To start, I should say that he is a great person. He is very respectful and considerate toward me, also very supportive (especially with my studies). I love him very deeply, and he says that he loves me too. I should also add that he is a very good cook and constantly cooks food for me, in addition to many other little things to make me feel better. I appreciate all of those qualities very much, in addition to his tall and muscular stature which I find very attractive.
The first problem I'd like to mention is, while he is considerate and supportive as I have mentioned, he is emotionally shy, fears intimacy and doesn't like to be vulnerable. He does flatter me with words, but he does not initiate skin contact with me except to seduce me. It is always me who goes after him for emotional contact. I asked him why is this so, and he said that he is very emotional but people have convinced him to keep it to himself. He mentioned that there was a girl who he flirted extensively with took him for granted and thwarted him because of how emotional he was, so he learned to be cool-headed from then on. After talking about this with him, he does try to initiate emotional contact with me now but I don't find it nearly enough, and I would be embarrassed to say "love me more" to him.
And then there are problems in our sex life. He has been the best sexual partner I have had and probably will remain that way forever. I know, it sounds contradictory. The problem is that he makes me feel very inadequate. Until I had sex with him, he was supposedly a virgin. I was not able to believe this because he was a sensual powerhouse. He said that he studied how to please women and learned meditation techniques to detach himself in order to last as long as he wants. So he trained himself for sex and I am just some clueless girl. He says that what matters to him is my satisfaction. But I find him too intense because he just keeps at it for a very long time until I can't take it anymore. Has his orgasm, great, then anohter one, and then yet anohter one without any recuperation (he just flips me over and gives me oral for a few minutes, I do not give him oral at all though he doesn't complain). At first I thought I found the perfect man but over time it has begun to drive me insane because I have gotten sick and tired of not being able to fully satisfy him and getting wrecked every single time. I should also mention that I had severe problems with reaching orgasm before I met him, even now it causes problems and it visibly upsets and aggravates him. He doesn't take it on me, but it still makes me unconfortable seeing him like that because of my problem.
I am getting very afraid of losing him because of those problems. I think there is a serious imbalance in the "give-and-take" part of this relationship and that combined with sex will one day make him snap, get up and leave. He already hangs around the house like a giant robot timed to self-destruction which intimidates me. I am also feeling unsure about what to think of him, because as I said, he is so intense yet distant emotionally. I started to think that he may have a personality disorder or two. I think so because when I look at other couples, I don't understand why such a person hasn't left me already. I can't cook, have nothing to offer him except cuddles and can't enjoy myself properly during sex, yet alone help him enjoy me. Lately I noticed how he stares blankly to nowhere during intercourse, which has made me feel very concerned and unattractive.
Now if he decides to leave me tomorrow he probably wouldn't have any guilt because of how imbalanced our relationship is. How did it come to this? And he probably would find someone new on the same day because he just attracts girls right onto him already, with all of those looks and abilities. I am weary of feeling protective and sad.
He is the sort of person who reveals his true feelings when he is drunk. Since he always welcomes me when I want him, I thought it would be fun to seduce him when he was drunk. He thwarted me which made me feel very sad. This made me think about our situation. If he doesn't want me even when he is drunk, why does he seduce me when he is not? Does he take is as some sort of responsibility? I can't believe what I'm thinking.
I know that this paragraph will sound mad, but then I *am* going mad myself. Maybe his reasons for being with me like this are much more sinister. Perhaps he is pulling all of his tricks to satisfy his huge ego, proving to himself how much of an "alpha-male" he is. He may even know of how I am feeling right now and repressing his laughs behind that blank stare of his. And when he has completely drained me, he will just move onto his next meal. Am I being too judgemental or reasonable? I can't see the borders anymore.
I fantasized about him being a closet gay but that can't be true because he is clearly attracted to women and doesn't like homosexual people (as I don't). I want understand him and want him to understand me. I am completely lost right now and don't know what to do or how to approach him. He scares me greatly for many reasons, how much he gives me, how intense he is and also because how mysterious he is. I would really appreciate help.
I don't really understand the sexual issues you're talking about? Does he not reach orgasm? This mostly just sounds like you being very insecure. What will make you feel better in this relationship? Get some instructional sex tapes and learn some things if that bothers you.
He mentioned that there was a girl who he flirted extensively with took him for granted and thwarted him because of how emotional he was, so he learned to be cool-headed from then on.
This is your problem right here. He's making YOU pay for what someone else did to him. It shows in how he treats you in and out of the bedroom. This is not okay. Being vulnerable is part of being in a relationship. Being emotional is what keeps couples together. He's missing the best part. Yes he's trying to keep from getting hurt but he's also keeping himself (and you) from feeling joy as well.
Do NOT marry this man until he fixes this. It will only get worse after marriage.
Well he's just your boyfriend so you can't expect him to act like a husband. I don't think he has a personality disorder. He's just trying to be a young stud and he keeps his cards close to his vest. (I'm assuming your young.) I think it's that simple. In fact, I think you have some deep rooted insecurity issues. Your a bit paranoid.
"He may even know of how I am feeling right now and repressing his laughs behind that blank stare of his. And when he has completely drained me, he will just move onto his next meal."
It's well written and something I'm going to remember for a while, but do you really think he's evil like this? Does he show compassion through his actions in other areas of your relationship? Many men show their affecting throught their actions and do not expresss them verbally. He's not ready for marriage for sure, but are you really complaining about a guy who goes the extra mile to satisfy you? You won't find many other guys who will be able to do this.
I wouldn't be able to get past the feeling that he lied to me about being a virgin. I also couldn't get past his inability to be present with me during love making. No doubt most men train themselves that way in order to last longer, but I've never been able to actually notice it to feel left out or to feel like a recepticle.
Damn... And you girls wonder why some guys have so much trouble in bed... Just look at the amount of demands you place on some poor bastard that is just starting out and did his homework.
The reason he looks detached is because he is going at it like a car mechanic. He studied and trained and he wants to be perfect in every way. This leaves little room for him to just let his guard down and enjoy the connection.
Want proof of this?
I should also mention that I had severe problems with reaching orgasm before I met him, even now it causes problems and it visibly upsets and aggravates him.
He is insecure about his own performance. Any sort of non orgasmic episode he gets concerned that he is not doing it right. It's a TECHNICAL issue for him. But for you ladies its always emotional.
Give this guy some time and he will be fine.
Seras Victoria you sound very insecure about yourself. Your boyfriend has picked you. You have qualities.
I know that this paragraph will sound mad, but then I *am* going mad myself. Maybe his reasons for being with me like this are much more sinister. Perhaps he is pulling all of his tricks to satisfy his huge ego, proving to himself how much of an "alpha-male" he is. He may even know of how I am feeling right now and repressing his laughs behind that blank stare of his. And when he has completely drained me, he will just move onto his next meal.
I've personally heard this complain as a post situation confession. And it's about this:
He scares me greatly for many reasons, how much he gives me, how intense he is and also because how mysterious he is.
This guy is paying his cards just right. He is either a natural or he didn't just study the sexual part of it. He has you by the hook.
Don't worry so much. He wouldn't put so much intensity and effort in it if he did not felt it for you. I get the feeling that this guy must be like me a lot. He could be a "playa" but he has different needs only a certain special woman can fill. Apparently that woman is you!
Hmm he sounds a lot like me, started off emotional and loving, grew up and hardened up due to some sort of trauma, now having issues with vulnerability, open with his feelings when drunk, and only touches you to seduce you heh
Drove the missus to extensive lengths of frustration, but she drove me nuts as well. Emotional distance is a self-defence mechanism kinda like a reflex - and just like it will take time to train/retrain your reflexs, it will take him time to let his guard down. The missus and I are still dealing with it, and the issue can be very deep and have its roots from trauma - there may be things that he has not told you because he feels you may not understand.
Instead of beating yourself up for it, chill, relax, let him himself decide whether it's safe for him to come out of the closet and start farting rainbows and lovey dovey butterflies. It may take years before he wakes up and realises what he has. To shorten the timespan, the only and best thing you can do is to ensure that you maintain his trust and build his confidence in allowing himself to feel and to show love.
Some traumas make a man (or child in my case in the past) swear never to be so stupid again and/or never to allow one's self to be so vulnerable. For me, it was a law/rule/personal code of conduct fueled by extreme disgust at my own past stupidity that I've had for years since 12. I still hold back much from my wife, but it does not mean she is in anyway inadequate.