07-18-2012, 08:37 PM
Join Date: Jul 2012
| | When is it time to call it quits?
Background: We have been married for 1.5 years, together for 13.5 years. I have an almost 15 year old son, from a previous relationship, and we have an almost 6 year old daughter together. Both kids are extremely challenging (son has ADHD and behavior issues, daughter has Autism). My husband has been on disability for almost 10 years due to a genetic condition and had his drivers license taken away (due to the disability) right before I had our daughter.
Prior to finding out I was pregnant with my daughter, I had actually been planning to leave him. Looking back now, I had tons of reasons to validate my reasons for why we shouldn't be together, but I was a weaker person then and just couldn't walk away. There was even a point after I had my daughter that I thought about leaving again, but ended up deciding to stick through with it.
He ends up begging me to quit my job because he can't handle my daughter by himself, so I wait for an opportune time and volunteer myself for a layoff. At this point, we know she is autistic and that she will require lots of intervention. For the 1st year after leaving my job, I was pretty depressed. We make a series of bad decisions, leading us to going bankrupt and losing our house. In the process of bankruptcy is when we get married. Again, many factors that should have raised a red flag and made me think, but I was depressed and happy to have someone else making decisions.
Fast forward to now, we fight all the time. He would rather ignore things than talk it out. He has become controlling and wants everything his way because there is no other way. He has zero patience for our daughter and blows up at her all the time. He finds issues with how I deal with my son all the time and I really think he doesn't want him living with us. Oh, and he threatens to leave me constantly and says he will take our daughter from me as well.
I know he is depressed. He hasn't seen a doctor in 10 years, so he is not even managing his disability. If he needs an appointment, I have to find the doctor, schedule the appointment, and remind him when it is. I have suggested he talk to someone about his depression and he refuses. He also refuses to see a marriage counselor.
If I'm lucky, I can get him to sit down and talk things out once every couple of months. The problem is that by then everything is so tense and we never actually work anything out. He constantly directs the discussion back to things having to do with my son. If I confront him on any of his issues, he shuts down. He tried playing the "pity party" card today and I refused to play into it, which I also told him. Now, I can admit that I have my own set of issues and I have been working so hard on them.
My problem now is that I am not working, but plan to find something in the fall when the kids are back in school full-time. I have no money of my own or any medical insurance, so I can't get counseling for myself.
I love my husband but I just think that sometimes maybe love isn't enough.