amillionpieces85

the title says it all. I'm 26, been married for 3 years now, with my husband for 7. We love each other deeply, but we have the unhealthiest, most disrespectful, most degrading marriage on the face of this planet. Since day one all it has been is bickering, fights, yelling and screaming, and degrading one another. I dont know what it is exactly. I do know that theres lots of resentment going on. Theres alot of mistrust. And absolutely no communication what so ever. We both have the biggest egos in the world, so when we get into fights we rather die than admit our faults. We argue over the simplest stupidest things, but then go on without speaking to one another for weeks. if he or i get sick, or tired, or cries, or whatever, we immediately rush to be at each others sides, we forget what it was we even fought about, and life just moves on. until another problem occurs.
currently, hes in one state im in another. we've been apart for 2 months because we decided to change states, so while he's settling down there and doing whatever needs to be done, im still here living on my own and im always at wits end, like a balloon ready to pop, i feel like he's not doing enough for us, and i hate that im here suffering on my own waiting on him to "allow" me to go by him. when he first left, it was "oh, i miss you, and love you so much" blah blah blah, now its constant yelling and bickering and i just hate communicating with him because it just depresses me. i cant stop crying. ive told him, as of last night, that i just want a divorce. and even though i know he doesnt want it too, he says he'll give me what i want. the thing is, i honestly do not know if thats the solution for us. please help :

This is me

Marriage Counseling.

It sounds like you understand very well what the problems are and you both continue to participate in the childish behaviors.

Resentment is poison in a marriage and it sounds like you both are building up a ton of it. You both"love each other deeply" so seek professional help. Your marriage is ill and like any illness you would go see a doctor/professional to fix it.

If you really love each other, it really only takes one of you to be the good example and the other usually will follow suit.

I wish you both well!

__________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBDmUqp0JTU&noredirect=1

Don't Give Up! Patience.

http://nashlinks.com/midlife.htm

AFEH

It really does sound like you’re caught up in your ego, and you know it. It is seriously good that you are aware of it, a lot aren’t. Your ego will blind you at times and cause you pain.

Sometimes you just need to get way from it, let it relax, stretch a bit and grow. If you’d like to do that then read Awareness by Anthony de Mello Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books.

He’ll give you a totally different perspective on life and a new and enlightening way of looking at it and understanding it.

amillionpieces85

Thanks guys. Sometimes I just think the root of the problem is so deep that we would just be better off leaving one another, save each other our pride and dignity. Our issues are so deep.
I come from a background that degrades women to an extreme, and I grew up between women that were just made into wives to sit their @$$es in the kitchen .. that's what I was told as I was growing up "why pursue your education, you'll only end up in the kitchen", so I built huge walls, couldn't trust anyone (men in specific) and did pursue my education and my career. But the one thing is I never, ever let a man get to me. I never let any man tell me that i was "wrong" because of these "men" that i grew up around. tell me I cant and I will. Again, my ego. I really need to work on that. Usually after an argument or fight, when I've calmed down, I'll sit with myself and convince myself that my ego isn't getting me anywhere, that I do love this man, that he hasn't stood against me when it comes to my dreams and career, and that I do need to give in sometimes, it's not wrong that a woman gives every once in a while, and if it's for what's best for us then why not. Then when he approaches me to talk about our problem, the minute he says "you ..." BEFORE he can even continue I'm raging. I dont want to hear it anymore. Even if he is right. I just lash out at him and don't give him a chance to continue. I've never in our 3 years of marriage admitted that I was wrong, even if deep down I knew I was. So, since I do know that I have this ego problem, but it does go back ages, since I was younger, do you really think there's hope for me? I'm really starting to give up ... honestly.

Stonewall

Why, just why?
Posted via Mobile Device

amillionpieces85

Why what?

amillionpieces85

That's what brought me here Pink. It breaks my heart to say it, but I dont miss him. I miss what we used to be. I miss who I thought we were. Before our marriage. But I feel like I can move on without him, and vice versa. It really does break my heart to have come to this realization. I do love him. But the passion is gone. The problems, the degrading, the lashes, they've all taken a toll on me, and I just want for this nightmare to be over.

that_girl

I wouldn't call it love.

amillionpieces85

I say that too sometimes ... but I do love him, and I do know he loves me too ... but there are deeper issues that need to be addressed that we havent and we lack communication, neither one of us is willing to be the wiser, better one - hence our situation. :/

Cosmos

I agree with This is Me that MC would be a good idea for you both, and perhaps IC, too, to help with the ego / anger issues that you both appear to have.

If you both love one another, it's worth trying to resolve these problems, but letting things continue unchecked will eventually totally erode your relationship.

__________________

For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
(Carl Sagan)

Stonewall

If you dont know what I mean by why when you just posted about how ya,ll treat each like that then I am speechless.
Posted via Mobile Device

amillionpieces85

When I first read your q, my initial answer was "i honestly dont know", because I dont. But I just wasnt too sure if you had a specific reason behind your "why?" or you were simply asking why, so I asked ...

So, to answer your q, I dont know. If I'd known, I wouldnt be here.

amillionpieces85

I really don't know, I just dont. I would love to get into counseling with him, but knowing his ego and his personality, I really do doubt that he would give in. He doesn't think anyone should know of our problems (especially a stranger) and believes through communication we can solve everything. That only lasts for a nano of a second.
Besides, counseling is out of the q for us now because we are living in different states.
It's not that I dont miss him, I just dont miss him because I know if I miss him and do look for him we'll end up fighting, so I rather have him away for a few days (no communication) doing whatever the hell it is that he's doing than speaking. Theres just always tension in the air when we speak. I dont trust him, for numerous reasons, he doesnt trust me, for his own reasons too, and that alone is such a HUGE reason for all the tension.
Ugh, I just feel so lonely. With or without him. Does that makes sense?

YellowRoses

I think you need to say what the issues you fight about are for anyone to give you much insight

This seems like a story with too much missing

I can't even tell if you are separated or if the different states thing is temporary for practical/work/study reasons

Stonewall

Make a decision to break the cycle. It only takes one persoon to break an impass. If he is acting that way towards you then don't respond in kind. Walk away and say you don't want this twisted relationship. Tell him when he wants to treat you with respect then you will talk. But thhose same rules would have to apply to you.
Posted via Mobile Device