Got a little disagreement with my girl that I could use some input on. I'll preface this by saying that I am damaged goods - I am divorced due to infidelity on my wife's part, and have been cheated on in a couple previous long term relationships as well. I would really like to never have that happen to me again, and I am trying to establish new relationship boundaries & patterns to that end.
I have been dating a girl exclusively for about 7 mos now. She's 30 and I'm 38. We are both social, successful, fit, and attractive. She's never been married and does not want kids, and I don't want another ex-wife or any more kids. We mostly get along great, but I am concerned about a couple friendships she has with other guys that I would classify as "chummy". I'm growing more and more uncomfortable with them as I invest more into the relationship.
1- Next Door Neighbor: She periodically goes running with this guy after work. He is her age and not a bad looking guy. She has mentioned that he has expressed interest a couple times, complimenting her looks, etc. They have also hung out at one another's house drinking a couple times, and went to a concert once with another girlfriend of hers. They will text jokes and inane stuff periodically, not daily but more than weekly. She says she would never date a next door neighbor, which is a weak argument IMO. People cheat on their spouses with next door neighbors.
2- Ex-Boyfriend: She keeps in fairly regular contact with him, and hangs out periodically. I've never met this guy. They have mutual friends that moved away, and they hang out together when the mutual friends come to visit. She has told me that she gets the feeling that these friends try to play matchmaker, hoping to get them back together. Last week her shift was cut at work, and she didn't have anything to do in the afternoon. He called and asked her if she would go look at a house with him which he was considering submitting an offer, which she did. She also texts inane stuff with him somewhat regularly. She says he's no threat since his cheating was the cause of their split.
Honestly, both of these guys seem pretty cool, like people that I might befriend myself. But, I'm not comfortable with her friendships with them. I know this is my baggage coming out, and I never had these boundaries with past partners, but where did that get me? I sat her down last Friday night and explained my position, but we basically left it at "we will agree to disagree". I know this probably just means she won't bother to tell me next time she hangs out with one of them.
To be fair, I have a 4 yr old daughter with my ex, we had a pretty amicable split, and we do things together as a "family" periodically for my daughter's benefit and/or so I can see her a little more often than my custody schedule dictates. I also keep in touch with an ex-gf of mine who I was with for 6 yrs. We text / talk to catch up maybe once a month. Our kids are friends, and we do playdates maybe once a quarter or less. I have zero relationship interest in these women, but I understand my gf's distaste for them.
Am I being unfair? I feel like it's okay to have friends of the opposite sex, but I don't like the level of closeness that I see in these two relationships that she has. Random made-up example: I don't think she should be texting with her neighbor about the weather. My ex cheated with a workout partner, so clearly I have issues with running with him. Although I asked her to on a couple occasions, she did not make time to preview the house I just bought with me, and only came over after I was completely moved in. I told her that struck a nerve and she understood.
This bothers me enough to end the relationship if she doesn't agree to these boundaries, but maybe I just need to put on my big boy britches and get over it unless I want to be celibate?
I've been cheated on by two husbands and I could never be in a relationship with someone who didn't understand what that meant. Which to me is they unfortunately would be on a very short leash. Which means I would probably be by myself.
I've been cheated on by two husbands and I could never be in a relationship with someone who didn't understand what that meant. Which to me is they unfortunately would be on a very short leash. Which means I would probably be by myself.
Hope shows a lot of insight.
Maybe the truth is, OP, that you are not healed enough to be in a relationship yet. I don't know, but maybe just think about it?
she must be enjoying the attention fro mthe neighbor if he has expressed intrest and still goes running with him. thats disrespectful. both of you shouldnt have contact with anyone you have been in an intimate relationship with. thats a no go.
like tacoma said, drop that boundarie. but not just of rher for yourself to.
I think there are way too many " outside influences" , on both sides in your present relationship. What you are feeling is the effects of it.
You are probably not feeling as " close " as you want to be with her.
Both of you should decide if you want to be exclusive . If so then cut off the " excess fat."
That ex bf thing is extremely dangerous.
Whenever you all have serious disagreements he will be right there waiting for her, during her most vulnerable state.
I was with you right up until you said you go on outings with your daughter AND your ex to do "family" things. So you hanging out with your ex is pretty much the same as her hanging out with hers. People can and do cheat with familiar, because it's comfortable. And you say you have an ex girlfriend that you text with once in a while and do playdates with....okay.
Not to sound rude, but if she should have to cut the ex from her life, you should do the same with yours (obviously you have a child/children with one of them, but you don't need to hang out and do "family" things with her, just do them with your daughter and GF). You say you have no interest in these women, so your GF may feel the same way about these men.
But either way, cut off the close contact with all the ex's, no more texting for either of you, no more playdates with them, no more "family" outings (I imagine THAT would make your GF feel pretty crappy, even if she doesn't voice it) with your child's mother. And she should stop all contact with her ex and running man.
The boundaries shouldn't only apply to her, you need them as well, since you're doing the same things.
I think that if you're going to drop that boundary, you need to be certain that you, yourself are capable of it.
It just screams to me that if you're going to be in touch with one ex, and "family" visiting with the other, if she understands and drops the male friends it WILL come back to haunt you. She'll end up building resentment towards you over it (not intentionally) and one day during an argument, it will come out.
you cant say she can't because of xyz, but you can because you've never committed xyz.
He's not playing house with his ex. He has a child who needs family memories. i did this with my daughter's father after we broke up. For years we'd do birthdays for her, a holiday dinner, a special day at school for her and we'd take her to lunch, etc. THAT was for OUR child...I hated those things A night with him? My bfs understood MY boundary with that. My child needed good memories. End of story. My parents did the same for me when they divorced. Dinners, movies, FAMILY time...for me. It stopped as I grew older, as it did for my child, but my ex (as much as I hate to say it) was and is family. That's how I see him. Now it's different because I'm married. I wouldn't do things with him without my husband. But when I was dating, my ex was a part of my life because we were raising a child TOGETHER. That's co-parenting. And my daughter treasures those memories and pictures of us doing things together with the child we created. She didn't ask for our breakup. Sorry, but I don't agree with the fact that he needs to stop doing family things with his daughter and ex. He's not married to his gf and it's only been 7 months with his gf. A gf who doesn't really seem all that committed anyway.
Now with the ex-gf you keep in touch with....wtf for? Your kids are friends and you have playdates? What? Stop this crap. seriously. That's weird. No way in hell would I want my husband's ex and her kids over playing with mine. NO!
Your gf now is a flirt. Period. She gets off on this. Why would she hang out with an ex who cheated on her if she didn't have another motive than "just friends". Sorry, I don't buy her story that they are just all buds.
Many people on this board have been cheated on. You are likely to get a lot of "cut off all ties, and she should too" -type of advice.
I honestly cannot tell you one way of the other, because it shoudl be up to you too to agree what works for you. What I do see is that you obviously have not fully come to terms with your past. I suspect having been cheated on is still hurting you and this hurt causes you to feel very insecure about your gf's friendships.
My husband has also been cheated on in his past relationships. He gets very jealous and insecure over my friendships, even girls sometimes, and I can understand why. However, I have not agreed to cut all contacts with these people. Why?
1) Because they are my friends, and most of them have been since before I met my husband. They are important to me. So is my husband, but eventhough he is the no 1 person in my life, I do not think it's healthy for him to be the only one person in my life.
2) He has friends of both sexes too. He meets his female friends more regularly then I even email with my male friends. I don't have any problem with this. I know he sometimes gets much better along with women as friends. Sometimes I do so with men. To me this is natural.
I would not, however, go drinking alone with a male friend of mine. I just don't trust people on alcohol enough. My husband doesn't do this either. I am also not tight friends with my exes, nor is my husband. We have our exes as friends on facebook, but don't even talk to them. Hubby met one of his a year or so ago to catch up, I haven't met mine in years.
I have to say learning about my husband's jealousy in calm conversations about the subject has affected my behavior some. I try to watch my behavior with new people so that I don't come off as flirty. I check in with my husband if I'm out for a long time without him, and I discuss my plans with him to see how he feels about them. He has read email conversations with my male friends and learned that nothing deep or emotional goes on there, just friendly chatter and joking about.
We haven't fully conquered the issue, but he has gotten much less jealous over the 2 years we've been together. I think it will still take time for him to learn to trust me. Talking about our feelings seems to me to be the key. We both have a lot to learn on that department, how to communicate more effectively and lovingly, but it's slowly getting better.
You two haven't been together for such a long time, it's natural for you to have these jealous feelings. You're starting to feel more deeply towards her, but you don't know whether to trust her with these men or not. Talk, talk, talk about it! I advice you not to walk up to her and say "Stop contacting these guys immediately!" That simply cannot end in mutual understanding. I advice you to talk about it, say your side and hear hers out. Repeat. Brainstorm for different solutions (do not shoot each other down), guidelines and limits for contacting with these people, to try out. Get together again in some time and discuss if the limits worked or if they should be adjusted. Work together on it!
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Girlfriend's Male Friends 
A night with him? 
My bfs understood MY boundary with that. My child needed good memories. End of story. My parents did the same for me when they divorced. Dinners, movies, FAMILY time...for me. It stopped as I grew older, as it did for my child, but my ex (as much as I hate to say it) was and is family. That's how I see him. Now it's different because I'm married. I wouldn't do things with him without my husband. But when I was dating, my ex was a part of my life because we were raising a child TOGETHER. That's co-parenting. And my daughter treasures those memories and pictures of us doing things together with the child we created. She didn't ask for our breakup. Sorry, but I don't agree with the fact that he needs to stop doing family things with his daughter and ex. He's not married to his gf and it's only been 7 months with his gf. A gf who doesn't really seem all that committed anyway.
