I have another stupid issue . . . and I am trying to determine if it really should be a NON-issue. So many of you seem to be dealing with much worse. I am not a regular poster and I am dealing with an apparent passive aggressive husband. We are in what I would call an uneasy truce partly due to the fact that we have had company most all summer so we are just hanging . . .
I have a question about a behavior that is not horrible, just really irksome - that would be compliments or lack of them. I can cook a meal and have everyone rave over it and he will sit stone silent. Maybe after everyone has left he might say "good dinner" in passing but even that is rare. Today, i got a haircut, which I told him about. His only comment "didn't cut much off" and walks out the door. I am just so frustrated, but I am wondering if everything, even the little stuff, is starting to bother me more than it should. Any thoughts?
If you cannot compliment your spouse then you have real intimacy issues.
If you don't find anything redeeming about them then you shouldn't really be with them IMO.
I believe that many people do this as a form of passive aggression, it's withholding something special that really should be easy.
I can compliment my partner 10 times a day about different things and he me, because we love each other and want to make the other feel good. It's also true. When I tell him he's sexy, i mean it.
I think you need marriage counselling if you aren't all ready going. Your spouse should be your biggest fan and want to build you up every day.
This is a pest of an issue.
I think a woman who takes good care of her femininity should
definately be prasied for it.
No excuse not to praise one another.
I have been in this same issue myself before.
It hurts. you feel as if you are not easy on the eyes anymore.
I dont know why this happens.????!????
For me it is something that i push over and over again.
Just sucks balls not to know you are beautiful enough for the man you are with.
Not directly. He has said that my doctor didn't know what he was talking about when my doctor said he didn't think I was overweight. Most of the time he says nothing . . . literally. Other comments are mostly under the table kinds of things . . . nothing direct.
Words of praise don't have a strong meaning for some people, maybe that's how he is. If he's someone who doesn't seem to "need" or want compliments himself, it could be that he doesn't "get" their importance to you (even if you've told him).
He also could be one of those people who actually believes praise is unnecessary, even silly, blowing fluff, etc., so it doesn't come naturally to him.
My H is like that. I am like you. I understand your frustration. I just try to see the world through his eyes and realize that words are not his love language--acts of service and quality time are.
OP, has he always been this way, or is it something new?
His comment about the doctor not knowing what he's talking about when he told you that you're not overweight, does sound passive aggressive, but without more info it's hard to say.
We all like some recognition from our partners. It validates their love and appreciation for us.
Words of praise don't have a strong meaning for some people, maybe that's how he is. If he's someone who doesn't seem to "need" or want compliments himself, it could be that he doesn't "get" their importance to you (even if you've told him).
He also could be one of those people who actually believes praise is unnecessary, even silly, blowing fluff, etc., so it doesn't come naturally to him.
My H is like that. I am like you. I understand your frustration. I just try to see the world through his eyes and realize that words are not his love language--acts of service and quality time are.
This is very true... It is In those "Love Languages"...I want to give an example of such a man... taken from the last page of my Love Languages thread.. >>>
Quote:
I am reviving my own thread....just to relay a story about an older couple I personally know..., I've sat & ate lunch with them a # of times, been in & out of their house, witnessed their marriage in action, I do a job for them so I have gotten to know them over the past year very nicely .... ...that just illustrates how easily these love languages flow within a marriage ... when they are in sinc with each other...
Now, she is an excellent Cook , I enjoy getting recipes from her, so I asked her one day "How often does your husband compliment your cooking? ".... she says immediately "Never", she wasn't upset or anything....then goes on to tell me something I would have a hard time believing...
***.... she told me they have been marreid for 39 yrs and he has ONLY complimented her ONE TIME..... it was 19 yrs into their marraige (or she said 10 yrs - would it matter !!) ....she remembers the day, the black dress she was wearing , where she was and she almost fainted... I looked at her , my mouth hanging on the floor.... and said "....Well I can tell you one thing without a shadow of a doubt, Words of Affirmation is not very high on your list or you would want to take his head completely off "!
Now I really was SHOCKED, I know this couple well, they ARE happy-obviously these things don't bother her, she says he makes up for it in other ways... they have a GOOD marraige.
We talked some more, we established they are both "Acts of Service" being #1 with "Gifts" following right behind... It was very obvious to me that "Time" was not a big thing for either of them.... she would be making her quilts, planning things for the community, talking on the phone with friends, busy within the home doing her own thing...... he would be out fishing, hunting, in the garage, in the basement ....always doing little deeds for her, and she seemed delighted with this, his running to the store, fixing something.... even HE made "gifts" for friends, they showed me this Playing card board he constructed for 2 of his guy friends.... They enjoyed cruises and bus trips.
A marraige made in Heaven. Same Love languages on top.
On the way home, I was thinking to myself.... there is no way on this side of life I could be matched with man like that, he might be a great guy & all ...but I would be vehemently annoyed with someone who didn't feel the DESIRE to compliment once in a while, a little flirting (how unromantic & roommatish !).... he'd be more pleased with himself that he brought me flowers -over cuddling up over a movie during his off days.
Now...their marraige is likely as happy as ours..... there's flows very naturally just loving as they do ... they are harmonously matched - as I feel my own marriage is...... but what we enjoy is a total 180 of the other.
For Valentines in a few days, they will likely exchange chocolates Or some elaborate gift for each other..... all me & mine will think is ...Our Gift IS each other... lets get naked & a little verbal ravishing & mushy talk is icing on cake! No material gifts necessary , no chocolate, jewelry or flowers can compare to a simple roll in the hay- for me.
Cosmos said: OP, has he always been this way, or is it something new?
Yes, I would ask this also-- if he used to compliment & make a fuss, speaking those words of affirmation freely....then it slowly died...if so...something is going on..
But IF he was ALWAYS this way (like the man I was describing in that example)...it is just a personality thing...this is just HIS WAY, he doesn't see the big need , he expresses his Love in other ways primarily....... which is kinda unfortunate, when the majority of women -well, we want to be lifted up once in a while, told our meal was killer, or we are looking HOT in that new dress with pumps. Such things make our whole day!
Interesting. When we dated, he would bring me flowers - cut from his garden - which I loved, or small inexpensive pieces of jewelry or perfume. He would always tell me how beautiful I was. He was complimentary of my cooking then.
We do tend to have a bit of a traditional "separation of duties", he takes care of mowing the yard and outside and car stuff and I take care of inside stuff. That is fine with me. He washes my car and makes sure the oil is changed but will not touch the inside of the car. I don't really expect him to. As far as bringing me small other things - never happnes now. In fact if he runs to the store to get something he needs he normally will not take the list and get other things or check with me to see if there is something I need. He gets what he needs and that is it.
If you need to see more examples of behavior now please see my post "Passive Aggressive or am I crazy" (not sure how to link to it here.
Maybe I am colored by the way my own father acted. He was always complimenting my mother on how she looked or what she prepared. Like the example, he would make her little things or write her notes.
8Likes
Compliments? 
Re: Compliments? 
It is In those "Love Languages"...I want to give an example of such a man... taken from the last page of my Love Languages thread.. >>>
