Ladies, I'm expecting my first child (3 months pregnant) and I was remembering something my mom told me. that you have to always be a wife first before you are a mom. Do most of you believe this? If so, how do you do it? are there any little things you do to let your hubby know he is still #1? or how many of you think it is mom first, then wife?
And men, do any of you have wives who always put motherhood first before you? If so, how does this make you feel? What little things could your wife do to make you feel like you are still special when a new baby comes into the picture or with a growing family?
I absolutely agree with your mom. If either parent puts the children's needs above their spouses (not to the neglection of the kids of course), it will eventually lead to resentment of one or both of the parents. It will give the kids a sense of entitlement because they're more important than Mom or Dad. And of course it will give the kids a poor example to follow when it comes to parenting and relating to children when they're adults someday.
__________________ "I'm not a real doctor, but I play one on TAM." "Dude, stop saying 'no.' If your wife offers you a quickie in the back of a moving van, you say "YES!"
just remember that your children will grow up and move away but your husband will be there forever if you treat him properly.
also most families thrive when the wife and husbands make an effort to stay connected emotionaly/sexually.
I think the problems start when you hear about couples who let their marriage play second fiddle to their kids needs. the most important need for a child is a safe happy home with both parrents.
It's all about who needs you most at any given time. And you need to be able to recognize when someone's need is greater than someone elses and balance the attention your kids need with that of your husband.
To say you should ALWAYS put either your husband or your kids first will spell disaster. Your kids will need you less and less as they grow up, so when they're little is the hardest time. It's a delicate balancing act to make sure and stay connected with your husband but not neglect your kids either. As long as you are conscious of it, you should be fine. You need to make a point of dating your husband, make time for sex and romance. Don't be afraid to hire a sitter for an evening or a weekend.
As a man I don’t know what’s in a woman’s mind, heart and soul. I just don’t know.
But what a wonderful, fabulous question you ask. I think it’s “juggling”. In that in some way as a wife and mother you work some kind of a spell.
Maybe ask SimplyAmorous about these things. She has the “magic dust”. As did my wife. Lucky and blessed guys are we.
It’s a kind of magic in that you look after your “pride”, like a lioness.
Sometimes you’ll seriously test the male in your pride. Bear in mind that if he’s with you, as you chose him he’ll be a seriously good man and well worthy of your thoughts, love and considerations.
It's an attitude. My husband comes before my kids. His needs are more important than theirs.
That said babies are needy. So yes there will be a season where you will have times when they will have to come first in that moment. They will need to be fed, changed, held, and rocked. Where I think most women go wrong with this is getting too wrapped up in motherhood and they forget their husbands. Or worse they begin to treat their husband as just another child.
It is a balancing act but I agree as long as you make sure to stay connected to your husband you will be fine. Just remember one day your kids will be older, will have friends of their own, will move out, etc. and he will still be there. They won't.
yes, wife first. This has always been our philosophy. Spouse first. It has served us well for 35 years. As far as the how do you do it part. I will have to have my wife (East coast girl) to answer that. Posted via Mobile Device
Well, biologically speaking, oxytocin (sp?) is released when an infant nurses and during orgasm. It is the bonding hormone; which happens most? And most pre-industrialized cultures nurse/nursed for about 2 years, to ensure proper nutrition, although by 2 years, nursing is down to 1x or 2x/day.
I think this facilitates the ability of a woman to find different mates for each of her kids--it's natures way of making the male lose interest (b/c the female neglects him for the baby), so he moves on. When she is interested in breeding again, she finds a new male--which means, her offspring have genetic diversity, which is a much better guarantee that her DNA will get passed on.
Of course, humans can socially contruct arrangements, such as marriage, that go against biology. Just decide what's more important to you--being a mom or being a wife. And I beg to differ about kids not being there; only if you totally and hugely screw up. There are way more divorced couples than alienated children. Just sayin' (I know someone hates that phrase, so I had to thow it in just as a tease. Sorry!)
The juggling bit is right and you have to devote time to both - unfortunately my wife did not follow this advice. She devoted all her time to the children neglecting both myself and herself. She lost interest in me and put on weight, didn't bother with make-up or her appearance and it resulted in me having an affair. We eventually got over this and all was resolved and we stayed together but took a couple of years and as a result I believe our behaviour at the time has impacted on how our (now adult) daughter turned out.
Get a decent babysitter in, dress up sexy for your man and treat him (or get him to treat you) to the occasional night out to keep your marriage sweet!
The kids wouldn't be there if it weren't for the husband, and I think it's important for him to always know that he's number one. IMO, a H and W should put one another first, but jointly agree to put the kids before themselves.
And men, do any of you have wives who always put motherhood first before you? If so, how does this make you feel? What little things could your wife do to make you feel like you are still special when a new baby comes into the picture or with a growing family?
My wife has always put the kids, herself and even her friends before me. I'm sure this is what her mom told (or at least showed) her and probably what her friends do too.
Sadly, there are consequences to these choices. My wife suffers greatly for the choices of her mom and suffers again for her own choices. This deeply saddens me. I try to help her but it's like the old joke:
me - "Mr Fish, what's it like living in all that water?"
I was remembering something my mom told me. that you have to always be a wife first before you are a mom. Do most of you believe this?
I feel your Mom's advice is very very wise. I have many regrets about how I allowed wanting children so desperately (when I couldn't conceive after our 1st), then when they started coming, how I put my husband on the back burner, I was just so overwhelmingly THANKFUL for them, I allowed my world to revolve around them, half forgetting the man who helped me create them. Things were still GOOD but they could have been better / hotter /more excitement between the 2 of us. I wasn't even the "tired Mom" like so often is the case.
But I lived & breathed how to keep THEM happy, how to enhance their little lives and wasnt concentrating on US, getting away, taking little vacations alone..it was always "family vacations" for us, big birthday bashes - for 19 long yrs, we didn't think we needed those date nights. I regret these things.
I remember a time yrs ago, my Aunt insisted on baby sitting for us, and when we got off alone, I recall this thought came over me sitting across from him in the restaurant..... "Hmmm, what do we even talk about -if it isn't the kids!" - we allowed them to be our focus way too much.....romance subsided.
This never should have been. If we water the romance, and keep the sexual connection humming, Dad will be very happy indeed. This, I learned, later was what my husband was missing the most. I also was stupid enough to put the babies in bed with us...He just let me do it -he should have put a stop to that early on! Not sure what I was thinking either, talk about dampering the sex life!
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If so, how do you do it? are there any little things you do to let your hubby know he is still #1?
People generally make time for what is important to them ....We find a way... do this for our husbands, keep those date nights, swap baby sitting favors with friends if you have too. Get the kids in bed early....be creative- how to keep them entertained so you have time alone every single day.
Set your alarm a little early to give our husbands attention in the am -before he goes off to work, whatever you can fit into your schedules, make it a priority.
Keep the flirting, teasing and pleasing all the way through. We can all be great Moms , good homemakers and fantasitc Lovers. It is a balancing act but so possible.
And when we GIVE our husbands this time, him feeling loved and appreciated, he is more likely going to be stepping up to help in every way he can with the kids too!
It's an attitude. My husband comes before my kids. His needs are more important than theirs.
That said babies are needy. So yes there will be a season where you will have times when they will have to come first in that moment. They will need to be fed, changed, held, and rocked. Where I think most women go wrong with this is getting too wrapped up in motherhood and they forget their husbands. Or worse they begin to treat their husband as just another child.
It is a balancing act but I agree as long as you make sure to stay connected to your husband you will be fine. Just remember one day your kids will be older, will have friends of their own, will move out, etc. and he will still be there. They won't.
I agree with this, but note that the worst thing is to make your husband the hired help. I have seen couples where all aspects of the family revolve around the wife's job of raising the children. Every decision was seen through that lens. The husband's job was to provide money and another set of hands to help the kids.
While we never got that bad, there were a couple of fights where I essentially asked if my wife would even care if I disappeared after she got the kids to bed. Fortunately, we really worked really hard to get back to a place where we were spouses and lovers, as well as parents. It took both of us, but i do think that mother's attention to their child can be difficult to moderate.
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wife first or mom first? 
(I know someone hates that phrase, so I had to thow it in just as a tease. Sorry!)
Not sure what I was thinking either, talk about dampering the sex life! 
