I registered on this site several months ago, but never posted these feelings I'm about to post, because I wasn't sure if I could get through it. And I didn't know if I wanted to face these feelings, but here they are.
To give a little background, I met my husband nearly five years ago, and married him in 2007. I am now nearly 30, and he is thirteen years my senior. Prior to him, I was never married and never had a serious relationship, just dates. He had been through a recent divorce when we met. I never felt that I could connect with a man. When I met my husband, I felt that I had found the man of dreams. We were completely in love, and had a long distance relationship until we got married. I'd never felt emotionally or physically as comfortable and secure with anyone else in my life. However, it did not take long for things to become...not so great.
I moved all the way across the country to be with my husband. I left my family, my friends, and my goals in the state where I used to live. I was almost done with my degree when we got married. I thought I would finish it out here, but I haven't. Most of my credits won't transfer to the school near where we live, so I pretty much wasted all of my time on that degree. I feel so much guilt about that. I was so close to achieving something I could be proud of, but I ditched it because he didn't want to wait for me anymore. He wanted us to get married and for me to hurry up and come out here with him. I decided to do it because I thought I would be happy. I chose love over my dreams.
Everything seems so empty now. I don't have a job here, and I spend every day cooped up in our tiny house. I hardly get out of the house at all, except on the days we go grocery shopping. I don't have a vehicle, so I have to go everywhere with him when we do go somewhere. I have no friends here, and I'm so far from home that no one has the time or money to visit me. I miss my friends back home so much now. I don't like my in-laws, either, and luckily my husband doesn't have much to do with them, but they're the only people I know here besides him.
Everything he promised me when we got married seems to have fizzled out. We were supposed to move to a nicer area as soon as I got out here, but the deal with the new house fell through, and we're still in this one. I found out after we got married that he's hugely in debt, much more than he ever admitted to me before we married. Now, I brought debt to the marriage too, and it has affected us as well, but it's not on the scale of what he owes.
Our sex life is another bad area. I guess because of the bitterness I'm swallowing due to all the disappointment, I just don't want him that way anymore. We rarely if ever have actual sex these days. I keep him satisfied with oral, etc., anything to keep me from having to be too involved with my own body. This is the only part of our relationship he is concerned about. He seems to think everything is going well between us, except that I don't want to be sexual with him beyond getting him off.
I don't want to make him sound all bad, because we are close and we are friends on top of everything. That's how we first fell in love, because we have so much in common in so many ways. He's a good man, but has made a lot of mistakes, as have I. We have our good times, but for the last several months, it seems that the bad times overshadow everything else.
At this point, it is hard to imagine my life without him in it, and I know that I made a commitment to be with him for life, no matter what. But I feel that my self is withering away. I feel useless, depressed, and hopeless about our future. Right now, all I can see ahead of us is a life of debt and stagnation. A couple of my friends want me to go on a trip with them, just "the girls", but he doesn't want me to and has guilted me just for talking about it. He is a master martyr. I want to go back to school, but we can't afford much right now with me not being able to find work, and the last thing we need is to take out a loan of any kind.
I just don't think I can live the rest of my life this way, but I know that if I tell him all the things on my mind, that he will just make me feel guilty for criticizing him when he does so much for me, etc. Sometimes I dream about leaving him, and starting over on my own terms, living close to my friends again and being independent again. But I don't know if I could live with myself if I just left him. There is something keeping us together, the good times we do have and the original bond that brought us together. I just don't know how much longer it will last, with me building up so much resentment and regret over this marriage, and him getting frustrated with me basically becoming "frigid". I just want our marriage to be happy. Right now, I have to force myself to smile and get through the days with him, when deep inside, I am anything but happy and fulfilled. We were supposed to be a team, but I feel like I am just here freeloading off of him, and he gets to have a companion and someone who will cook for him. I am losing my self-worth, if there is any left to lose. On days when we actually fight or one of us is in a bad mood, all the resentment bubbles up to the surface and I border on hating him. He sees it, and gets scared, and I won't talk about it. I know if we talk about it that I am going to open a huge can of worms that cannot be closed again. Sometimes it is just easier to suffer in silence, to keep him happy. And so it keeps going around in circles.
Thanks for reading. Sorry it's so long, but I just had a lot to get off my chest. I don't know what to do, and fear that I am just stuck in this situation for life. I think freedom is a lie these days. When you're single, all you want is to find your soul mate. When you find him, nothing works out how you thought it would, and you find that even the perfect man is full of flaws. And I know if I left him that I would do nothing but regret leaving, because I do love him. It feels like a catch-22, and that's not what I expected marriage to be.
Things will only get worse if you don't do something about it now. You have a lot of reasons to be feeling depressed--so many changes, so fast, and the isolation you are feeling. So pick something you can work on solving, and focus on that for a while. Then pick something else, etc.
Is it possible, for example, for you to drive your husband to work and then have the car? This could open the door to a part-time job or school, or even doing volunteer work in a field you'd like to enter. I'd strongly urge you to start back to school part-time, b/c you definitely need to do something that makes you feel strong, confident, and more independent.
If he needs the car, can he drop you somewhere you can start working on getting your life together, a downtown area or even just on the college campus, or a library, a few times a week? What about an online curriculum? Are you working out? If not, take up jogging (i can point you to a very easy beginner's program if you want) and you will find the exercise makes you feel much better.
I'm sure others will have ideas, and don't stop asking for help. People outside your situation sometimes have thoughts you'd never consider b/c they aren't inside the "box" with you. Lots of the suggestions may prove impractical, but don't toss out any until you consider it fully--you may be feeling too defeated right now and not want to make the effort, so you will come up with reasons you "can't," but maybe you CAN if you try and it will help in the long run.
Best of luck, and pls stay in touch so we can see how you are doing.
Oh darlin I feel your pain ! Reading your post I felt like parts of it were coming straight from myself.
I also moved away from all the friends and family, I cant totally blame him bc I wanted to be with him too ! He couldnt move his job so when I finished college is when we married and I moved.
But here I am, tiny house, cant find a job, and feeling lonelier then I have ever felt etc. And YES it sucks ! You learn to resent when they ask "what did you do today?" Even if said in a kind way you still want to scream "WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK I'M STUCK HERE LIKE A PRISONER!" or something along those lines.
Iam slowly coming out of the depression stage, I have faith that God will change things in His own time. There were so many broken promises from when I first moved here and they all left marks
My advice- If you can use the car, then possibly get a part time job or volunteer somewhere.
- Get a pet, a dog is wonderful company !
- TELL HIM your miserable, he is your husband and you BOTH took a vow to take care of one another ! I dont know what his job is but maybe if he could transfer to some place a little closer to home for you and a place where you had more employment opportunities? Changes need to be made ! Its all about compromise and it seems YOU have done most of the compromising !
Most importantly get out of the house, get a music player and just walk ! It does wonders :-)
The reason you don't want sex with him is that you see him and the marriage as what stopped you getting your degree and your ticket to the high life. You talk about staying safe, by not talking and opening a can of worms... Who wants safe. That's what you have right now, and it's soooooo boring. - as you are fast learning.
Apart form anything else, perhaps you should look at going back to your home town and finishing your degree.
Im sorry your feeling this way...I would suggest to speak to a marriage counselor. As long as he is willing to attend. It does help if yous both want to make a difference in your marriage. It ok to open a can of worms. It will either be for the better or worst. You dont have anything to loose. No house.... no kids. nothing......You can still get your life back if he doesnt want to see your side of the story. I understand hes your friend but at the same time something is holding you back from being submissive to him in bed?.....Not good.. speak to a counselor they will see your side and his side. Ask him see what happends. If not go back home and get your life back. There is a reason why you waited so long to get married....you werent sure if you were made for this...maybe this is not you...this is not what you want....after all not what you expected at all. Think about youuuuu....good luck...write backkk
The lack of personal-growth seems to be the problem. You dreamed of personal-growth prior to the marriage. You neglected to plan for it post-marriage. Now you're there and see the marriage and him as the obstacle. (MarkTwain already pointed this out.) Simply explain to him your needs. (And ask him about his needs with-respect-to personal-growth, so then you are being fair and he cannot send you on a guilt trip.) Do this without accusing him. Explain to him that a human with no personal-growth withers away...quickly...eventually!
Also ask him if he would be happy with an unhappy wife who is withering way.
The tricky part here is he may respond his-view of personal-growth versus your-view of personal-growth. But yours and his cannot be compared so long as they do not erode the family as a whole; that's why it's called personal-growth!