an asz h0le. And one who pays attention, listens to what she is saying, remembers things she likes and goes out of his way each day to do a little something special for her. (She should of course reciprocate).
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Old 07-11-2012, 08:24 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: expectations vs realistic - sex

My spouse is very similar. He even hates quickies. Every time we have sex it often has to be multiple positions, oral sex for both of us, sexy/****ty talk (like I'm a hungry **** who loves c0ck) and so forth. If it's after 11pm, guess what? I don't want 45m of sex.

I have said that he wants sex to always be like a porn movie- it always feels like f%cking and never making love... I don't want to just f%ck because that's all he wants to do. And while I appreciate that he wants me to enjoy the act as much as he does... after only getting f%cking for so many years... I don't want that much anymore.
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Old 07-11-2012, 09:35 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Maybe this analogy better explains the issue.
I love breakfast. pancakes French toast bacon muffins eggs sausage waffles hash browns grits you get the point. i love going out for breakfast or having it at home.
My wife is oblivious about breakfast. she's rarely hungry in the morning. at best she likes hash browns from mcdonalds.
And we get in each others case for not being like the other. i wish she liked breakfast LIKE ME and going out for breakfast AND all types of foods. she thanks its a big waste of time and money and wishes i could appreciate some mcdonalds hash browns.
This is how we are about sex.
I wish she craved and desired it like me and was more adventurous. and I've always resented that she has so many hang-ups about it and has no desire for it.
She hates all the hassles and headaches I've given her about sex for over 12 years and nowadays she's admitted she doesn't feel close to me after sex but almost resents me. plus important always pushing the envelope warning to do new things or bring back stuff we used to do.
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Old 07-11-2012, 10:04 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: expectations vs realistic - sex

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Maybe this analogy better explains the issue.
I love breakfast. pancakes French toast bacon muffins eggs sausage waffles hash browns grits you get the point. i love going out for breakfast or having it at home.
My wife is oblivious about breakfast. she's rarely hungry in the morning. at best she likes hash browns from mcdonalds.
And we get in each others case for not being like the other. i wish she liked breakfast LIKE ME and going out for breakfast AND all types of foods. she thanks its a big waste of time and money and wishes i could appreciate some mcdonalds hash browns.
This is how we are about sex.
I wish she craved and desired it like me and was more adventurous. and I've always resented that she has so many hang-ups about it and has no desire for it.
She hates all the hassles and headaches I've given her about sex for over 12 years and nowadays she's admitted she doesn't feel close to me after sex but almost resents me. plus important always pushing the envelope warning to do new things or bring back stuff we used to do.
The problem with that analogy is, you could still eat out with your wife, at say breakfast and lunch times, or entice her with a breakfast she desires. You have to find out what makes her tick.

Most men have the ability to make their wives desire them. Then sex isn't difficult or a chore, it's two people who want each other badly.
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Old 07-11-2012, 10:07 PM   #14 (permalink)
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@ littledeer

Yes i do I've tried many of these things.
I help out around the house i clean on the weekends i help put the kids to bed clean the kitchen at night vacuum etc.
Her poor sleeping habits are her own doing. mostly cause of the kids. she insisted they sleep in our room when they were little. she claimed it was easier. when they were babies she woke up with them cause i worked and she stayed home. but I've always pushed to get the kids sleeping in their own room - she's always kind of fought it. so far i got one sleeping in their room and am working on the other.
Im the romantic one in our relationship planning dates anniversaries flowers etc. she has her moments but its generally my department. on Friday nights i come home from work and push the kids off to bed so we can cuddle on the couch and watch some tv or a movie together (no sex implied). when she gets a massage it isn't a prelude to sex its just a massage.
Im nor saying Im perfect but i do make an effort.
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Old 07-12-2012, 12:36 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: expectations vs realistic - sex

Sounds like your sex drives and how you express them are very different (very common in marriage!)...and you need to meet in the middle somewhere, here is a good book you can pick up, read together, it has worksheets near the back....in helping you understand each other.... You , Effess, is clearly an Erotic... they are a little more demanding and harder to please...because the intensity is higher.

Does this explain YOU (taken from the book) >>>
Quote:
You need passion, excitement and variety to feel that your relationship is vibrant & sustainable. This means enjoying frequent sexual touch such as fondling the breasts, patting the bottom (SPANKING), stroking the genitals as well as having regular prolonged exciting sex. Downside is this>> Erotic lovers can be rigid & judgemental .

You tend to believe that you are more sophisticated, knowledgeable & flexible than your partner. However, your acceptance of variety only relates to sex with "an edge" activities, but only those that give you a thrill. You tend to be dismissive of quietly sensual & predictable lovemaking ('Vanilla Sex"). Erotic Libido types can therefore find that their ideal relationship is elusive. Your belief that an erotic sex life is the necessary foundation for a committed relationship can lead you to the conclusion that either your relationship or your partner has a problem if your sex life lacks the exact CHALLENGES you desire
.
Here is the book link ... When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life

There are 10 libido types:

1. Sensual
2. Erotic
3. Compulsive
4. Dependent
5. Stressed
6. Disinterested
7. Detached
8. Addictive
9. Entitled
10. Reactive

Can figure out yours here>>> Identifying your Libido Type

Also a Lover Style Test CLICK HERE - just for a little more understanding of each other...

The Classic Lover
The Exotic Lover
The Suave Lover
The Carnal Lover
The Devoted Lover
The Surprising Lover
The Romantic Lover
The Liberated Lover

Love Languages Test here - in case you haven't done this - to see where you each feel the most loved >> The 5 Love Languages TEST

Just something you could both do together and learn about each other along the way ...in hopes to pleasing each other more so (and understanding why each is the way they are )... hopefully this can bridge the gap some.
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