I can't stop thinking about my boyfriend
Hello. My problem is my boyfriend.
To start, I should say that he is a great person. He is very respectful and considerate toward me, also very supportive (especially with my studies). I love him very deeply, and he says that he loves me too. I should also add that he is a very good cook and constantly cooks food for me, in addition to many other little things to make me feel better. I appreciate all of those qualities very much, in addition to his tall and muscular stature which I find very attractive.
The first problem I'd like to mention is, while he is considerate and supportive as I have mentioned, he is emotionally shy, fears intimacy and doesn't like to be vulnerable. He does flatter me with words, but he does not initiate skin contact with me except to seduce me. It is always me who goes after him for emotional contact. I asked him why is this so, and he said that he is very emotional but people have convinced him to keep it to himself. He mentioned that there was a girl who he flirted extensively with took him for granted and thwarted him because of how emotional he was, so he learned to be cool-headed from then on. After talking about this with him, he does try to initiate emotional contact with me now but I don't find it nearly enough, and I would be embarrassed to say "love me more" to him.
And then there are problems in our sex life. He has been the best sexual partner I have had and probably will remain that way forever. I know, it sounds contradictory. The problem is that he makes me feel very inadequate. Until I had sex with him, he was supposedly a virgin. I was not able to believe this because he was a sensual powerhouse. He said that he studied how to please women and learned meditation techniques to detach himself in order to last as long as he wants. So he trained himself for sex and I am just some clueless girl. He says that what matters to him is my satisfaction. But I find him too intense because he just keeps at it for a very long time until I can't take it anymore. Has his orgasm, great, then anohter one, and then yet anohter one without any recuperation (he just flips me over and gives me oral for a few minutes, I do not give him oral at all though he doesn't complain). At first I thought I found the perfect man but over time it has begun to drive me insane because I have gotten sick and tired of not being able to fully satisfy him and getting wrecked every single time. I should also mention that I had severe problems with reaching orgasm before I met him, even now it causes problems and it visibly upsets and aggravates him. He doesn't take it on me, but it still makes me unconfortable seeing him like that because of my problem.
I am getting very afraid of losing him because of those problems. I think there is a serious imbalance in the "give-and-take" part of this relationship and that combined with sex will one day make him snap, get up and leave. He already hangs around the house like a giant robot timed to self-destruction which intimidates me. I am also feeling unsure about what to think of him, because as I said, he is so intense yet distant emotionally. I started to think that he may have a personality disorder or two. I think so because when I look at other couples, I don't understand why such a person hasn't left me already. I can't cook, have nothing to offer him except cuddles and can't enjoy myself properly during sex, yet alone help him enjoy me. Lately I noticed how he stares blankly to nowhere during intercourse, which has made me feel very concerned and unattractive.
Now if he decides to leave me tomorrow he probably wouldn't have any guilt because of how imbalanced our relationship is. How did it come to this? And he probably would find someone new on the same day because he just attracts girls right onto him already, with all of those looks and abilities. I am weary of feeling protective and sad.
He is the sort of person who reveals his true feelings when he is drunk. Since he always welcomes me when I want him, I thought it would be fun to seduce him when he was drunk. He thwarted me which made me feel very sad. This made me think about our situation. If he doesn't want me even when he is drunk, why does he seduce me when he is not? Does he take is as some sort of responsibility? I can't believe what I'm thinking.
I know that this paragraph will sound mad, but then I *am* going mad myself. Maybe his reasons for being with me like this are much more sinister. Perhaps he is pulling all of his tricks to satisfy his huge ego, proving to himself how much of an "alpha-male" he is. He may even know of how I am feeling right now and repressing his laughs behind that blank stare of his. And when he has completely drained me, he will just move onto his next meal. Am I being too judgemental or reasonable? I can't see the borders anymore.
I fantasized about him being a closet gay but that can't be true because he is clearly attracted to women and doesn't like homosexual people (as I don't). I want understand him and want him to understand me. I am completely lost right now and don't know what to do or how to approach him. He scares me greatly for many reasons, how much he gives me, how intense he is and also because how mysterious he is. I would really appreciate help.